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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask for survival tips with a very angry child

33 replies

Greengrotbag · 18/09/2021 15:06

I'm struggling...my ds who is 8 has been so angry for about six months and it's getting worse by the day. I'm waiting on specialist help, but obviously waiting lists are really long currently, so in the meantime I'm desperate for some advice. He's losing his temper over the slightest thing, throwing stuff at us (his big sister, 10, dad and me), speaks to us really horribly and is generally very difficult unless he's getting what he wants. We've always been firm and we don't tend to back down, obviously certain battles are picked. We're to do as much love bombing, listening, art etc. as possible, and it's helping. But I'm wondering if he'll just get worse and worse. We don't know why it's happened, he's always been headstrong, and it got worse during the summer holidays so I don't think it's school.
Any tips at all would be great as I just feel at breaking point as I've a lot of other stuff to juggle right now and feel everything is almost beyond me. Thank you

OP posts:

Porcupineintherough · 18/09/2021 15:14

That sounds really tough.

I guess all I can suggest is try and work out what is at the root of all this anger.

Is it anxiety driven?
Is it frustration?!
Do you suspect something like asd in which case he may be overwhelmed and struggling to cope with the demands of daily life?
Is he being bullied?

Understanding what is underlying this is most definitely the key to solving this, but he's unlikely to be able to explain why he's behaving this way.

Can you spot any triggers?
Can you afford to pay for some support for him?

Porcupineintherough · 18/09/2021 15:15

Sorry, that was probably the opposite of helpful, just a big list of questions. But I've been there and you do need to work through them.

Phineyj · 18/09/2021 15:25

Sympathies, it's tough. We tried all sorts with our angry child and the only therapy that really helped was Non Violent Resistance (NVR). I'm sorry to say that we have had to pay for nearly every bit of help; although a holiday club referred us to social services at one point and they were somewhat helpful, to my surprise.

Phineyj · 18/09/2021 15:27

Oh and Porcupine's questions are good. Yes to all of them for us except being bullied.

undermycatsthumb · 18/09/2021 15:29

Have you read The Explosive Child? I don’t know if it will help but a friend really rated it for her son who sounded similar.

Phineyj · 18/09/2021 15:30

Survival tips. Avoid any friends or family who don't get it. Have lockable spaces in your house for e.g. easily breakable tech. Have a bathroom you can lock yourself in but he can't if he's violent. Protect the sibling. Plenty of exercise and fresh air for everyone.

Phineyj · 18/09/2021 15:31

That book is great, as is 10 Days to a Less Defiant Child and Smart But Scattered.

Phineyj · 18/09/2021 15:32

Martial arts?

agedmother · 18/09/2021 15:34

Could be worth looking at PACE parenting principles (Dan Hughes, Kim Golding), just to tide you over 'til you speak to a specialist, to help shore up relationships? If it's really bad can you afford to see a child psychologist privately? They are worth the expense.

HelplessProcrastinator · 18/09/2021 15:34

Another recommendation for The Explosive Child. Our angry child was diagnosed with ASD although that wasn't obvious to us at all. The anger peaked in year 4/5 of primary. She's quite lovely as a teenager although we do scaffold a lot to keep anxiety at a minimum. Might be worth looking at PDA profile of autism. Even if it isn't that some of the recommendations for managing the behavior may help.

Phineyj · 18/09/2021 15:36

Sorry for all these disjointed thoughts. Am watching DD 8 let off steam at the BMX track with a load of teenage boys.

No he won't just get worse, not if you're taking steps to help. I participated in a university study last year and the researcher said this kind of behaviour tends to peak around 8. DD is a lot better since we've had diagnosis and therapy.

Comedycook · 18/09/2021 15:36

My Ds was a nightmare once he hit age 8/9. I think a lot of boys are... apparently they have a hormone surge round about this age. I know lots of mums of boys who have gone through this. All I can suggest is lots of sleep, lots of exercise and plenty of nutritious food.

HelplessProcrastinator · 18/09/2021 15:44

A hormone surge at this age is common to boys and girls.

Original poster

Greengrotbag · 18/09/2021 16:54

Thank you so much for your help. It's nice to know it's not just us. I've actually just started reading The Explosive Child so that is a start. Thanks again

OP posts:

faw2009 · 18/09/2021 17:33

Hi, 5 point scale for managing emotions is very interesting, could help your son to identify for himself when things are going to get out of control. Also Star approach which looks at specific settings, triggers , repercussions ... can also help.

BluebellsGreenbells · 18/09/2021 17:36

Martial arts?. Just no!

He needs calming techniques not martial arts

coodawoodashooda · 18/09/2021 17:42

We went to a homeopath. I can't recommend it highly enough.

ThunderThighs123 · 18/09/2021 20:12

I can recommend getting a pet for him to care for. My cousin was an angry child, and getting him a pet really helped him to empathise with something else, and to experience those nurturing feelings. Being responsible for another living creature really helped him to turn his thoughts and energy outwards instead of inwards. This calmed him down.

Good luck. Xx

Comedycook · 18/09/2021 20:17

@BluebellsGreenbells

Martial arts?. Just no!

He needs calming techniques not martial arts

I disagree. I've noticed lots of boys have pent up aggression and explode. Martial arts teaches them discipline and helps them channel their aggression in a controlled safe way.

Ilovetoddlerssaidnooneever · 18/09/2021 20:25

I was going to suggest PDA as well.

I'm a teacher, and we're always told that sudden behaviour changes should be logged as a safeguarding concern as they can be a sign that something untoward is going on. I'm really sorry, I appreciate that might scare you, but I think it's important to consider. Might it be worth talking to the school?

Noorandapples · 18/09/2021 20:46

I really recommend looking up Family Lives and Family Action. I've worked with a few of their volunteers and staff and they are brilliant and very non judgemental. They both work with the whole family and if they aren't in your area they can signpost you to a similar organisation.

Phineyj · 18/09/2021 21:05

I wouldn't necessarily recommend a pet. Our cats are quite frightened of our daughter due to her volatile behaviour.

PileOfBooks · 18/09/2021 21:07

Another vote for Explosive Child. Ross Greene is amazing.

Embracelife · 18/09/2021 21:14

Look up Yvonne Newbold on challenging behaviour
And
www.pdasociety.org.uk/what-is-pda-menu/identifying-pda/

Go by the behaviour is communication
Why? What?

gmailconfusion2 · 18/09/2021 21:20

I agree with the possibility of martial arts, but it depends how he takes it. I found it gave a focus, discipline and an outlet, and something they were good at. However, some children may see it as a way of teaching an appropriate response in the outside world, it does depend on the instructor. The instructors we had continously said the best way to use what we learnt was to run away and never use it

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