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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think the time is wrong to put the "past behind us" with my MIL at 34 weeks pregnant?

30 replies

mum2sons · 05/12/2007 09:59

I have recived a letter from my MIL whom we havent been in contact with for a year saying let's put the past behind us as a new grandchild is coming soon. She has made no effort with my other son's, has bad mouthed me to everyone in the most cruel way (including my little niece and nephews)over the last 5 years and has caused me no end of hurt. My DH has not spoken to them for months due to way they treat us. My feeling is that they will be embaressed if they don't meet the new baby and that is what is scaring them now. However, my 3 year old does not even know who they are and they have not bothered with my 12 year old for years either so why should I bother? Sorry, long winded but I am feeling upset by this and wanted to know wise MNetter views.

OP posts:

dustystar · 05/12/2007 10:04

How does dh feel?

AngharadGoldenhand · 05/12/2007 10:07

Has she apologised?

Original poster

mum2sons · 05/12/2007 10:12

DH says that it is the wrong time. He has tried to speak to them in the past but he has been treated like the petulent child! She has never apologised.

OP posts:

dustystar · 05/12/2007 10:14

Then it sounds as though you've answered your own question. YANBU. It sounds like you're better off without her in your lives.

NAB3littlemonkeys · 05/12/2007 10:14

Well as someone who hasn't seen their mother for 15 years (and I don't have one as far as I am concerned) I would do what I want with this and not what you think you should.

Hulababy · 05/12/2007 10:16

How about for now just DH does the meetings/talking - small, baby steps. And then when you are ready, it can move on further forward.

sagitta · 05/12/2007 10:17

It many be late, but wouldn't it be nice for your dcs if they had another grandparent? Why not talk to her, find out why she badmouthed you, get an apology and bury the hatchet for everyone's sake. Give her one last chance...

Dropdeadfred · 05/12/2007 10:18

I would ignore the letter. BTW how does she know you are pg?

Original poster

mum2sons · 05/12/2007 10:21

Good idea about DH doing the talking. She knows I am pg via my SIL and BIL

OP posts:

Pollyanna · 05/12/2007 10:23

I would let your dh do what he thinks fit and let him speak to her and maybe meet her (with the children if he wants to).

I don't speak to my mil now (not pointedly, but I just don't have her in my life as she made it very clear she doesn't like me) and it makes everything easier. She sees the children and dh a couple of times a year whenever she wants to and I have no interaction with her at all.

LoveAngelGabriel · 05/12/2007 10:32

My gut instinct is to decline her invitation for the time being - get your DH to call or write or whatever - and send her a nice card and photo of her grandchild when he/she is born. You don't need the headache around the time of the birth of a child.

LoveAngelGabriel · 05/12/2007 10:32

Was going to add - you can reassess the situation once you've settledd into things with the new baby.

Original poster

mum2sons · 05/12/2007 10:52

There were a few times when DH took the children to see them when I was working and didn't know wabout it. Was really awful finding out as I felt like we were a divorced couple IYKWIM and it caused no end of rows. There have been lots of family occasions that we have been excluded from and my DS2 is not invited to my nephews bdays because of the MIL being there (they are both 3 and adore each other!)

Pollyanna, it sounds like you have it all sorted with your situation. How sad that these MILs lose not only their granchildren but their son in their dislike for their DIL! Having sons myself, I really hope that I would be a nice MIL one day (at least I would know how NOT to do it!)

I think LoveAngelGabriel is right about leaving it until the baby is born.

You are all helping loads so far, thanks! x

OP posts:

perpetualworrier · 05/12/2007 11:14

It depends how you think things will be afterwards.

In an idea world you'd put it all behind you and everyone would get along.

We haven't seen DH's parents for 4 years, as they decided they didn't want to be around me and DH wasn't prepared to see them if they were going to be like that about me.

I feel guilty that my Ds's don't know their other grandparents and dread what will happen should one of the IL's die or become seriously ill, but life is so much easier without them. We were always treading on eggshells, it was the only thing (apart from decorating ) that DH and I rowed about and I know that if we did "make up" it would only be a matter of time before we were going through it again. Only next time, DS's would be old enough to miss their grandparents.

What do you tell you DC's about why they don't see their GP's? Mine don't seem to have even considered that they should have some more, but I don't know what I will say when they ask why Johnny has 4 and they only have 2.

Mungarra · 05/12/2007 11:24

I suppose you should give her a chance to make amends if your DH wants to, but I'd tell her to wait until you're settled with the new baby. Late pregnancy and the first month with a new baby is not the time to have stressful visitors.

I agree that it would be nice to send a photo of the baby when he/she is born, but I'd avoid the visit for a while.

Original poster

mum2sons · 05/12/2007 11:32

perpetualworrier, sounds v similar, the rows the ILs have caused us have been horrendous and it does feel more peaceful without them. DS2 who is 3 doesnt ask as he doesnt know who they are having only seen them a few times. DS1 is 12 so understands but is also protective of me and doesnt ask about them. We always do thankyou cards for presents if they send anything and I have sent pictures of the boys.

Mungarra, yes the first weeks with anewborn and this stage of pregnancy is not the right time. I think I will leave it to DH although that has always made things worse rather than better in the past (MIL is a v stubborn woman who cannot see any other point of view!)

OP posts:

Peachy · 05/12/2007 11:37

Gosh are you me? MIL wrote a birthday letter to DS1 this week, I am also 24 weeks pg (she wouldn't bother though if she knew it was a 4th boy!)

My history with MIL is well documented on ehre, she's pretty ansty and thought OK to call my SN son a freak to his face so she ranks as evil (but also I suspect mentally ill)

FWIW in my opinion its totally up to DH how much contact we as a family have- she's his Mum after all. I'd be ken to renew relations (what if she died tomorrow after all?) but he won't have it (long story but years ago DH was severely depressed ajnd had a failed suiicde bid, MIL rang to say her problems were far worse).

My 4.5 year old doesn't know MIL which saddens me somewhat (he does know FIL as ey are divorced), I don't even think she knows he also has ASD to be honest- we did e-mail BIL but got no reply (they house share).
The other boys do though (8 and 6- we've not seen for 2 years, spoken to for a year IIRC) and that seems sad to me.

RudolphtherEDDASnosedreindeer · 05/12/2007 11:47

nothing to say really but reading perpetualworrier's question about why her dc's have 2 gp's and others have 4. I wouldn't worry as so many children have lots of gps or only a few due to divorce/remarriage/deaths. I often wonder if my dc's will ask why they have 3 grandads and only one nan but I will explain when and if they ask they may not even ask. I think it's actually unusal for dc's to have 4 gps nowadays.

Mum2sons, hope it all goes ok. Blot her out and enjoy the last of you pg and enjoy the new baby. Like others say let dh deal with her. He seems to say no atm anyway

mistlethrush · 05/12/2007 11:58

Think no contact with you and new dc until baby is a bit older is the only sensible thing to do - you don't need the stress - yes, send photo etc so as not to totally exclude.

You might want to suggest that, if she is really keen to let bygones be bygones, Christmas might be a good time of year to acknowledge that she has two other dgs already - and to accept that your ds2 gets on well with nephew and doesn't want to be excluded when she is around etc. If she can act as a normal gm to these two, perhaps there is potential that dc3 might also be introduced... However, you might think that this is not suitable in terms of existing dc - but it depends upon them, how its done etc....

chocchipchristmascake · 05/12/2007 12:03

I have an awful MIL, posted about her recently on the Christmas board.

But we see her despite all the crap.

My main point here IMO is the message you are sending to your children. Frankly I am always a bit suspicious when I hear people say they have no contact at all with a parent except where there has been sexual or emotional/mental abuse. I totally understand it there.

But when it is the usual crap - gossip and snide comments - then I still think it is worth having some limited contact. You are showing your children how to negotiate realtionships with difficult people. She is the grandmother - not the one you want but nonetheless she is.

I would have your baby, then send a photo, then visit her for about one hour. It would be nice to have a photo for your baby in the future if nothing else. Yes, it's all a bit fake but then families often are.

Lazarou · 05/12/2007 12:09

I'm in the same sort of situation with my sister, and i was going to send her a christmas card asking her to let bygones be bygones. Got lots of great advice on here from people.
Also fell out with my fil who is trying to worm his way back in to our lives.
I think it comes down to the fact that people do not consider how they will feel a few months or years down the line when things have changed. Also somebody pointed out that while it may be the right time for her, it might not be for you.
I think when the other person acknowledges their behaviour and shows some humility that may be the time to start letting them back in. It's very hard though when someone has behaved so badly, good luck.

maisemor · 05/12/2007 15:19

If you are feeling so stressed out about receiving a letter from her, I doubt that you are ready to see her face to face. If you are stressed it is undoubtedly going to affect your unborn child and your own health.

Children suffer if their parents are not there for them.
Children do not suffer if they don't have grandparents.
Children don't suffer if they only have one set of grandparents.

Unless she is willing to make a sincere apology (and tell all the people that she bad mouthed you to that she was wrong) then I would have nothing more to do with her.

NAB3littlemonkeys · 05/12/2007 18:53

True true true, maisemor.

perpetualworrier · 05/12/2007 19:04

Chocchip I agree with you - family is incredibly important to me and it really pains me that my children will see that it has been "OK" to have nothing to do with one side of the family.

Left to me I would make some sort of effort (last time we saw them I had c. 16 for Christmas Dinner to accomodate all their family, but she felt I snubbed her because I only spoke to people who were in the kitchen, surprisingly enough, so I have tried) but it seems that whatever I do it's never enough and the harder I try, the worse it gets (like that Christmas).

Dh is determined never to see them again and I have had to take the view that it's really his problem. They really did have a negative effect on us.

Peachy, I suspect one if not both of my IL's suffer from depression too, but you would never get either of them to talk about it or seek any help, so what can you do?

chocchipchristmascake · 05/12/2007 20:08

Dear PW. This is exactly my experience - the harder I tried the worse it got culminating with me buying her a fifty pound gift voucher for her birthday for which I never got a thank you or even an acknowledgement. (I posted on this on the Chrsitmas topic list from about a week ago but I don't know how to link to it).

So I have resolved to do much less - modest presents, short visits.

I would send the photo, think about a short visit (on your terms, I would suggest at her place so you can leave when you want to).

No more meals, I did that whole dinner for 16 thing, no appreciation whatsoever!! Just bloody sniping and moaning.

My guess is your MIL is discontented, unhappy with her life and resentful of any one who seems happy or fortunate.

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