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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have punished ds?

46 replies

Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 16/09/2021 22:35

Ds has been in trouble at school for which I received a phonecall home. As a punishment I told him he would be missing his football match this weekend and I told his coach who agreed with my decision.

I told my df who takes him this and he has called me a bully and all the names under the sun and said I am jeopardising his place on the team.

Was I unreasonable? I have no relationship with my dad as he was an abusive arsehole when I was growing up for background info

OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 16/09/2021 22:36

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Yesmate · 16/09/2021 22:37

He still sounds like an abusive arsehole.

Dinosaursdontgrowontrees · 16/09/2021 22:38

Depends what he did and how old he is really.
Is df your dad?

Cocomarine · 16/09/2021 22:39

Is DF fiancé or father?
If father, I don’t want understand him being involved when you have no relationship.
If fiancé, I don’t understand why you’re mentioning your father.
All a bit odd.

Totally depends on what your son did. If at all possible it’s more meaningful for punishments to fit the crime - and something that impacts team mates and a team place would possibly be unfair to others (the former) or disproportionate (the latter).

My gut feel is that there would be better punishments.

Comedycook · 16/09/2021 22:40

My ds plays football...I wouldn't restrict it or stop him playing as a punishment for several reasons. Sport improves his behaviour and playing in a team is a commitment and responsibility and he needs to learn not to let people down. Having said that, now you've said it, you can't go back on it.

ShuddaBeenMe · 16/09/2021 22:41

Trouble is the whole team gets let down. I think I that's a shitty punishment.

nimbuscloud · 16/09/2021 22:41

Who is df ?

Audreyhelp · 16/09/2021 22:41

Don’t agree with you banning the football

Shamoo · 16/09/2021 22:41

Is DF your dad? If so, why does he take your son to football if you have no relationship with him?

In any event, if it is your dad then how you discipline your son is none of his business.

I wouldn’t use sport as a punishment personally, as it’s a healthy activity (physically and mentally) but that’s your call.

Wolfiefan · 16/09/2021 22:42

Never mind the punishment. Why are you allowing the abusive arsehole to take your child anywhere??

CyclingIsNotOuting · 16/09/2021 22:43

Depends if he was punished at school. If he was then I wouldn’t punish again at home for the same crime! Not unless it was something very serious.

Cocomarine · 16/09/2021 22:44

@Comedycook

My ds plays football...I wouldn't restrict it or stop him playing as a punishment for several reasons. Sport improves his behaviour and playing in a team is a commitment and responsibility and he needs to learn not to let people down. Having said that, now you've said it, you can't go back on it.
Totally agree with all but your last line! I think a parent can go back on a punishment - as long as they substitute another and explain why!
Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 16/09/2021 22:47

Apologies yes df is my dad I'm not very good at the abbreviations.

Ds has a relationship with him and he is not abusive towards him. Ds is 14

He has been repeatedly in trouble at school and nothing I do works. He cares about football though so it's my attempt at regaining some form of acceptable behaviour back.

I agree that sports are important but I would argue that school also is. And it's only one match I've stopped him playing

OP posts:
Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 16/09/2021 22:48

For clarity there are more than enough players on the team to cover him

OP posts:
Eatenpig · 16/09/2021 22:49

Age? As someone who runs and coaches kids teams, whilst we understand these things, it is a pain for us. Other kids have to play a player short. It messes up team plans etc The other kids suffer. And yes often kids need sports as a release. So it doesn't work

nimbuscloud · 16/09/2021 22:49

Your father is abusive to you
Did your son witness him calling you names ?

CandyLeBonBon · 16/09/2021 22:51

If he cares about football, then it's no different to a professional player getting a red card and having to miss the next match, really is it?

Seems reasonable if nothing else works and it's a consequence he can understand.

Embracelife · 16/09/2021 22:51

It s for school to set consequences at school.
Removing sport where he has to follow rules of the game won't achieve anything

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 16/09/2021 22:51

@nimbuscloud thankfully not it was via text message

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PileOfBooks · 16/09/2021 22:52

This isn't the first "punishment by missing a football match" thread.
And no it is still unreasonable. Both your father and you to your son.

jelly79 · 16/09/2021 22:53

If you think the punishment is appropriate for the behaviour then that's all you need OP, you are the parent. Don't let your df make you second guess yourself

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 16/09/2021 22:56

Funny how I'm the one lying in bed crying isn't it

OP posts:
FAQs · 16/09/2021 22:56

@Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz

Apologies yes df is my dad I'm not very good at the abbreviations.

Ds has a relationship with him and he is not abusive towards him. Ds is 14

He has been repeatedly in trouble at school and nothing I do works. He cares about football though so it's my attempt at regaining some form of acceptable behaviour back.

I agree that sports are important but I would argue that school also is. And it's only one match I've stopped him playing

Reading your update, I feel you’ve done the right thing and your father overreacted and needs to apologise.
Sleepyhungryfattyanddoc · 16/09/2021 23:02

Not sure why pp are saying it matters what he did
You made a decision as his parent (as an aside it was bad enough school called and his coach agreed with your decision)
Df (who has form for being abusive) has called you many names
That isn’t ok

Even if you bad made a ‘bad’ decision it isn’t dfs place to say, and certainly not his place (or anyone’s) to call you a name or many names about it.

Original poster
Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 16/09/2021 23:05

I was subjected to a lot of emotional abuse from him growing up and I suppose this is just another episode of it. I'm 40 now though I'm pretty sure I'm not still meant to feel frightened of him. Probably never goes away

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