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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

She gave my son a fringe. Aibu

71 replies

Buttercupmoon · 17/09/2021 11:27

Hi all. I have posted here before about my mother. We have a history of conflict in our relationship, mostly because I find her quite controlling. Over the past year, since I had my son, we have argued, she has been apologetic for being too bossy and we have been getting on well. Anyway, she offered to watch my son for a day a week when I am back in work, he goes to nursery for 4 days and is with me for 1 day. I was very grateful and agreed as it would be financially helpful. I asked his nursery to drop a day from next month for her to look after him. She also helped me watch him this week when he was unwell and unable to go to nursery. After picking him up and bringing him home I noticed his hair was swept to one side. He has lovely hair, lots of it, I love it. I brushed his hair out and saw she had cut it, cut a very short uneven fringe for him and taken more off the sides. I was and am furious about it. I already asked nursery to keep him in for 4 days but haven't broken it to my mother yet. My husband thinks I am being too hasty and should work with her to come up with some rules. I just feel that I don't trust her. When I called her to speak (shout) to her about the hair cut, she said :oh you noticed that did you'. She did eventually apologise and promise to not do it again.

But from an outsider's perspective, am I over reacting? Aibu

OP posts:

ManifestDestinee · 17/09/2021 12:46

@NuffSaidSam

'It's not her problem to solve, so it's still controlling. If your kid is here on a play date and her hair is in her eyes, is it ok if I take the kitchen scissors to it?'

Firstly, at no point have I said what she did was ok.

Secondly, I'd appreciate you were trying to solve a problem that I should have already solved (hair in the eyes), so whilst I might not be best pleased I would struggle to be angry with you and would ultimately forgive and move on. And make sure my child didn't have hair in their eyes so that someone else had to intervene going forward.

I don't for a second think you'd be calm about me cutting your kid's hair! It would be an insane thing for me to do and if you weren't angry I'd suggest you don't understabnd boundaries.

WomanStanleyWoman · 17/09/2021 12:48

@Bluntness100

It will grow back, she’s apologised and said she won’t do it again, I don’t think you need to keep punishing both of you. It’s a hair cut, she didn’t dye it blonde and pierce his nose.

On any thread about hair, one of the first responses is always ‘It will grow back’ - as if we’d perhaps all somehow reached adulthood without realising how hair works, and that we actually all had Girls Worlds for heads.

Yes, hair grows back - but it’s not really the point.

Bobsyer · 17/09/2021 12:52

If it wasn’t noticeable until you’d brushed it a certain way, does it really matter?

Don’t get me wrong, I would have been upset too. I cried when my kid was 2 and I had to skin his head as he’d cut his own hair .

Looking back though - meh. It’s hair.

DrSbaitso · 17/09/2021 12:54

It's not acceptable. Clear overstepping.

littlenickyy61 · 17/09/2021 13:00

I don't think its so much the hair that's the issue its the power dynamic. Your mum felt in that moment either that she knew better or that she knew deep down you wouldn't like it but did it anyway. I feel it was most probably the 1st option otherwise she would have mentioned she had done it. If there was no previous history and she was genuinely sorry I may feel differently but in your situation I would be worried about other situations arising where she felt she ' knew best' or ' no harm done' . You can either take the direct approach and say you are not looking after him unsupervised now because of x y z or you can just say plans have changed and thanks for the offer but its no longer necessary and enjoy time together where you are supervising.

NuffSaidSam · 17/09/2021 13:03

'I don't for a second think you'd be calm about me cutting your kid's hair! It would be an insane thing for me to do and if you weren't angry I'd suggest you don't understabnd boundaries.'

Well, I suppose we'll have to agree to disagree then? But given that I know myself and my reactions better that you do I am probably better placed to say how I'd react than you are!

I'd think it a bit OTT but not insane if I came back to find you'd clipped the hair out of my child's eyes. If you'd given them a full haircut it would be different, but a little trim to get the hair out of the eyes? Nah, couldn't get worked up about it.

Anordinarymum · 17/09/2021 13:12

She should not have done it. Full stop. I have grandchildren and cutting their hair is an offence punishable by my death should I dare to... which I would not do.. I mean.. a fringe.. far too close to a child's eyes for one thing.

Applesonthelawn · 17/09/2021 13:15

Can you not just lay some ground rules? Maybe she is controlling and overstepped the mark, or maybe you couldn't be bothered conveying to her in a non-aggressive but firm way what is and is not acceptable to you? Perhaps if you did that, she wouldn't want to offer childcare, who knows, but communication is usually the key to finding that out. Just talk to her in a normal tone and make it clear that you, as mother, are in charge.

Mischance · 17/09/2021 13:17

I would be so so cross - how dare she? I look after GC and no way would I do such a thing without asking the parents.

Ihopeyourcakeisshit · 17/09/2021 13:17

I think there will always be something OP.
If she has a history if being controlling another issue will crop up where she will overstep and then apologise.
It will just be a series of pushing boundaries, not worth the hassle imo.

BedTed · 17/09/2021 13:19

YANBU, it is a huge control thing and it is an issue and I guess a symptom of underlying issues. If your go to response is to keep him in nursery then do that.

BecauseMyRingBurnsSheila · 17/09/2021 13:25

You're absolutely right to keep the 4 nursery days. She's shown you what she's going to be like and you've listened. I actually wish more OPs didn't wait for 20 examples before understanding they aren't going to change!

DeepaBeesKit · 17/09/2021 13:25

If you dont like how she does things dont use her for childcare

The hair thing though, meh. I know a few people who are oddly precious about their little boys long hair. For some reason people will tie or clip up a little girl's hair so its not in their eyes, but won't do this on a little boy with long hair. So you see scores of little boys with long hair loose and in their eyes. It's annoying that she cut without checking but maybe tie or clip it back tidily in future if you're going to keep it long.

BlibBlabBlob · 17/09/2021 13:29

Good call to put him back in nursery, I did the same after having my parents look after DD for the first year that I was back at work. Constant attempts to undermine my 'wacky' parenting and an actual statement that my mother felt it her responsibility to 'fix' my parenting mistakes while DD was in her care!!

The last straw was her bringing a jar of baby food with her every week 'just in case she wouldn't eat anything else'. DD was 13-18 months old during this period, we did baby led weaning i.e. no jars, no purees, we just gave her actual food from six months onwards and let her crack on with it. DM knew this was a clear decision we'd made and felt it perfectly acceptable to undermine us. Thankfully she never actually tried to feed the stuff to DD, who would no doubt have covered DM in the stuff while eating absolutely none of it.

I only found out because they sent me a photo during the working day of DD sitting at the table eating lunch. The jar of (unopened) baby food was right there on the table.

If DD ever has a child of her own, I pray I can control myself and keep my mouth shut whatever parenting decisions she makes. And respect those decisions. (Although to be fair if she insists I have to leave a DGC alone in a cot to scream him/herself to sleep, I will have a very hard time complying! Can only hope that the gentle parenting which which she's been raised will stick and she wouldn't dream of using those sort of techniques.)

MatildaTheCat · 17/09/2021 13:32

Presumably you’ll still need her to help if your DS is unwell and can’t attend nursery? I think you’ll need to accept that she will do things that annoy you going forward whether it’s feeding him the wrong foods, changing his nap times or allowing too much TV.

Of course YANBU to feel upset by her hacking off his hair but do consider whether you are willing to discontinue using her help at all. I find the term ‘watching’ a baby quite misleading (I understand it’s a regional thing) as it implies that caring for a one year old is an easy task that could perhaps be done at the same time as anything else. It’s actually a massive favour and very hard work.

Just say you think he’ll be going to nursery but be careful about getting too angry if you do indeed need her help in the future.

Lunificent · 17/09/2021 13:36

@Bluntness100

It will grow back, she’s apologised and said she won’t do it again, I don’t think you need to keep punishing both of you. It’s a hair cut, she didn’t dye it blonde and pierce his nose.

It’s not just about the cut. It was the wilfulness, the deliberate crossing of boundaries. Of course the cut itself isn’t the end of the world in the scheme of things but the decision to do it says a lot about the person.

diddl · 17/09/2021 13:36

I can't imagine why you even agreed to it Op given your relationship with her.

I'm guessing your husband thinks it's worth it for the reduced childcare costs & for her to step in if necessary?

Lunificent · 17/09/2021 13:38

@NuffSaidSam

I'd struggle to get too het up about this if everything else was good.

I suppose if your relationship is already problematic then I can see why you've reacted so strongly.

It was really rude of the OP’s mother, regardless of OP’s reaction to it or previous relationship with her.

Notaroadrunner · 17/09/2021 13:42

@EnglishGirlApproximately

Totally agree with the PP, you can't expect to use her for childcare if you have a difficult relationship. There will always be conflict if you do. I get the financial side of it I really do (DS is 9 and we've paid for every second of childcare as we have no help), but adding childcare into an already difficult relationship isn't going to end well.

I agree. This is not so much about the haircut as that will grow. This is about inflicting your controlling mother's influence on your innocent child. Suck up the extra cost of nursery and don't have your mother mind your child.

BlackShadowCat · 17/09/2021 13:44

It will be one thing after another. I think you realise yourself that the arrangement wasn't really going to work. It's a shame, but you are better sticking to nursery.

Lunificent · 17/09/2021 13:44

@DeepaBeesKit

If you dont like how she does things dont use her for childcare

The hair is just one outcome. It’s about the overstepping of boundaries.

LyndzB · 17/09/2021 13:48

My mum cuts my son's hair all the time. But I'm fine with it (she's much better than me and cheaper than a hairdresser so win/win) but I f I ever told her to stop then she would respect my wishes. If your mum has a history of controlling behaviour then this would bother me. Question is, will she do something like this again? How does she treat your son generally?

NuffSaidSam · 17/09/2021 13:48

'It was really rude of the OP’s mother, regardless of OP’s reaction to it or previous relationship with her.'

I agree she shouldn't have done it.

I disagree that the background of their relationship isn't relevant. Of course it is. If the OP had a previously wonderful relationship with her mother and thought she was great, her making one mistake and cutting the fringe would have been a completely different scenario.

The mother's controlling nature and the previous bad relationship is the key factor here, not the haircut.

EmeraldShamrock · 17/09/2021 13:49

She could have asked or put a hair clip in it.
I personally don't like seeing babies with a long fridge in their eyes.
If you want it longer, clip it from his eyes.

5zeds · 17/09/2021 13:50

I wouldn’t let her anywhere near my child unsupervised.

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