Not speaking to dh AITA?

[Parkersburg]

I live in abroad and have to go to UK for mtgs for work. This is a recent development as all was ok due to lockdowns. Dh doesn't work, we can only afford to live abroad like this because of my job. He does do the housework and cook. This isn't a big chore, there's only us yet he kinda does chores every other day. So this is the first time travelling back to UK on my own .Only because of restrictions I have had to come through another country and spend 11 nights at really budget hotel on my own rather than go in govt quarantine.

That's the background, so I try to ring to tell him I've landed and he's at the bar drunk, really drunk. The next day I'm stuck in my room as I am working and in meetings and I can't get hold of him. About 4pm I get a text to tell me ...sorry am ok just knackered... I know at that point he's been asleep all day with a hangover. He then tries to phone 2 hours later for video chat and I haven't spoken to him since.

I was really worried about travelling on my own to another country, it's ok if your with friends or a partner but I'm not a whipper snapper and this is out of my comfort zone. I was expecting him to check in on me, say good morning, make sure I'm ok. Instead I've spent 3 days in a room working, I don't want to go out at night on my own and I do feel somewhat aggrieved.

So we haven't spoken in 3days, he phones me once a day to try. He doesn't message.

He knows I'm ok as he can see my Facebook activity. Am I the Arse hole here?

yes, silent treatment is abusive and childish.

Stop sulking like a baby and speak to him before he doesn't even bother calling you ever again.

Why doesn't he work?

Illness? Disability? Drinking himself stupid every day?

If he doesn't usually drink, you appear to be overreacting, but if he's an alcoholic who has happily skipped off for another binge whilst you are working, I'd probably be looking to stay here and cut off the money supply for his booze.

YTA

Why can't he go out for a drink while you're away?

It sounds like you're pissed off that you're working and he's having fun, so you're punishing him by refusing to answer his calls.

Why doesn't he have a job? Is it to do with the terms of his VISA in the country you live in or is he just lazy?

So apart from him being a cocklodger, why are you so pissed off? What has he done wrong? Does he have to stay home 24/7 while you're away?

Yes YABU.

There is a limit as to how much he can support you from another country.

Everyone is allowed to go out and get drunk sometimes if they want and if they dont hurt anyone or themselves. He waited till you were out of the country. Or next time would you prefer he does it on a weekend when he should really be spending time with you?

Did you move abroad for your work?

@RavingAnnie

I agree with most of the PPs. YABU.

But I thought this comment was also odd "He does do the housework and cook. This isn't a big chore, there's only us yet he kinda does chores every other day."

What do you mean by this? You are aware that housework and cooking and related chores need doing daily. The fact that there are two of you is not relevant to the frequency chores are needed?

Housework needs doing daily? News to me

I was really worried about travelling on my own to another country, it's ok if your with friends or a partner but I'm not a whipper snapper and this is out of my comfort zone

Bust out of your 'comfort zone'. It's bringing you no comfort

Are you in UK now or still in a third country to facilitate travel?

Yes, it's a bit daunting to do new stuff, but it's not really any different to do alone as to do with mates. Anything you fancy seeing or doing where you are? Even just going out for dinner will be a break from the same four walls. Or find a walking tour or go to a local gallery or museum.

Don't think about him until you're back. You might feel differently if you have found ways to use the opportunity to enjoy yourself whilst you're away.

And if you do decide to bin him, then yes you'll be doing a lot more stuff solo.

Yup you kind of are I'm afraid. I understand why you are upset given you were obviously anxious about the trip but you can't stonewall your H, that's abuse and really he didn't do anything wrong just not what you wanted.

Comments about spouses not working and that their household contribution is not hard to do is very nasty and tells me a lot about a person.

This had better not be a reverse.

Giving someone the silent treatment is abusive, so I think that does make you in the wrong, at the very least.

I completely disagree with all the posts. You are working your socks off, feel vulnerable and he is out getting drunk like a teenager, on your salary. That would drive me up the wall too. And I wouldn’t have much respect for another adult living their life like that.

I couldn’t be asked with the 3 days silent treatment though. But that’s just because that’s how I am.
I find the responses here really weird.

You are clearly deeply unhappy with your unbalanced and unfair relationship. This is a red herring. Why are you with him?

You are working your socks off, feel vulnerable and he is out getting drunk like a teenager, on your salary.

You don’t know this. OP has said that they can only afford to live abroad due to her salary. OP has said she is not a “whipper snapper” which means she is not a young woman. It is possible that her DH is older and a retired expat with a pension while she is still working. None of her statements say that he contributes zero financially and I think she would have mentioned it if his contribution were zero given the tone of her post.