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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I completely over thinking this?

34 replies

Chloe9871 · 18/09/2021 17:36

So dh and I are about to buy our first house ( put an offer in and had it accepted so just getting things ready to go) we are currently renting and have been here for 3 years, it’s a lovely area but we just can’t afford to buy here as what we are looking for we can’t get for our budget, we have found a house on the other side of the city, got it accepted at 20k under the asking price and have the money to do the work we want to do to make it how we want. Dh is a builder,painter and decorator so has worked all across the city so knows places well and he says it is a good area ( we have been considering this area for the past few months whilst browsing as it’s on the side closer to the things and places we need) however we have 2 children in school here, dd age 6 and ds 4. Just started year 1 and reception and they were both at the nursery inside the school before starting full time to so most of these kids have been with my children since nursery. My dd has a very large friend group and so does my son and are both settled. I feel extremely guilty about moving them away from their school and friends ( the school is absolutely brilliant ) I’ve had to speak to the children about possibly moving schools and they both end up crying saying they don’t want to move. It’s got to the point where we are considering pulling out the offer because I just feel so guilty about moving their schools. It’s causing arguments between me and dh bevause he says I’m being absolutely ridiculous thinking that this is the best school in the world and that we can’t find a good school next to our new house ( would be absolutely impossible to bring them to current school it’s a 30 minute drive) I just don’t know what the best thing to do is, I keep going through times we’re I’m okay and excited to move and then other times I feel sick with worry and guilt that I will be ruining my kids lives and upsetting them. I know realistically we just can’t afford to buy in this area and it’s not going to happen,the only option would be finding somewhere in the middle and keep bringing them to this school. Do you think iabu? Dh just thinks it’s silly I don’t want to move for the sake of the kids school. How do you know what the right decision is? I just keep worrying I’ll move them and they will be so unhappy or the school will be terrible. I’m just so torn and confused on what to do.

OP posts:
alphabeticalabc · 18/09/2021 17:39

30 minutes isn't impossible.
My sons friend has one parent 45 mins from school and 1 parent an hour away (separated).
They both moved in with new partners a distance from the school.
I would keep my children in their school by any means possible if it was me.

NoSquirrels · 18/09/2021 17:39

Children are really adaptable, honestly. They also change a lot as they get older and nursery friends won’t stay friends forever in most cases. The younger they are when you move the easier to make new friends too. And you’re only 30 minutes away from the old lot so plenty of scope to invite for play dates on weekends etc.

Have you looked at schools in the new area? That ought to help. What are secondaries like too- they grow up alarmingly fast!

PomBearWithoutHerOFRS · 18/09/2021 17:42

I'd be more worried about getting the house for 20k under asking price. Why would they accept an offer that low?
Anything major with the house itself, survey will find, so what's wrong - area? Neighbours? Crime rate?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/09/2021 17:43

We moved from the South East to Scotland when our dses were 11, 13 and 15, and they all coped well with the move. They all made new friends and settled in well.

To be honest, I think it is probably easier for children to move and make new friends/go to a new school when they are the age of your dc than when they are older - I think the children at their new school are less likely to have formed really firm friendship groups so it shouldn’t be difficult for them to integrate.

INeed2P · 18/09/2021 17:43

I moved schools so many times as a child (army family) and I can hand on heart say that it has never negatively impacted me, and i by the time it's been a few months they'll have new friends and have forgotten all about it! Children are super adaptable at that age Smile don't miss out on a perfect house you can make an amazing home!

Marmitecake · 18/09/2021 17:45

I agree with NoSquirrels. They will adapt, they're very young and will get new friends quite quickly. Existing pupils like newbies joining and there is often a fight to be friends with the new ones! So I would say move to new school.

Wilkolampshade · 18/09/2021 17:45

YABU for thinking a 30 minute drive is impossible. Good grief.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 18/09/2021 17:46

Ime give it til at least Xmas to do the 30 min drive.
We moved to a 35 min journey instead of 7...
Managed Apri to November but unfortunately ds's travel sickness was becoming a big issue..
Dd agreed when he puked into her lap!!
Dc were 6,8 and 9.
They settled extremely well very quickly in their new school..

BeenThruMoreThanALilBit · 18/09/2021 17:48

30 mins isn’t impossible, if you’re that worried about it.

Moving schools isn’t impossible.

You’re worrying too much. It’ll all work out.

TheAverageForumUser · 18/09/2021 17:49

There are other good schools. They will make new friends.

My dad was in the army. I had to move and change school every three years. I survived.

OwlinaTree · 18/09/2021 17:51

They will be fine in a new school op. There is often movement in the early years. They will make new friends quickly if they've got a big circle of friends where they are, they are obviously good at it!

Original poster
Chloe9871 · 18/09/2021 18:22

The area is a good area my husband knows it quite well, when we was viewing the property he said they wanted a quick sale and told us what price they was ideally looking for. I know people who have offered 10k under asking price, sometimes more. As far as I’m aware some people just want a quick and hassle free sale? Doesn’t mean their is anything wrong. The area is good.

OP posts:
Original poster
Chloe9871 · 18/09/2021 18:23

30 min drive which is not in Birmingham rush hour though, it will probably easily add 15-20 minutes to the journey maybe even more.

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 18/09/2021 19:05

As a teacher in a school we see children come and go as parents move and really, genuinely they are fine. It takes a week or two to find their feet then we forget they weren't always there. It will be fine. Just move!

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 18/09/2021 19:30

One thing to consider, @Chloe9871 - keeping them in their old school may well mean most of their friends live round there, rather than in the new area, so unless you could end up spending all your time driving them to and from play dates. But if they go to the new, local school, they will make friends who live nearby, and it will be much easier for you and them to maintain the friendships.

esloquehay · 18/09/2021 19:35

Why on earth did you run it by them so far in advance?! No wonder they were so upset. Yes, children are resilient, but you don't tell them stuff like this until it's a done deal/closer to the time. 🤦

LimeRedBanana · 18/09/2021 19:46

They’re the perfect age to move, honestly.

I think a 30 min drive for primary school, at least, is ludicrous, but maybe that’s because our school is a 5 minute walk away.

If you keep them at the same school, you’re never really going to integrate into the new area. And agree that actually maintaining their existing friendships will be so much harder as play dates and such like will be harder to arrange due to the distance.

They will be absolutely fine at the new school. But you do have to take a deep breath and a bit ‘no nonsense’ about it. Your kids need to see you being positive about it, and like it’s no big deal. If they sense any drama from you, you’ll get drama back from them.

Good luck - you will all be fine!

Finknottlesnewt · 19/09/2021 06:56

Good grief.

  1. Dc of this age DO NOT have a 'say' in this type of decision . They are 4 & 6 fgs.
  1. No child likes the 'idea' of change. Especially at that age.
  1. They will be sad for about 8.5 seconds before making new friends.
  1. It is your duty as a parent to make the best possible life for your children. The opportunity to buy a well priced home compared to renting is incredibly valuable and will have a much greater positive impact on your children's lives than whether of not little Jim remains friends with George and Charlie. (they won't btw. They will change friendships a gazillion times as they grow up)
  1. Parenting is not done by consensus. If it were then then mine would of eaten jam rolypoly for breakfast. Ridden Univorns to school and then only have gone on days they did art and music. YOU are the parent. You need to say how it's done WHEN you do it. NOT before.

If I were your DH I would be very very frustrated with you too.

AgentJohnson · 19/09/2021 07:17

Of course your children don’t want to move, there reaction is not unusual.

Glssr195726113493 · 19/09/2021 07:23

would be absolutely impossible to bring them to current school it’s a 30 minute drive

This is not impossible. Get the house. Keep the kids on their school. If you find it truly ‘impossible’, then look at moving them. Don’t pull out because you feel guilty about their school though, that’s ludicrous.

Upamountain43 · 19/09/2021 07:25

Honestly this is not an issue. My parents moved continuously when i was a child and i went to 7 separate schools - within a couple of weeks i had a whole group of new friends and never thought about my old ones again.

I would not be saying this if your children where teenagers but at this age honestly their individual friendships are not that important and they will make new ones almost instantly.

Acknowledge it sounds scary but treat it matter of factly and get on with it.

whosaidtha · 19/09/2021 07:30

Kids don't know what's best for them. They will be fine. And better to move now while they are young than waiting. They are never going to want to move and leave their friends so you'd be stuck forever.

Ichangedmynameonce · 19/09/2021 07:35

Haven't read all the thread, so apologies if I'm cross posting.....I understand your concern and think I would feel similar.

But, if you move now and stay at this school the problem won't go away- because presumably you'll have no chance of going to the secondary school local to the original primary and itll be harder to separate them at 11 than 6.

I'd say move, go for a fresh start and make an effort to stay in touch.

Good luck.

Amberfromcamber · 19/09/2021 07:41

Fast forward a few years when they go to secondary they may be out of catchment for the schools their friends will all go to and that would be a harder adjustment at that age to make local friends.

My teen DDs go to a school 15 mins drive away rather than the local one, now they are teens they moan their friends are not local and they are the ones who always have to travel to where their friendship group is.

Excited101 · 19/09/2021 07:41

Your mistake was to bring them in on any discussion, you should have made all the arrangements and then told them what was happening. Don’t try and commute, it will be a lot worse than you’re thinking it will, just get them in the local schools to the new house. Unfortunately this will be a lot harder now you’ve spoken to them about it but you’ll need to push through in a kind but firm way, good luck!

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