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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

4 year old doesn’t want to see her Dad

28 replies

Misscbu17 · 18/09/2021 17:53

My four year old daughter doesn’t ever want to see her dad on a Sunday (which is their arranged day!)

In a nutshell, he was a rubbish partner when pregnant and also when I gave birth, barely there etc (always working or networking basically drinking etc!) so I’ve always been a single parent! I left the home when my daughter was 2 and have been independent and enjoying life with myself and my daughter ever since (weight lifted)!

When we left, she never asked where her dad was etc because she was so used to him not being around or when he was around he couldn’t be bothered to do anything with her etc.

He has zero contact with her Monday - Saturday, despite me saying he is welcome to come bath her, take her to the park, for food or even just FaceTime a few weeks but he doesn’t. He’s only got more involved the past few weeks as she’s started school eg wanting to look like a good parent coming to pick up!

She just gets in such a state when she knows she’s going with him and says she doesn’t want to and he doesn’t play with her and they don’t have fun etc! I feel for him as it must be heartbreaking but it’s also his fault for never trying his best.

Am I doing the right thing by always encouraging her to go but then letting her make the choice not to? X

OP posts:
ThunderThighs123 · 18/09/2021 20:07

That’s a hard one. If he doesn’t establish a relationship with her now, it’s only going to get harder later on. Your daughter will feel somehow cheated later on in life, if you let the dad’s contact lapse.

Could you perhaps build up to EOW and evening visitation by having him come to a neutral location with you there? Say an hour or so at first?

The quality of their relationship is ultimately down to her dad, as she gets older.

Good luck. X

StarCourt · 18/09/2021 20:17

I have been in your position since DD was 3 and I split from her dad. ( however he did see her more than once a week )
DD is now 12 and has refused to see her dad for the last 3 months and I can't see that changing

Viviennemary · 18/09/2021 20:21

No she should not have the choice at the age of 4. Can you not do something together the three of you. Something she enjoys.

Original poster
Misscbu17 · 18/09/2021 21:07

I have done my upmost eg taking her to his or a location, offering to go out with them both for a few weeks to ease her back into seeing him, I’ve arranged for him to meet me places (he’s not turned up). I have literally suggested everything and anything and I’m always the one pushing. I’ve recommended him seeing her during the week too as I don’t think 6 hours a week is enough, hence this. Nothing changes and I’m sick of always stressing about it and having everything left in his court and nothing changing.

Also he had a partner who objects to us and my daughter going out x

OP posts:
BlueMoons90 · 18/09/2021 21:47

It's so tough OP. I always encouraged my DS to see his dad, but when he was 11 he decided he didn't want to anymore. We had a big discussion about it and I agreed that he didn't need to anymore. He was the same as your DD, didn't seem to want to go, got upset at the thought of leaving me etc. If I could go back I would allow him to stop seeing him sooner. Trust your gut, if DD doesn't want to and her dad doesn't seem bothered - don't bother either x

Brollywasntneededafterall · 18/09/2021 21:55

A judge would expect you to encourage and support a relationship between dd and her df.. At 4 she is far too young to grasp the end result of not having any sort of relationship with the man who gave her 50% of her dna... Unless he is any way abusive yabu. In a court's eyes being an arse hole in general isn't reason enough to keep a dc from a df..

Original poster
Misscbu17 · 18/09/2021 22:05

I understand a judge would see that from their eyes but as you can see from my comments I have done everything in my power to encourage a relationship between them both. Apart from forcing her into his car and her hyperventilating and being distraught (which I’ve done before a number of times and don’t agree with doing continuously), then there’s nothing else I can do.

He needs to step up and make more effort. Even if it’s just popping over one night to play in the garden or walk to the park! So once again, I am not keeping my child from her dad! Please read my comments carefully to fully understand my point of view here.

Thank you x

OP posts:
debbs77 · 18/09/2021 22:36

In my experience it isn't that the child doesn't actually want to go.....it is that they don't want to leave you. Two very different things.

Please continue to encourage contact. I'd speak to him about it if you can

Stompythedinosaur · 18/09/2021 22:39

I think at age 4 she needs to see her df unless he is abusive. It is in her long-term interest to build a relationship with him. It is too much responsibility for a 4yo to have this degree of control, she isn't able to make this decision because she isn't old enough.

She will be less anxious when going is a clear routine. It may be that the lack of clarity about whether she will actually go is making her anxiety worse, not better.

I have sympathy, I had a dd who cried about going to school on the bus every morning at age 4 because she was anxious about going to school. It was tough to keep sending her, but being consistent was helpful in the long run (and she goes happily now she is used to it).

Original poster
Misscbu17 · 18/09/2021 23:03

It’s very hard because I encourage and am breezy about it all week (I speak about her dad all the time to her and she knows nothing about our can sense bad blood between us, I’ve always risen above all of that). However, the night before and in the morning she gets so hysterical about going etc and I literally cannot get her to go with him unless he physically drags her off me and she is left breath holding etc. It’s just so traumatic. All I want is the best for my little girl and I would love her dad to be in her life and I’ve always done my best to ensure that. I’m just stuck what else I can do to make it work for us all as I’m the only one out of him and I that do anything for our child x

OP posts:
PumpkinKlNG · 18/09/2021 23:07

Yes she needs to go, if she suddenly decided she didn’t want to go to school anymore would you tell her she didn’t have to? There’s your answer

BlackberryMuncher · 18/09/2021 23:10

I definitely wouldn't make her go, she needs to be able to trust you & trust in you. If HE wants a relationship with her, HE has to make the effort & HE has to take it at her pace. If he's not bothered & she actively doesn't want to go, then don't force it.

LittleOwl153 · 18/09/2021 23:23

Would he pick her up from school instead? Would this make things easier?

I think given the breath holding etc I would be saying to him that HE needs to improve the situation and what does HE suggest as you can't go on causing her this much distress.

Can you ask health visitor/school for any advice? Would he listen to them?

Stompythedinosaur · 18/09/2021 23:25

There doesn't need to be any dragging - can't he gently pick her up? I'd handle it the same as if she was saying she wouldn't come home from a playmate. His house is also her home.

Stompythedinosaur · 18/09/2021 23:26

*playdate

Bumblebee1812 · 18/09/2021 23:31

I have a slightly different opinion to some people I think. I'm a Mum myself now, but when I was growing up my father left and although not a bad man he was fairly useless. I remember regularly standing at our front window waiting for him to come and visit only for him to never show (I would stand there for hours) along with countless other similar behaviours. These behaviours instill in children that they are not worthy and that it is OK for people to treat them like that and they could, if they aren't careful, take this feeking in to adult life.

I would encourage a relationship now within reason, even things like dinner at yours with him if it can ease her anxiety...but ultimately if his behaviour does not improve and her feelings do not change I would be led by her well being. I also think it's good to think of things as not being final one way or the other. It's a journey with lots of twists and turns and she can always try again. Personally I think it is far better to have fewer healthy role models than more that provide a negative influence on a child's life.

Shylo · 18/09/2021 23:33

My children were just a little older when I split from my ex but we had similar issues with not wanting to go.

I think at her age she is too young to decide and as another poster said, feelings about leaving mum her confused with feelings of not wanting to see dad but they are seperate issues .

My kids never liked to leave from home to see their dad, somehow that made it worse and so I used to drop them off to my ex for a while which helped

frazzledasarock · 18/09/2021 23:33

He doesn’t make an effort. Doesn’t put in any thought or work in seeing her.

Then is surprised the child doesn’t want to spend her Sunday’s with a virtual stranger who does nothing to engage with her.

Hardly surprising.

I wouldn’t push anything. Tell him he’s welcome to see her Sunday’s, if she doesn’t want to go with him perhaps playing over at your house initially and taking her to the park. Then working up form that.

But if he’s uninterested and doesn’t put in any effort. Your DD will just be miserable being forced intermittently to go off with a stranger, which is what he is to her.

I’d stop pushing. Let your ex put effort in.

CheshireChat · 18/09/2021 23:42

What effort is he making to help her adjust?

Put the ball in his court and make sure it's in writing so if he can't be bothered he can't turn around and blame you for it.

Sure you can support their relationship, but really it's him who needs to come up with solutions.

campion · 18/09/2021 23:48

What frazzledasarock said.

She's obviously finding this traumatic. She's four.
He needs to build her confidence little by little. Short visits, a fun game, trip to McDonald's etc. But it's on him to make the effort, not her.

Original poster
Misscbu17 · 19/09/2021 09:12

Thanks everyone for your advice and I’m so reassured to hear I’m not alone.

Re in the week coming to mine to bath or just play, take her for a mc Donald’s, meeting at the park etc is things I suggest constantly and have always suggested but they’re never taken up.

Sunday’s I’ve taken her to meeting points or her dads house and it’s not helped. I’ve also told him to meet us places and he’s not turned up and suggested us three going out for the day but I think his partner won’t allow him to be with me as well as my daughter for the day 🙄 …. All of these things I’ve suggested and documented and haven’t been taken up. He doesn’t even FaceTime her in the week.

He has picked her up from school a few times with me last week but then literally goes back to work. (Think it’s a case of looking like a good dad at the school gates!).

I understand people’s opinions about her needing to go and basically forcing her but why should I force a relationship with someone who ultimately can’t be bothered to make any effort with her.

I’ve documented everything I suggest and have told him a million times the balls in his court to encourage her from his side and ease her back into wanting to see him.

My parent split when I was 6 and I had a really good relationship with my dad until I was older, then he just no longer wanted to know, therefore, I don’t think we can judge here as things don’t always turn out how you expect!

I want her to have a dad in her life and despite how awful her dad has been to me and has never supported me and I’ve been a single parent, I think I’ll always do what’s right for my daughter. At the end of the day it’s not me blocking contact.

OP posts:
Original poster
Misscbu17 · 19/09/2021 09:20

You’ve hit the nail on the head frazzledasarock x

OP posts:
Saladovercrispsanyday · 19/09/2021 09:21

How do you get on with him?

Could you suggest that in the mornings when he collects you all go off to a cafe, have a chat and then you leave

Saladovercrispsanyday · 19/09/2021 09:22

Say that his partner welcome to join too

Enko · 19/09/2021 09:23

So you have been parted 2 years and he shows every Sunday and now also for some school pick ups?

This doesn't sound like a dad who is not making an effort. He may not be making an effort in the way you would like but he is showing regular for contact.

I would keep being positive about dad and not make it a choice she goes Sunday with dad and thats the end of that.

Re face time can you suggest that you face time say Wednesday at 7pm or similar.

If new partner feels odd you go out together as a 3 could she come?

Speak to your dd but don't let a 4 year old decide something she has no understanding of the ramifications of.

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