To ask for your secrets you're taking to the grave

[FuckingFabulous]

Lighthearted, and risk free. Given that this is all anonymous and all that.

When I was fourteen, I was out with my friend after drama club. It was winter and dark and fucking freezing but I was sweating as well as shivering. We were walking to her grandma's house in the next village where I was getting picked up by my stepdad in about an hour. I was quite clearly ill, but my mum had not believed me and sent me to a long day at school. As we were walking, my belly churned and I knew that there was gastric trouble afoot. I excused myself into an innocent looking field for "a wee" but I knew it was not that. Thankfully, there were no street lights at all, so even if someone had come past, they'd not have seen. It was pitch black. My friend kept watch while my bowels evacuated what seemed like water and slime for about five minutes and sweat dripped off my body onto the ground, I can remember how much I was shaking and how I had the weirdest taste of metal in my mouth. When the onslaught ended, I didn't know how to wipe my bum. I took off my school tie, wiped with that and then had no idea what to do so I just discarded it at the scene and shamefully scuttled back to my friend. I was then off school for a week with some kind of horrible intestinal infection.

But the field. The quiet little field I'd chosen to slip over the fence into. It was a graveyard. And I'd relieved myself right next to a war grave. Right before armistice. And left my school tie there. How do I know? Because it was in the school newsletter as a "regrettable incident" and anyone with information as to who the culprit was could report in confidence to the headteacher. I expect the groundskeeper reported it to the school. Even my mum tutted about no respect. Thank god it was over 20 years ago. Nowadays it would have trended with a hashtag and a witch hunt.

And now I have finally told the tale. What's yours?

I'm really enjoying how some of these big secrets are actually very sweet and wholesome good thread @FuckingFabulous

I told my friend ide been thrown out of a nightclub but in reality ide sneaked away early to go meet her brother who she had warned me to stay away from when we had been flirting earlier in the evening.
We were both single consenting adults but I still wouldnt tell her and judging by the fact she hasnt said anything her brother must of kept quiet too.

I do actually have another. One other person knows and I hope they take it to their grave. I certainly won't be telling anyone else IRL

My stepbrother, when really drunk at a wedding, made a very graphic pass at me. He's normally very respectful, a genuinely lovely guy. But ugh. That night, he was drinking shots, which he never does, and he was telling me "I pull myself off over thoughts of us together. It's so naughty. So dirty. Let me have you for one night." I was about 21 and he was 28. Our parents had been together about 10 years, and just as I was telling him this and reasoning with him, my mum goes-

"Aww, why don't you two dance together and I'll get a picture? Oh please, it'll be lovely." No, mum, it will not. But he nodded like a lunatic and spun me away. So I had to dance with him with his boner grinding into my hip all the way through "Endless Love." My mum has a photo of us dancing together and she loves it. He can't remember the dancing. I remember every hard inch of it and not with any affection! As soon as mum was done with her Kodak moment, she turned her back and I had to deal with his crotch grinding and his wet lips on my hands like he was trying to impress debutantes at an 18th century ball.

Every time we are at any sort of family gathering and he has a drink in his hand, I'm always steering clear of him, lest he should tell me he's spent the last fifteen years wanking over that memory.

@notelegant entirely off topic, but did your elegant Wallis military-style coat have a fake fur collar, nipped-in waist and flare out to the ankle? If so, I've still got mine! My DM bought it for my 20th (I was deeply unimpressed at the time) but it's still going strong 27 years later

I had a horrid manager when I was about 19 and working in our local council office. She was so full of herself, loud and condescending. She ‘jokingly’ used to call me ‘filing person’ and ask me to make her a coffee whilst clicking her fingers. I got so sick of her shit and started offering her a coffee every time she walked into the main office.... and I would spit in every single one of those coffees.

Incidentally, another secret I have is at the same place of work we had a lovely man who worked across from me and used a mobility scooter. Every day when he left one of us would walk him out to his car and drove the work’s mobility scooter back to the office for the next day. One day I was showing off my racing skills and put the scooter into full speed across the car park. All good. Came to the door of the office building and stopped to put the door code in, wedged it open so I could ride in. Got back on the scooter and forgot it was still on full speed and slammed it head on into the flimsy thin plaster board in the corridor just outside our office. It was so bad, the scooter was wedged into to the hole it had made. I had to get off and yank it out of the wall. I turned the speed down and casually rode it back into the office like nothing had happened. Later that day I heard the bitch boss complaining about the work men who put new light bulbs in the corridor and how they must have put one of their ladders through the wall. I never did confess what actually happened.

@FuckingFabulous

OMG, poor you! I bet that dance was more 'Endless' than 'Love' :(

The nice old lady who lived next door to us used to tell me about her grown up daughter, who was rude, stroppy and demanding. The old lady died and her daughter moved in. She was indeed rude, stroppy and picked a massive fight with us about something we had done (on our own property) which her mum had been fine with. She accused us of making her mum's life hell and ruining her last months, going on about how close they had been and how we knew nothing about the old lady we had been friends with. We endured a year of awfulness from her before she decided to blank us completely then sell up.

I never told her what her mother had said about her. I wanted to, so many times, but I never did...

[quote Fillybuster]@notelegant entirely off topic, but did your elegant Wallis military-style coat have a fake fur collar, nipped-in waist and flare out to the ankle? If so, I've still got mine! My DM bought it for my 20th (I was deeply unimpressed at the time) but it's still going strong 27 years later [/quote]
@Fillybuster yes it did! As you say, still going strong!

Have NC for this. It's a bit weird but here we go.. finally telling someone. About 15 years ago in my early-mid 20s I went to visit family overseas and caught up with some cousins i barely knew as they are all 10 years older than me. Obviously some family I knew very well. Lots of drinks were had and I ended up going back to my cousins house. Nothing happened on my part but I was drunk and remember sitting on his lap and we nearly kissed.

I think cos we didn't know each other it was just 2 randoms being drunk. Anyway I stopped before the kiss happened and went back to my family I was staying with. My family I stayed with suspected something happened as apparently I was very quiet the next day. I didn't tell them anything. My parents thrn found out from he concerned relative that maybe something happened and were quizzing me what went on etc but I just stuck to my story v drunk and hungover next day

I've met the cousin over the years and it's never come up again and we chat normally but I've never told anyone this

My boyfriend (now DH) and I had a quick shag on the bed when we arrived at a wedding venue. The organisers then told us they’d made a mistake and that was my Mum and Dad’s room. We just straightened the bed and flushed the loo and didn’t tell anyone.

I was temping at a high st recruitment company and hated doing the filing - there wasn’t enough to do so they got my doming through it all checking it up to date or something like that. I never put it back in the correct place or even under the correct letter!
They offered me a perm role but I declined

When I was about 10 I had to to go a toddler’s birthday party at a community hall as my mum was friends with the child’s mum and was helping out. I was extremely bored so started trying to pick the lock of one of the cupboards in the kitchen with the end of a teaspoon, not expecting to succeed. Except I did, and inside the cupboard were several big boxes of chocolate bars and sweets. I impulsively grabbed a box of 48 Cadbury’s Creme Eggs and hung my jacket over it to hide it, then walked out to the car and hid it in the boot. I managed to get it into the house after we got home and I ate a Cadbury’s Creme Egg in bed every morning before breakfast for the entire summer holidays.

Oh I have another one.

I had a real cow of a boss (well she was a director, my boss' boss) when I was about 20. I was a customer service person in an office. She was so rude, would march out of her office, bang her cup down on my desk and bark 'coffee!' before striding off even if I was on the phone. She was very particular about how she liked it and if you got it wrong she'd bring it back out and make you do another one (I tried getting it wrong on purpose in the hope she wouldn't ask me again, nope).

So I used to use the manky dishrag that was used for wiping the old milk off the frother to wash her cup and give it a good rub with it each time. It was rank, no one ever washed it. That gave me a bit of satisfaction.

I also filed a load of important stuff that she asked me to just before I left... in the confidential waste bin.

Ugh she was horrible!

Framed the little girl next door on a biting charge. She had a reputation for it, and when her brother and I were about to get in trouble for teasing her we toothmarked our own arms and landed her in it.

Guilt persists over 70 years later. If I had any way to contact her I'd apologise.

@hazelnutpraline

When I was about 10 I had to to go a toddler’s birthday party at a community hall as my mum was friends with the child’s mum and was helping out. I was extremely bored so started trying to pick the lock of one of the cupboards in the kitchen with the end of a teaspoon, not expecting to succeed. Except I did, and inside the cupboard were several big boxes of chocolate bars and sweets. I impulsively grabbed a box of 48 Cadbury’s Creme Eggs and hung my jacket over it to hide it, then walked out to the car and hid it in the boot. I managed to get it into the house after we got home and I ate a Cadbury’s Creme Egg in bed every morning before breakfast for the entire summer holidays.

I love this so much. I think this has knocked the onion theft confession off the top spot!

@hazelnutpraline

When I was about 10 I had to to go a toddler’s birthday party at a community hall as my mum was friends with the child’s mum and was helping out. I was extremely bored so started trying to pick the lock of one of the cupboards in the kitchen with the end of a teaspoon, not expecting to succeed. Except I did, and inside the cupboard were several big boxes of chocolate bars and sweets. I impulsively grabbed a box of 48 Cadbury’s Creme Eggs and hung my jacket over it to hide it, then walked out to the car and hid it in the boot. I managed to get it into the house after we got home and I ate a Cadbury’s Creme Egg in bed every morning before breakfast for the entire summer holidays.

This is the absolute best story The delicious pleasure of the stolen creme eggs. Mmm

My dad had an emotional affair twenty years ago. Parents together, seemingly perfect childhood, no hint of any trouble. He left himself logged on (to our ancient AOL account) by accident, a msg pinged up, and I uncovered it all from there. This was right at the start of my uni summer holidays. I panicked and locked my dad out of his account completely in such a way that he, as a baby boomer internet newbie, would never be able to recover it. Covered my arse by 'crashing' the computer. I agonised over whether to tell my mother but decided not to because I didn't know if he actually intended to act upon any of the things I'd read he was going to do. I think she suspected anyway, and if she suspected and hadn't taken it any further then I didn't see it as my place to force it.

I had a breakdown which culminated in me needing psychiatric treatment. Never told a soul, not even the therapist, especially not my dad.

My mum died ten years later and I don't regret not telling her as those last ten years of her life she got to travel and see and do amazing things. Dad is still alive and I think he knows what I did, but has never had the balls to ask me. I am v much the black sheep child now and was given much less financial support than siblings, eg. less than half as much money as sister for my wedding.

When I was about 14 I was bullied relentlessly at school for about 2 years. That bit isn't a secret. Nor is the fact I'd repeatedly go through bouts of starving myself to try and deal with what I was going through.
The secret bit was that I started shoplifting, not even stuff I really needed, just like make-up and jewellery. I remember chatting to a cashier while slipping keyring in my sleeve.
Its stupid and I regret it but at the time I was also thinking about killing myself and the stealing and starving was the only thing make me feel like I had some kind of control over my life.
When I moved to a different school for 6th form I took a pair of earrings from Claires and my new friends gave me a lot of shit for it for a couple weeks. I never stole again. They were good friends :)

When I was in primary 5, so about 10 years old, I sent the most cringey ‘love letter’ to a boy in my class who I didn’t even particularly like so I still have no idea why I sent it, and why I used a completely made up cringey nickname, or why I put it on his chair at playtime. Because of course after playtime he found it and read it out in front of everyone, the entire class, the whole thing, nickname and all. Then looked me dead in the eye and said ‘did you write that’.

I said no of course and I’ve never, ever admitted it to anyone until this day but I’ve never forgotten it 😬

Unhappy marriage decided I'd murder him. Poison was what I settled on. I got a piece of chicken from freezer and defrosted on window ledge (summer in the sun) I then refroze, doing this several times. I had the intention of making a curry. I dont eat meat so he wouldn't be suspicious of the two curry's as this was the norm. I then put the chicken in the bin packed my belongings in a bin bag and ran, never looked back.

@Ddot

Unhappy marriage decided I'd murder him. Poison was what I settled on. I got a piece of chicken from freezer and defrosted on window ledge (summer in the sun) I then refroze, doing this several times. I had the intention of making a curry. I dont eat meat so he wouldn't be suspicious of the two curry's as this was the norm. I then put the chicken in the bin packed my belongings in a bin bag and ran, never looked back.

You thought about it but didn’t do it?

@quickwhitedog

I pissed in my flatmate’s shampoo bottle. definitely deserved

And the thread ends up bringing out the revolting mumsnet brigade.

I was a Hooker bought and paid for, millions of miles away from me now

I used to work for a consulting firm with an ogre of a CEO. Me & a colleague had to work over the weekend and through the night to get a project finished, with long waits to test solution very stressful. Another colleague offered to help us out and brought lots of booze music and a dartboard. We got drunk and played darts in the boardroom. It turns out I'm not very good at darts. Made holes in the large table and surrounding wooden panel walls Also puked in the CEOs private bathroom.
Managed to clean it up. Found out later CEO thought they had woodworm infestation which was costly to fix for a listed building.