To have kept quiet about not being invited to a siblings party?

[FeFe66]

In my 50's so I should be over this but I'm human.

Anyway it's my siblings birthday. The whole family meet up at a country pub for a drink at lunch time.

Because of COVID and they live away, it's the first time I've seen them since Xmas 2019.

I give them their birthday present which cost £150 and I know that they wanted. I can ill afford that sort of money at the mo but was happy to get a present that they wanted and I get an "oh that's nice, but no thank you".

I buy the first round. Then as everyone finishes the one round, my sibling says we're off to their daughter's for canapes.

Everyone says oh that's nice. I have just taken the last sip of my drink and before I can answer, my mother says "are you coming FeFe?" and before I can answer my sibling says "oh FeFe's got things to do this afternoon" effectively uninviting me after taking my gift and drink.

The mother keeps on, "oh shame you can't make it".

I felt like saying that I can make it but have just been un-invited but bit my tongue. I wish I hadn't. Should I tell her so she knows what my sibling is like?

AIBU

You need to text your sister: I was taken aback when you said I had plan, I did not.

I really hate martyrs, my mum does it all the time. It comes across as sanctimonious.

Maybe she thought you were being a bit flash with the expensive present and that upset her? Are you relatively well off compared to her?
Did you mention in previous communications or to your DM that you have a lot on/busy etc and she's picked up on that? If there's no history, I really don't get why you didn't just say you weren't busy. She's now made you out to be the one that's rude. I'd definitely discuss it with your DM, see if she can shed some light on it.

You sound like a people pleaser. And a peace maker. Not a criticism, just something to think about.

Why did you buy ungrateful, rude sibling a gift you could ill afford? What's going on there? I wouldn't do that for my own child. If it's out of my budget, it's out of my budget.

I think the sibling was hoping for lavish gifts from you and only invited you for that reason. Once you'd served gift giving purpose, they wanted you gone.

I'd addreess this with sibling, not your dm. I'd say, seeing as I'd made plans to spend that day/evening with the family, you don't understand why uninvited you from canapes?

I'm sorry to hear this, It must hurt terribly, especially as you hadn't seen them for so long.

I totally understand you not saying anything at the time, as you were in a state of shock I imagine. It's unlikely you'd have had time to process what was happening, let alone form or speak the words. That's happened to me a few times in life with various situations. I've been rendered silent, or even said the opposite of the thing I'm actually thinking/feeling as a defence mechanism, and to protect myself and others. So I totally get it.

It's not too late to put the record straight with your mum. I reckon she'd rather know the truth, as most people would.

I also think it'd be OK to have a gentle chat with your sister, to ask her why etc. I guess it's not beyond the realm of possibility that she got her wires crossed? Though that seems unlikely. But, in your shoes, I'd want to know why I was excluded.
You take care, and have a day of self-care today x

Or brother. Sorry, I just realised you said sibling not sister. Apologies

YANBU to be upset. That was awful behaviour by your sibling.
However, YABU to have kept quiet. You could easily have said no, I don't have any plans so I'll come along too.
So what if sibling then made a scene, that's their problem not yours.
They treat you like this because they can, because they have done so in the past and got away with it.
And NO MORE expensive presents. Why would you spend 150 quid on a rude, ungrateful sibling, especially when you don't have much money yourself at the moment anyway.

@AgentProvocateur

Don’t burden your mother with this. If you’re in your 50s, she’ll be in her 70s at least. You should have spoken up at the time, but as you didn’t, speak to your sibling now and discuss it like adults instead of involving your mum.

This. Sounds like a load of kids. ‘Should I tell my mum…!’

If I’m being honest, unless there’s a huge back story to this that you’ve not shared, it sounds to me like you’re seen as pushover so they don’t feel they need to be respectful. I don’t know many people that would spend £150 on a siblings present and especially when they can’t really afford it. Then for them to not thank you properly… that’s just disrespectful.

The fact they didn’t invite you and blatantly uninvited you is disrespectful too.

Did you have things to do? Why did you not say no I don’t and go along? I don’t understand there must be a back story if you want to tell your mother what she is like.

Do you always defer to your sister or try to please her, £150 gift that you can ill afford, buying the first round and not contradicting her?

I get on well with my sister but wouldn't spend £150 on a present for her. In my family we just don't spend that kind of money on each other.

YABU-“Don’t be so silly, you would live to go” big smile. Don’t give people power over you. One person DID invite you!

Canapes though? Very 1970’s. No offence meant

Wow that was super rude. You should have said something at the time. Tell your mum, that you could go but kept getting told you can't go, also that they didn't even say thank you. Please stop buying presents for that sibling. You really shouldn't spend money that you don't have too. Stop being a walk over, you ll feel so.much better for it.

I’m not sure I buy that there is no backstory. It’s hard to imagine someone being this nasty for no reason at all and you said they like to be the centre of attention which suggests you don’t always get on that well… (How the hell should I know though, I’m just a stranger with a couple of paragraphs to go on.)

Anyway even if you did fall out, an adult should have cleared the air with you or let the grudge go before inviting you out for drinks. It’s just cruel of them to treat you like that. I’m sorry it happened to you.

I wouldn’t drag your mum into it though. I just don’t think it’ll help.

My sister is a bit like yours, it's hurtful when you realise that they don't see you the same way as you do. I've taken steps back from her to protect my mental health and treat her politely but we're not close. I've accepted that we're not going to have a close relationship because she's nasty when she doesn't get her way.

Mention it to your mum and slowly downgrade your sibling to acquaintance level. Your mental health is much more important than your sibling.

I thought you meant she said no thank you to the £150 gift.

I think it’s a bit weird you felt you couldn’t just correct her and tell her you’d be glad to come along tbh.

Had you previously told your sibling that you had plans that afternoon? As in, I’d love to come but I can’t stay all day as I have to go to xyz? If so, was sibling maybe pissed off that after all this time apart you weren’t making the effort to clear your whole day for their birthday and making a (bitchy) point that you had other plans? That’s the only logical explanation I can think of. (Of course it may not be logical, maybe your sibling is just a total dick).

I can't understand why you would spend £150 on someone who clearly doesn't like you much. Sibling or not. Were you trying to buy their affection?

You should work on your assertiveness. It's too late to speak up now and your mum should not be involved in this. It's nothing to do with her. Next time, speak up and don't let your sibling walk all over you

Can I ask what you had thought the plan for the day was? Who invited you, what did they say? Because if I understand rightly you don't live near each other so one or both of you travelled a long way but you mention you were meeting for drinks on the day. It seems odd there wasn't a plan of a meal or anything. So I'm wondering if there has been a miscommunication somewhere along the line. Does your sibling think you failed to rsvp to go to your nieces house or something?
Otherwise it is unbelievably rude of them. I think in this instance you'd have to tell other family members or you look like the rude one for only making time for one drink when people had travelled and you hasn't seen them for ages.
Also, this is the second time recently on MN I've seen people mentioning spending 100s on siblings presents. In my family we get on and live close and only spend about 25 usually! Fascinating to see how different people are.

@Underamour

Canapes though? Very 1970’s. No offence meant

Canapes are fine

It's just "party food" or "street food" by another name

And why be so sneery?

fefe66

If there has been no disagreement then it is rude of them. Some people are just weird!

There is always a reason for something like this. It may not have occurred on the day, but something has happened at some point and there is a reason they don’t want you there.
So, dig deep abs figure it out. MN won’t have the answers to your family history with this vague post of an isolated incident.

Get too drunk?
Don’t get on with someone?
Eat all the food?
Talk too much about yourself?
Drink and drive?

There is always something.

Agre there is always a reason someone behaves like this, sure some folks are just shits, but if it’s a good family relationship then this doesn’t happen, so there is a back story to why they didn’t say thank you and didn’t wish you present.

'Don't burden your mother with this' ? Really? So someone in her 70s can't be 'burdened'? And I would have thought as head of the family she's exactly the right person to speak to

@Macncheeseballs I stopped involving my mum in my sibling squabbles when I was about 14.