AIBU to not want to go to new parents' drinks?

[minesa99]

So my dear child has recently started secondary school (local independent school; high academic standards but not major public school) and we have been invited to a new year seven parents' evening next week.

I dont think I can be bothered to make small talk and listen to the head teacher talk - am I being a bad parent?

We have already attended a new starters' church service after which there was a small reception and I spoke to the relevant staff - this new event just seems a bit excessive.

On a practical level it will involve arranging babysitters etc but I think I object slightly to having to all be part of a community and to all be part of a school team- cant we just interact with the school on a parent/ teacher level. I thought at secondary school we didnt really have to care about all that? They do their job of educating our children, we do our job of ensuring that they have the right uniform and get there on time?

I'm pretty sure I know the school you're talking about from the events and timings.

TBH I'd go. I have a Y10 child and we've had some issues where it has been very very helpful that I've met some of her friends' parents even on a small talk / low level Whatsapp basis. It can all just help to make the passage through secondary school easier.

The point of the event is more for you to get to know other parents. This might be nice, but also it might help oil the wheels of your DCs social life. At 11 they still need some parents involvement.

You don’t have to do it, but it’s a nice thing not a burden.

I think YABU and it shows a lack of interest in your children’s lives. You don’t want them to think you don’t care, which this is certainly giving off that impression.

I like these things - I like meeting different people and seeing what my children will be up to. But it you don't like it, don't go.

I'd feel completely the same as you, some of the private school extra faff is annoying. But I'd probably go to just one to eyeball the parents of their potential new friends so I'd feel happy about them going round their houses etc.
I'd pull it out the bag & be insanely charming so that I've got some social capital in the bank. Imagine 2 months time when you've got Covid and you want someone to take Lorenzo to football practice. Much easier to text someone you've already met.

it's worth networking for the reasons given above: emergency lifts back from matches/concerts, etc.

I have also made some good friends among secondary school parents and still see them years after my children left school.

Thank you for all your responses.

I can assure its not a boast - its just a dilemma I feel about how much I / we want to get involved with the school. How much of it we want to be our lives. As working parents I always felt that we missed out slightly all through primary by not chatting to other parents at the school gate at pick up time.

As I said this is a social event which the school is using to bring together parents over a few glasses of wine. Its main stated purpose is for the tutors to get to know the parents of children in their tutor group.

This is also I suppose an effort to bring parents together as the school takes children from quite a wide area and so we all havent been at the same primaries/ preps.

I dont really care about other parents generally, I will I imagine get to know the parents of my child's friends a bit but there is no reason why I would be best buddies with people just because our children attend the same school. My social life doesnt revolve around my
children's school! or should it?

@minesa99 - I have 2 children in secondary school and I think it would be a good idea to attend this event. The tutor will be your primary point of contact for any issues you or your child might have whilst at the school - I think it’s worth giving it a bit of your time.

We went to our yr 7 wine and canapés evening last night. Was really useful to meet other parents in form, chat to her form tutor and ask questions mainly around the topic of PE kit, PE bags and lacrosse sticks! We are new to the school/independent sector so all helpful in understanding the workings of the school!

Ah you see for lots of people their social life does revolve around their children's school.

Oh and I write as a working parent - most were at independent school as you needed to be to pay the fees!

YANBU to not want to go. But I'm afraid this is what you get with the kind of school you've chosen!

I always go to these things, I think it’s important to be part of your community and school is a big part of that. A significant proportion aren’t interested in being involved, and that’s fine, but I think you need some engaged parents otherwise it’s just very transactional.

@idontlikealdi

Isn't the joy of moving on to secondary that you don't have to do this shit anymore?!

If it's going to be informative I would make the effort. If its a social, nope!

There's a difference between the expectations/events at state schools & indies.

I prefer the state parents socialising - zip

BUT, actually it is good to get to know the parents of teens school friends
& with school organised events it's easy &, by comparison, painless. So much easier/less time consuming/stressful than dinner invites etc.

💁🏻‍♀️

@MrsSkylerWhite

ockdownmadnessdotcom

Is a parents evening a social event? Usually you just sit in the hall, listen to the headteacher and others speak and go home?“

Parents’ Evening at our school was specifically one to ones with subject teachers to discuss child’s progress.

Other gatherings were socials with nasty wine and curly sandwiches. Didn’t go again after the first.

Depends on the school 🤣

One of them was worth endless amounts of boring chit chat just for the catering alone! The chef was wasted on middle school girls, but came into his own at Events.

You don't both have to go, so you may not necessarily need a baby sitter.

If you've already met the relevant teachers, I probably wouldn't bother either. I'm horrendously shy and have to make a real effort to attend these, and usually it works out fine, and I meet some lovely parents! If you don't want to chit chat, arrive late!

Although your child might deny it, you are showing you value their school & the importance of them in your life by going. It’s the same as when you ask your child to go to a friend of yours for lunch - they go because it matters to you. Most parents work as it costs a lot to send your child to private school. Go and meet the other parents, you don’t know when this little connection will help.

As I said this is a social event which the school is using to bring together parents over a few glasses of wine. Its main stated purpose is for the tutors to get to know the parents of children in their tutor group.

DS's school had an event very like this.. It isn't an independent school, but it does have aspirations. I am glad I went because although the wine was awful and the tutor ended up not being there because he was ill, it was good to chat with a few other parents - then I could think in my head "oh Freddie, he's the one whose dad was talking about rugby" or "Oh Louis, he's the one who gets the bus with Alfie". I mean, it doesn't really matter in the grand scheme of things but I liked it. Also it helped to attach people's names to faces when I had questions on the app we use for class communication, like are they wearing their PE kits or taking them in, etc.

On the other hand the school is about 5 minutes from our house and we didn't need to arrange babysitters because DH stayed at home. if it had been a hassle maybe I wouldn't have gone.

Depends how interested you are in your child's wider experience and life at school.

If you've no interest in that aspect of their life then don't go.

I haven't bothered with anything like this. It is absolutely my idea of hell. I go to all parents' evenings, plays and concerts that involve my child but no drinks or other social occasions.

Personally I think it's important, albeit not top of my list of things I love to do

Please go. Wear your manky gardening clothes (or borrow your gardeners') and take a stash of special brew and hand them out. Report back ASAP.

Is this whole thread so you can tell us about your child’s independent school’s high academic standards? 😂

Look, I don't love them either - but if your DCs school is anything mine, there will be a bunch of co-curricular stuff that starts early, finishes late, happens on a Saturday, and it might be helpful to be on friendly terms with other mums so you can share lifts and the load generally.

I find it's also worth eyeballing the other parents early on and taking note of the ones that look suitably grounded and the ones that make it clear that they're absolute nightmares, so you can gently encourage/discourage friendships accordingly.

(Which is the only part where the 'independent, high academic standards' bit of your OP becomes relevant because you might find there's a higher than average proportion of parents in the latter category.)

Being part of a community around your child's school is not a bad thing, but if it really irks you, don't