To think it's better to have only one child given our finances and lifestyle

[Runnyrose]

We have one amazing DD, 2 and have always planned to have another. We said we would start TTC now she's 2 but the more I think about it, the more I think it would be better to stick with one.
We both work full time. I work compressed hours so do 4 days and DH does 5 but has an hour's commute so currently we are both 'out of action' 10 hours a day. We both have weekends free and I have Wednesdays with DD which breaks the week up very nicely. She adores her nursery.
Childcare for 40 hours a week is an insane expense and for our area, we do have a particularly expensive nursery but as we are rural there are just not many alternatives and she's doing so well there I wouldn't want to change her anyway so we are just grinning and baring that; it's not forever. We both love our jobs and don't actually want to reduce our hours even if it was an option (which it isn't). We work very well as a team and honestly are a very happy family as we are. I've been dreading the idea of pregnancy and the first year with a newborn again anyway as that was not a good time for either of us but since I went back to work, this past year has honestly been so wonderful and I thoroughly enjoy being a Mummy. I'm a better parent to my daughter because I'm not with her 24/7.
I'm worried that having another child is actually only going to make things more stressful for us and take away from how good things are right now. We don't have huge amounts of time and money to spend on DD but we are able to enjoy a nice standard of living now and once the childcare 'mortgage' is finished we should be able to allow her to do activities and hobbies that she wants within reason. DH and I also have our own hobbies we enjoy and being just three of us, we allow each other the flexibility to continue enjoying these also in a reduced capacity compared to our pre-child days but still; we like having them there. The financial and time implications of a second child would definitely reduce that to practically impossible and of course both children would have less of our time and money to afford a few nice activities. Working full time also means it's very important to me to have quality time with DD when we can and I worry about how easily we can split that time with another child.
We earn okay money between us but only enough to be comfortable with some budgeting and careful planning; two children would require much stricter budgeting and money would be more of a stressor for sure. I'm a planner so I know we could afford it, but it would be tight for a long time.

If money and time was no object, I'd love a second child but I'm really wondering if it's better to just enjoy our life as it is now and just appreciate that our lifestyle and financial situation suits having one child much better than having two. Or is having a second always worth the extra challenges?

Thank you

It’s up to you of course, and if you feel you can’t financially support another DC or give them a good quality of life then sticking to one is sensible.

However I’d keep an open mind. You may be in a better position financially in a few years, DD will be at school.

One reason I wanted 2 is so they grow up with a sibling who can hopefully be a friend and companion, especially when they’re adults. Having the chance to be an auntie/uncle and their kids having cousins. I have a wonderful bond with my siblings and it’s comforting to know they’re there, even though we don’t live close by. We didn’t always get on as kids but I enjoyed being part of a big family.

@Mamamia35

There are other ways to think about this. I'm in my 50s so way ahead of you in lifecycle, I guess. These are scenarios that never occurred to me.

What about your old age and having one child to suffer the burden of that decision making. I am the parent of a single child and am witnessing the heartache/stress of colleagues/friends dealing with elderly parents alone. You don't think about this when you're young.

Also what if something happened to you/your husband and your child had to deal with that without sibling support. Again I hadn't thought about that. These were perspectives that didn't occur to me when I was pregnant/dealing with financial burden of early childcare.

Just another way of thinking about this. Im not saying there is a right or wrong answer, but just other things to add to the equation that you may not have considered.

I am an only child who lost a parent at a young age. I have no idea if having a sibling would have made this any easier but I have come through it admirably well all things considered and my mum and I are super close as a result.

In terms of dealing with an elderly parent alone, I have a wonderful husband and extended family and friends who would be there for me when that happens.

It's not all doom and gloom.

My 9 yrs old dgc is an only.
When dgc was 3 a conversation was had about having a dc2.
Both parents decided that the economic hit would only make everyone miserable and certainly wouldn't enhance the oldest dc life initially at least.
Dgc is happy, sociable, has many friends and doesn't miss what they have never known.

@Mybalconyiscracking

The only real good reason to have a second child is because you want a second child. Financially and logistically they are tricky, but if the emotional and biological imperative is there then you make it work.

Completely agree. It would always be financially and logistically easier to not have a second child, just as it's always financially and logistically better not to have a child in the first place. And in both cases it's completely valid to therefore just not - and the only reason to is that you really, really want to, not any 'shoulds' from other people.

Sounds like you know the answer, what does Dh think?

I have seen too many families where all the care of sick parents lands on one of them and if anything the other sibling makes things a lot harder.

Agree only reason to have a second is if you really really want one.

We had one based on lifestyle and finances and love it. Dd is 10 now and always says how much she loves her life. We are a quiet family and it as enabled me to be a great parent to her whereas I know money would have been tight and my mental and physical health would have suffered had I had another. Very happy with our decision and so is dd.

@simkin38

Personally I think the first two years are hard and a bit of a gamble as to what the baby is like, but really it's only 2y out of 18y of the child, so that's why most people suck it up

I feel sorry for only children alone so much, the ones I know have 2 play dates a week but so manny things are different alone as a child

The 3 adults I know who were only children wll said never have an only child due to loneliness.

This phase you're in will end soon anyway when child starts school, at school only children are harder to manage as they then realise they're alone and you have to start bringing friends on holiday, to meals, etc all the time as child doesn't have much fun on their own

It doesn't sound like you have much experience of only children tbh.

OP, please don't listen to comments like this as they're mostly just crap.

Some only children don't like it and wish they had siblings. Some only children are very happy as they are. Some children hate their siblings and would be much better off without them. Some really benefit from having them around. Either way, you won't know how it is going to work out, so decide whether you want a second child and don't second guess what might be better for your dc.

@Volterra this is happening to my mum right now. My uncle is beyond useless. Also, my two sisters are very close and don't really have a close relationship with me so a sibling doesn't mean a friend for your child.

We planned to only have one. It suited our finances, our lifestyle, and I never pictured myself with anything other than an only child.
I’m 11 weeks pregnant with twins.
You could end up with three.

And yes, I'm another one who does have a sibling who nevertheless finds myself solely responsible for caring for our elderly parents. As did my mother before me, despite having two siblings of my own, so forgive me for not really buying into the argument that children need siblings so that they don't have to carry the burden of carrying for elderly parents alone.

@simkin38

Personally I think the first two years are hard and a bit of a gamble as to what the baby is like, but really it's only 2y out of 18y of the child, so that's why most people suck it up

I feel sorry for only children alone so much, the ones I know have 2 play dates a week but so manny things are different alone as a child

The 3 adults I know who were only children wll said never have an only child due to loneliness.

This phase you're in will end soon anyway when child starts school, at school only children are harder to manage as they then realise they're alone and you have to start bringing friends on holiday, to meals, etc all the time as child doesn't have much fun on their own

Rubbish. I'm an only child and had/have a great life. I don't need your pity thanks.

My DP is an only child and loves it - he says he never felt lonely as a child and has never felt the need for siblings.

My friend has had very ill aging parents who have both now died and she has had to sort out all the care and logistics of that as her brother is useless and moved abroad. So having a second child just to support the first one in things like that is no guarantee.

You sound very happy and content as you are.

We were in a simular situation, had 1 DD always thought we'd have another, life carried on thought we would perhaps wait till she started school due to childcare costs etc. Life carried on and she is my world. Eventually we had second DS when DD was age 6. Its great, yes we aren't as young and they aren't really close in age but out DD absolutely adores our DS and wanta yo help, life is easier as DD is older, plus I get to have the 1:1 time with DS while DD is at school. The only negative is I have commited to a longer time doing primary school runs 😆.

What I am trying to say is if you would like another great but don't feel presured into making that decision now as it sounds like you are enjoying life in your set up as it is. Relax and have fun with your child and don't feel pressured into making a decision now so they are close in age.

The 2nd maternity leave is better than the first because you have an entertaining toddler charging around as well. Financially by the time you went back to work your eldest would be nearly starting school so you shouldn't have double nursery fees for long. However - the logistics of taking 2 children to 2 different places is a massive pain and you'll have that issue for several years.

It's all a gamble really, mine play together now so life is much easier than 3 years ago. If we only had dd1 then I think life would be pretty easy. If we only had dd2 it would be a nightmare because she won't do anything on her own, she won't even watch tv alone! But you can't guarantee they'll get on, so you could have 12+ years of referee duty

Having siblings does not mean that the care of elderly parents is shared out. I knew large family with 10 children and some were nurses. When the elderly parents became ill it was still left to one adult child who had their own health problems and was not one of the nurses!

I am an only child. I always wanted siblings growing up. However, I have 3 boys who hate each other and would probably all love to be an only child. DH has sisters that he will never speak to again (they live in Australia, us in uk, he says they aren't far enough away) so I guess people often don't like their siblings. But I'd still have liked a sibling. When my DF was dying it was my responsibility to turn his machines off, as an only child it would have been great to share that responsibility and have support from a sibling (divorced from DM) DF also told me just before he died that his biggest regret was not having more children.

My 3 dc's have no aunties or cousins. Another down side to me having no siblings (and dh fallen out with his)

So I thought I would give you my perspective as an only child. But I also see that people only want one. There are far too many people on the planet, so if lots of families only have one child that would be a good thing.