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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have punished ds?

46 replies

Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 16/09/2021 22:35

Ds has been in trouble at school for which I received a phonecall home. As a punishment I told him he would be missing his football match this weekend and I told his coach who agreed with my decision.

I told my df who takes him this and he has called me a bully and all the names under the sun and said I am jeopardising his place on the team.

Was I unreasonable? I have no relationship with my dad as he was an abusive arsehole when I was growing up for background info

OP posts:

PileOfBooks · 16/09/2021 23:06

I think punishing him again for something outside of school just sets yourself against your child rather than working with him to help him with his struggles. You could just keep escalating these punishments and yet where do you stop? Punishments like this don't teach people to "do better" but rather drive a rift between you and reaffirm his selfbelief that he is failing.

I absolutely wouldn't stop something that is giving him phsyical exercise and increasing his self esteem. Also the importance of teamwork and "turning up" to things like this.

I would work with school personally. I don't agree with punishing again at home. And see if there are ways you can recconect with your son.

If you are into books there is one called "The Explosive Child" by Ross Greene which may help you to reframe your thinking here.

Also I would seek to what is driving his behaviour at school - and see what can be done aroudn that. You haven't said what happened here.

LadyOfTheFlowers · 16/09/2021 23:07

With my boys, I wouldn't consider stopping the match because as others have said, it potentially lets others down (in our case, volunteers) and is an important activity in regards their health etc.

I would confiscate tech as that would really hit them where it hurts.

OneMoreStitch · 16/09/2021 23:08

OP has said that there are enough other players to cover for one missing person. (Make sense. How else would they play when someone was injured, ill, or otherwise unable to play?)

Punishments should match the "crime" in severity and they need to sting to be effective. There's no point in a punishment if it doesn't hurt a bit. If you feel it was a fair punishment and the coach didn't argue with you, I daresay you weren't unreasonable. I wouldn't second-guess myself just because your father disagreed, given his history. He could have made his case without being abusive.

PileOfBooks · 16/09/2021 23:09

As for emotional abuse - that is a different tangle and I do understand. It has taken me a lot of counselling to but some distance between me and my father. I am much better now at distancing myself from his (false) beliefs. For myself I have decided in my case to lower contact with him.

Would some counselling help to get it straight in your head? Certainly the way we were parented can "skew" our perception of what is acceptable with our own children.

Thatsplentyjack · 16/09/2021 23:11

YANBU op. If football being cancelled is the only thing that will make him buck up, then football gets cancelled. If my dad called me every name under the sun he would be swiftly told where to go and banned from seeing any of my family.

heyimadeit · 16/09/2021 23:13

Op you’re not a bully.

I agree with your decision to ban him from one match. The coach also agrees.

You don’t get to do the things you enjoy if you repeatedly misbehave. It’s the same in my house and it was the same in my parents’ house when I was growing up. I worked hard bad behaved myself.

Original poster

Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 16/09/2021 23:14

I find it incredibly difficult as a single parent I don't have the support of his dad to back me up.

This is literally me at the end of my tether and not knowing how else to get through to him. It has been a constant stream of phonecalls home over the past year obviously when not in lockdown. It has worn me down and I've been in tears on a number of occasions

OP posts:

KalvinPhillipsManBun · 16/09/2021 23:17

Why are you letting your abusive areshole dad take your son out if he treat you badly?

Ionlydomassiveones · 16/09/2021 23:20

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Original poster

Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 16/09/2021 23:20

Because they do have a good relationship. Probably because he's a boy and I was a girl

OP posts:

ittakes2 · 16/09/2021 23:22

The parenting courses I go on say the punishment should fit the crime / take something away of value - but also give them a chance to fix their mistake and get what was taken away back.
But sorry I disagree with the football match - you are affecting the whole team not just your son and it can sometimes affect his position so long term effects.

Branleuse · 16/09/2021 23:22

Unreasonable to use his football as punishment. I think thats too harsh. Schools pretty much call home if the kid farts wrong these days. Hes probably already being punished for it in school

Wolfiefan · 16/09/2021 23:24

If you don’t have a relationship with the man I can’t see how you can possibly know the relationship with your son is healthy.

PileOfBooks · 16/09/2021 23:26

How old is he and what support do you have?
Can you ask via school for help with a parenting course -they should have access to these and they are positive and supportive groups.
Also is there pastoral help at school or someone you can talk to to come up with a plan to help deal with whatever is going on?

Separate to this - what would help your relationship with your son? And rebuild a closeness. Sometimes when their behaviour is difficult it becomes all we focus on which just keeps the cycle going round. Can you "praise the good" and find some common ground where you can both have fun and enjoy life together (or at least watch a shared film/etc) Has he got any interests you can share?

FAQs · 16/09/2021 23:30

He is 14, he has been badly behaved in school for a year, the coach agrees, something has to give. He is letting the team down, not the OP. Maybe that’ll be the kick up the bum he needs.

Original poster

Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 16/09/2021 23:33

I have a good relationship with my ds. He can't tell me why he does some of the
Things he does. He is mainly trying to entertain other peers. That's the thing it's nothing particularly bad it's just constant. And I worry if we don't nip it in the bud now it's his gcse year and he will regret this in later life.

OP posts:

Original poster

Fuzzyduckduckyfuzz · 16/09/2021 23:37

I did say to the coach if it was a problem or if it leaves them short of players I would
Rethink the punishment but he said it was no problem

OP posts:

GeorgiaGirl52 · 16/09/2021 23:40

For a 14-year old it was a good decision. He is old enough to make the connection between misbehavior at school and missing football.
The fact his coach agreed with you says a lot.
Don't let your df change your mind or make you question your parenting ability. Life is not all about football and games. Life is about responsibility.

Giantwaterbottle · 16/09/2021 23:44

I think you did the right thing but I cannot understand why you would allow and an abusive person access to your son. It's just showing him that you don't matter.

Arieliwish · 16/09/2021 23:45

Have you thought that your father’s influence on your son might be causing this? As in the bad behaviour.
Your father clearly has no issues calling his daughter a lot of nasty names. I can’t imagine my son wanting to hang out with someone who did this to me.

MrsMiddleMother · 17/09/2021 00:09

I think your punishment is appropriate and your dad is still an arsehole.

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