Not speaking to dh AITA?

[Parkersburg]

I live in abroad and have to go to UK for mtgs for work. This is a recent development as all was ok due to lockdowns. Dh doesn't work, we can only afford to live abroad like this because of my job. He does do the housework and cook. This isn't a big chore, there's only us yet he kinda does chores every other day. So this is the first time travelling back to UK on my own .Only because of restrictions I have had to come through another country and spend 11 nights at really budget hotel on my own rather than go in govt quarantine.

That's the background, so I try to ring to tell him I've landed and he's at the bar drunk, really drunk. The next day I'm stuck in my room as I am working and in meetings and I can't get hold of him. About 4pm I get a text to tell me ...sorry am ok just knackered... I know at that point he's been asleep all day with a hangover. He then tries to phone 2 hours later for video chat and I haven't spoken to him since.

I was really worried about travelling on my own to another country, it's ok if your with friends or a partner but I'm not a whipper snapper and this is out of my comfort zone. I was expecting him to check in on me, say good morning, make sure I'm ok. Instead I've spent 3 days in a room working, I don't want to go out at night on my own and I do feel somewhat aggrieved.

So we haven't spoken in 3days, he phones me once a day to try. He doesn't message.

He knows I'm ok as he can see my Facebook activity. Am I the Arse hole here?

Well yes you’re being insanely childish and if a woman came on here and said they were getting the sulking silent treatment because they went out and got drunk with their mates when their DH was away. It could be construed and abuse.
Is this usually how you deal with minor upsets in your relationship.

Is there a reason why he doesn't work? Does he have any other income? He's showing a massive lack of caring, I'd have to challenge him on it and make it clear that I expect better.

I think you are a bit. Surely it's ok for hum to have a blowout every so often? I think not accepting his video call was childish.

I'd missed that you were giving him the silent treatment. That's abusive. He shouldn't have to live on eggshells not knowing what to expect. If you are abusive at home, then he's probably enjoying not having you around.

Sorry - with kindness as you're obviously feeling vulnerable but the silent treatment is never the answer... It resolves nothing and creates a situation where no-one knows how to break the deadlock whereas having a vent/rant and airing your grievances means you can both move on.

Him drinking the second you're out the country and getting so blitzed you can't talk to him is not great but your behaviour since has moved you squarely into the unreasonable space yourself. Just call him!

You expected him to sit at home by himself, ringing you to make sure that you are ok, checking in on you etc? You’re a grown woman. You are working.

And yes, answer his calls because if I was him I would stop trying pdq.

Yes, you are being awful. He had even apologised to you for getting drunk/being hungover and you’re still giving him the silent treatment. Why does he need to call you every morning to see if you’re ok? He’s calling you once a day to do that, to require it be every morning is weirdly controlling.

Yes you are.

This is just about the most immature overreaction I have ever seen on here.

Is there a backstory that explains this?

But you spoke to him the day he went out, he texted when he felt better the next day and then tried to call and you refuse to answer. It's not really true to say he's not checking in on you - you're ignoring him. He clearly has realised you're throwing a strop and not bothered calling again because there's no point. Silent treatment is childish and stupid, he really hasn't done much wrong here. So yes, YABU.

Why doesn't he work?

Haven't read the thread but I hope this turns into a Mumsnet Vs Reddit bunfight.

Giving the silent treatment is passive aggressive - whatever you are trying to achieve this is not the way to do it. You need to tell him how you feel and actually talk about. I think you really need to improve your communication skills, you are probably both seeing things in completely different ways and have no idea how the other is seeing things.

I agree with most of the PPs. YABU.

But I thought this comment was also odd "He does do the housework and cook. This isn't a big chore, there's only us yet he kinda does chores every other day."

What do you mean by this? You are aware that housework and cooking and related chores need doing daily. The fact that there are two of you is not relevant to the frequency chores are needed?

What do you mean by this? You are aware that housework and cooking and related chores need doing daily. The fact that there are two of you is not relevant to the frequency chores are needed?

I assume cooking/washing up is done daily. Most other chores are fone every other day. 2 people do not need to put a wash on every day or clean the bathroom/floors etc which might be the case if there were muddy kids or pets. It's definitely relevant

Your being emotionally abusive.

Are you giving him the silent treatment because he went out with mates and got drunk the first night you went away?
I can understand you may not want to get out in the evening in some countries, but in most European countries it's perfectly safe to be out and about in the evening.
I'm sorry, but you do need to grow up a bit.

You don't have to be very brave to travel abroad alone. Unless you're talking dangerous countries.
I'm not very adventurous and I managed a few countries on my own.

The chores are relevant to OP because she's trying to subtly let us know that she keeps him, he doesn't have kids to look after or a lot to do, so her assumption is that part of his keep and wages is to provide her emotional support to do her job, when she snaps her fingers. Like a sort of 80s PA.

That's the bit that feels dodgy. OP thinks he shouldn't do his own social life unless he's already made himself available to facilitate hers. Because she pays.

YABU. The ‘silent treatment’ is always childish nonsense.

It's confusing that the problem is that you wanted him to support you remotely but that you aren't allowing him to even call therefore you can't have needed it that badly if it makes you feel better to give him the silent treatment. It's not really relevant that he doesn't work, that's a choice you have made together and shouldn't stop him meeting friends when he wants. Why did you take the stressful 11 day detour. Wouldn't quarantine have been an easier option?

Yes I thought the chores thing and we can only afford to live like this because of ME

Was a not so subtle dig, she expects him to be there for her because she pays.

Either he’s a lazy entitled arse who does nothing for you and spends all your money down the pub so you should leave him ASAP.
Or you’re passive aggressive and controlling and he should run.

Either way, you don’t sound like you should be together

YTA, HTH.

Yes

Yes