To ask for survival tips with a very angry child

[Greengrotbag]

I'm struggling...my ds who is 8 has been so angry for about six months and it's getting worse by the day. I'm waiting on specialist help, but obviously waiting lists are really long currently, so in the meantime I'm desperate for some advice. He's losing his temper over the slightest thing, throwing stuff at us (his big sister, 10, dad and me), speaks to us really horribly and is generally very difficult unless he's getting what he wants. We've always been firm and we don't tend to back down, obviously certain battles are picked. We're to do as much love bombing, listening, art etc. as possible, and it's helping. But I'm wondering if he'll just get worse and worse. We don't know why it's happened, he's always been headstrong, and it got worse during the summer holidays so I don't think it's school.
Any tips at all would be great as I just feel at breaking point as I've a lot of other stuff to juggle right now and feel everything is almost beyond me. Thank you

I've just read The boy who built a wall around himself to my 9 year old and his shy smiles showed how he identified with the boy.

Perhaps boys this age just can't put into words how they are feeling. I wonder if the age they were when lockdown first happened has had an effect on both their anger and anxieties, as it has on all ages.

Read the reviews on amazon. Beautifully illustrated with the boy in grey and gradually bursts of colour from the 'kind person' reaching over the wall.

Others have asked questions, I agree the main thing is why is he so angry, especially if it was a change? Without understanding that, knowing the best approach may be tricky.

He may not know why he's angry. My DD of the same age generally doesn't.

OP, if you Google PDA panda strategies, there are some useful tips.

Send your daughter for self defence / martial arts classes. This will only get worse before it gets better & she needs to be able to protect herself. Amp up her afterschool / weekend activities as it ill also give her a break from him.

Ideally he needs to develop the skills to with encouragement self regulate before he gets to the explosion point. Obviously much easier said than done.

Ds does relax kids classes which have really helped him because it’s given him a good tool box to use to help himself.

I also agree with martial arts because that’s a lot of discipline and focus for his energy and anger

I think it will help you to start reading up on ASD and ADHD. I'm not for one second recommending you Internet diagnose your child. But it can give you some useful insights into his behaviour and practical ways to help you manage it.

My DS is 8 and we have been waiting to see neurodevelopmental for 18 months now (thanks Covid ). I dont know what condition he has. But he is very anxious, he likes routine and hates any deviation from this (had a melt down last night because we let him and his brother stay out late past bedtime and play out!). He has no impulse control, he demands his own way constantly and any frustration comes out in anger and tears.

Reading up around ASD/ADHD has helped me because I was able to recognise those behaviours in him and find ways to deal with it. We now generally try to avoid messing with his routine too much. We try to let him think he has own way (when really we've guided his decision!). We let him have his space. He is quite happy and content to be by himself and doesn't like large groups of people, so we let him go upstairs when family visit etc. We tend to have a lazy day one day at the weekend to relax because he finds school exhausting.

I also encourage him to talk about his emotions and try to help him put names to them. He's told it's ok to feel X,Y and Z, but it's not OK to hit, shout, tantrum etc.

Yvonne newbold has a very good Facebook page and webpage for dealing with this type of behaviour. A lot of it flys in the face of what traditional parenting looks like with firm boundaries etc as for a certain type of child this actually increases anxiety and makes things worse.

Have you space you can out up a tent with beanbags in etc?

Teach him that when she's angry he can go there and calm down.

It's about not making him feel bad for anger (it actually makes them more angry) but about teaching them the way they express it needs to change.

You then have an agreement that when he goes into the tent no one will disturb him until he is ready to come out and talk.

My ds has asd. It took years of trying to persuade people that just because they thought he was ready to talk didn't mean he was ready. That he would let them know when he was in a place to discuss it.