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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have kept quiet about not being invited to a siblings party?

55 replies

FeFe66 · 19/09/2021 01:13

In my 50's so I should be over this but I'm human.

Anyway it's my siblings birthday. The whole family meet up at a country pub for a drink at lunch time.

Because of COVID and they live away, it's the first time I've seen them since Xmas 2019.

I give them their birthday present which cost £150 and I know that they wanted. I can ill afford that sort of money at the mo but was happy to get a present that they wanted and I get an "oh that's nice, but no thank you".

I buy the first round. Then as everyone finishes the one round, my sibling says we're off to their daughter's for canapes.

Everyone says oh that's nice. I have just taken the last sip of my drink and before I can answer, my mother says "are you coming FeFe?" and before I can answer my sibling says "oh FeFe's got things to do this afternoon" effectively uninviting me after taking my gift and drink.

The mother keeps on, "oh shame you can't make it".

I felt like saying that I can make it but have just been un-invited but bit my tongue. I wish I hadn't. Should I tell her so she knows what my sibling is like?

AIBU

OP posts:
Vaselike · 19/09/2021 01:17

Yes you tell her. It’s a shame you didn’t say at the time but you still can say something now.

And I’m sorry you’ve lost £150 - no one, least of all folk like that, deserves gifts that you can’t afford.

CoRhona · 19/09/2021 01:18

You should have said something, if the mother kept on saying it was a shame you had more than one opportunity to do so - why on earth didn't you?!

SequinsandStiIettos · 19/09/2021 01:18

Yes, you should.
Is there a backstory?
Do you get on with your niece?
Did your sibling say no thank you but take the gift anyway?
Were you under the impression you were all at the pub for a while before doing rounds?

Original poster
FeFe66 · 19/09/2021 01:25

@CoRhona

You should have said something, if the mother kept on saying it was a shame you had more than one opportunity to do so - why on earth didn't you?!
I didn't want to upset her or cause a scene.
OP posts:
Original poster
FeFe66 · 19/09/2021 01:28

@SequinsandStiIettos

Yes, you should. Is there a backstory? Do you get on with your niece? Did your sibling say no thank you but take the gift anyway? Were you under the impression you were all at the pub for a while before doing rounds?
My sibling always wants to be the centre of attention.

Yes, I thought so but didn't get a word from her today.

My sibling took the gift and did not say "thank you" (rather than "no-thank you") - i.e. there was an absence of a thank you.

I was supposed to be for a couple of drinks at least.

OP posts:
Freddiefox · 19/09/2021 01:30

I didn't want to upset her or cause a scene.

But that’s on your sister not you. She caused the potential scene.

Tell you mum you weren’t invited. Put the record straight

converseandjeans · 19/09/2021 01:35

I think you should tell your Mum so that she knows you weren't being rude.

I assume you were invited for the drinks part?

Have you had a disagreement recently?

It's not nice that they accepted the expensive gift.

Original poster
FeFe66 · 19/09/2021 01:37

@converseandjeans

I think you should tell your Mum so that she knows you weren't being rude.

I assume you were invited for the drinks part?

Have you had a disagreement recently?

It's not nice that they accepted the expensive gift.

No disagreements. Hardly seen them due to lockdown.
OP posts:
twoandeights · 19/09/2021 04:08

Tell your mother

HungryHippo11 · 19/09/2021 04:24

I don't understand why you didn't say something at the time Confused

Are you coming for drinks?
No Fefe is busy this afternoon.
No I'm not you must have me mixed up with someone else, I would love to come for drinks.

Its a bit late to say something now, your mum will probably wonder why on earth you didn't speak up at the time. However you could message your sibling and say something breezy like "hope you enjoyed the rest of your day" or "lovely to see you earlier, have you had a chance to do X with your gift yet" and see how she responds. Maybe she really did think you were busy.

AgentProvocateur · 19/09/2021 04:37

Don’t burden your mother with this. If you’re in your 50s, she’ll be in her 70s at least. You should have spoken up at the time, but as you didn’t, speak to your sibling now and discuss it like adults instead of involving your mum.

ClaryFairchild · 19/09/2021 04:47

Honestly? I would have said something. There and then. You didn't so now you should send a text. "I can't believe you didn't invite me to your party for your birthday but then made out to the family that I was the one who chose not to come! Thanks so bloody much. At least now I know how much effort to make for your future birthdays. "

Plumtree391 · 19/09/2021 05:04

Very odd behaviour and I really don't get why she refused your gift; that was quite ungracious.

gofg · 19/09/2021 05:25

I would tell your Mum, and I wouldn't be going to any more trouble for future birthdays for your sibling. Anyone who accepts an expensive gift, doesn't bother to say thank you, and then makes it clear you are not invited to further celebrations is an ungrateful brat.

georgarina · 19/09/2021 05:46

So this party happened in the past?

But you want to tell your mum so she knows what your sibling is like in general?

You could maybe bring it up in passing like 'oh, that was a bit weird...' but in future - I know it's hard - just say something like 'oh, I'm not busy, would love to come.' I definitely wouldn't consider that to be anywhere close to causing a scene - one person says 'she's busy,' then you say 'actually I'm not,' end of. Especially as your mother was saying it was a shame, so it's not like people didn't want you to come.

ThorsLeftNut · 19/09/2021 06:27

YABU unreasonable to buy a gift you can’t afford, and for not speaking up when both your sibling and mother seemed RJ offer opportunity’s to say it. (‘I don’t have any plans? These were my plans!’ (Didn’t have to be confrontational!)

YANBU to be upset about the situation and I would tell my mother and tell my sibling that being invitees was rude and unkind. You went for a reason.

heldinadream · 19/09/2021 06:42

Why are you buying gifts you can't afford for some who - in your own words - always wants to be the centre of attention? Are you trying to buy everyone's attention, because you don't get it? You'll fail. It's not to be bought, it's a dynamic to be unpicked, rejected, or lived with. You choose.
Unpick it - stand up to them and voice what's happening to you as it happens, don't pretend everything's fine.
Reject it - stop seeing them because it's not worth it.
Live with it - keep doing what you're doing and accept that this is what it is.
You choose.

But please stop spending £150 of money you can't afford on someone who barely notices. A fiver is quite adequate. Pot plant, scarf, whatever.
Spend that £150 on yourself next time please. Let alone being the first to buy all the drinks - really, what are you doing? Stop it.
You matter.

TidyDancer · 19/09/2021 06:46

Is there something else at play here? It seems like a strange thing to have happen with no backstory. I'm not saying there's anything that would excuse it as such, but it's very odd as it is.

NotReallyAPrincess · 19/09/2021 06:49

So you bought a gift you can’t afford, for a sibling you’re not keen on, who didn’t say thank you (but said “oh, that’s nice”) and who then told your mother you were too busy to go on to your niece’s house?

Do you find it difficult to call out rude behaviour or assert yourself because of past issues with the sib or your mother?

seaandsandcastles · 19/09/2021 06:56

It’s too late to say something now, you should have said something at the time.

mogtheexcellent · 19/09/2021 06:57

Well at least you wont have to pay out for a christmas present. Or if necessary get a cheap box of chocs for them rather than spend so much.

I would have said sonething

bigbaggyeyes · 19/09/2021 07:03

At least you know what to get her for Xmas - fuck all!

Robertthebrucesthistle · 19/09/2021 07:07

I’ve said yabu because you could have said something at the time.

RowanAlong · 19/09/2021 07:13

Does your sibling have a history of talking over/for you? Why were you afraid to just say, ‘no, I’m not busy’?

fmpc · 19/09/2021 07:14

Look at it another way

If you don't say anything, it could look like you just couldn't be bothered spending time with them.

You say it's the first time you've seen them since Xmas 2019 and to all appearances you only made time for one drink with them, so if you dont say anything, you dont look great do you?