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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say I am sorry and that's all I can do?

77 replies

LemonSherbetFancies · 16/09/2021 10:15

DP and I never argue which is why I am upset.
He is off work for 2 weeks and offered to take grandchild and godchild to swimming class. Daughter who normally does it has changed work shifts.
One of them is at one school,one at another. DP can not drive at the moment due to RA so I assumed the journey was collecting one child and then getting on a bus to collect the other. I didn't know the bus didn't go down a certain long road.

So today I told him to make sure he picked up the youngest child from after school club no earlier than 4PM as I wanted to make sure I paid for the whole session. He said that was not possible as he wouldn't get to the swimming class in time with the kids. I said it seemed incredible that it would take so long just to go from one school to the next, jump on a bus and then go to swimming. He then got snappy and said there was a long walk So he is having to do that and the bus trips with RA. He snapped that he had to do the long walk to collect one child, get a bus at the end, collect the other child, get another bus and then do the long walk again. I was surprised and said I didn't realise he was also having to do all the walking but he still seems pissed off.
Aibu to say all I can do is say sorry ?

OP posts:
seaandsandcastles · 16/09/2021 13:04

YABVU. Sorry isn’t a magic word that just makes everything better.

It’s not as if he’s suddenly not annoyed just because you’ve said it 🙄

burritofan · 16/09/2021 13:08

Non-issue surely? You’ve been annoying – micromanaging and penny-pinching (the school club money is spent whether she leaves at 4pm or earlier) – he’s annoyed. You’ve apologised, he hasn’t accepted. The end. It’ll blow over.

Plumtree391 · 16/09/2021 13:22

@Howshouldibehave

So today I told him to make sure he picked up the youngest child from after school club no earlier than 4PM as I wanted to make sure I paid for the whole session

This seems to be the crux of the problem.

Yes though now the op denies it. It really did look penny pinching, op.

However you have since said you didn't realise the amount of hassle that would be involved and are sorry. I hope you have shown how sorry you are.

I don't think you needed Mumsnet to convince you, frankly, especially as you are currently at work. Never mind, it's over now.

MrsRobbieHart · 16/09/2021 13:41

Sounds like a real pain in the arse journey for him. Does he really need to be taking them swimming?

TheWoleb · 16/09/2021 13:53

Why did you get involved?
My kids are in after school care. If I want to do something after school on those days, I pick them up whenever I want. I really dont care about the few pounds of childcare I dont use.

This was nothing to do with you at all. You didnt need to, nor did you have the right to, tell him what to do when you're not involved in it at all.

drumandthebass · 16/09/2021 14:14

Taxi?

Mantlemoose · 16/09/2021 14:18

I didnt demand he go earlier to pick up the child from the club. I just said that this was the time she finished
No you demanded he pick up no earlier than 4pm to make sure you got your money's worth. You were most likely unintentionally interfering. He is a grown adult you treated like a child. Do you do this often? That might explain his reaction.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/09/2021 14:32

Seems like a general lack of communication, really.
He possibly could have mentioned that it was going to take a while because of the walk (speaking of which, should he be doing long walks if he's having a flare up of his RA?) - he hadn't told you that, so you weren't to know!
Once he did tell you, if you didn't insist that he follow your instructions to the letter of what you'd said, then HIBU to still be annoyed. You can't know what you don't know until you find out you didn't know it!

Of course if you expected him to still do what you'd said, then that would have been completely unreasonable of you.

If neither of you can drive, could you afford a taxi? I realise this is almost redundant, as the time is nearly upon you - but a taxi might have expedited the whole process.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 16/09/2021 14:32

NB - I know you can drive, you just can't do this drive because you are working, sorry, cut that a bit short.

godmum56 · 16/09/2021 14:35

your post title sounds very dismissive.

namechange30455 · 16/09/2021 14:40

"So today I told him to make sure he picked up the youngest child from after school club no earlier than 4PM as I wanted to make sure I paid for the whole session. He said that was not possible as he wouldn't get to the swimming class in time with the kids. I said it seemed incredible that it would take so long just to go from one school to the next, jump on a bus and then go to swimming."

So you told him what to do, then got arsey and didn't believe him ("I said it seemed incredible that..." when he explained why the plan that you tried to force on him wouldn't work? No wonder he then got a bit snappy with you ffs.

EmmalineC · 16/09/2021 14:47

You are obviously someone who rarely uses public transport, with your talk of jumping on buses. A lot of travel time is spent waiting at a bus stop, watching the bus speed past you because it's full, or getting on a bus only to find it's not going all the way to your destination after all, only half way etc etc etc

You sound very bossy. No wonder he's pissed off with you.

BlackberryMuncher · 16/09/2021 14:47

@MossRock

It’s a miscommunication.. assumptions form you OP and he didn’t at any point mention how difficult the journey was with no bus etc so it’s just two people not communicating and sharing info.

He probably annoyed about the RA too as it’s shit to be so limited and not be able to just do stuff, and maybe makes him feel a bit useless. He probably didn’t want to spell it out to anyone. My DP is like this sometimes. Understandable but it does cause misunderstandings.

Maybe you over-manage and he under-communicates?

I think have a hug and be compassionate to each other. Maybe get a taxi for him if possible.

He didn't need to 'communicate' (ie explain himself) HE is the one collecting the kids & taking them to swimming, he doesn't need a schedule approval FFS
onelittlefrog · 16/09/2021 15:27

@LemonSherbetFancies

Because he still seems annoyed so really, short of saying sorry what more can I do?
I'm not quite sure exactly what you're asking but apologies don't automatically "make everything better"

If you break a plate and say sorry the plate is still broken.

If he's pissed off because you've done something wrong then it's great you said sorry, but that doesn't mean everything is suddenly OK. You still have to give the person time to feel better again.

LukeEvansWife · 16/09/2021 18:39

I think we do children a disservice by not teaching them that whilst apologies are vital, the wronged party has no obligation to forgive immediately (if at all)

IllegibleSquiggles · 16/09/2021 18:43

But I still don’t see why you’re apologising. He offered to do it. It’s not your fault if you didn’t know what it involved. His task, he figures it out.

LukeEvansWife · 16/09/2021 19:04

She’s apologising because she tried to micro manage an adult and knew less than him

LIZS · 16/09/2021 19:07

Who normally does the after school swim run ? If you also use public transport presumably you are aware of the logistics.

OverweightPidgeon · 16/09/2021 19:11

I wonder if he’s still pissed off because this is not the first time that you’ve interfered and he’s fed up with it.

Therealjudgejudy · 16/09/2021 19:23

This sounds like a total non issue to me. Just let him get on with things

RunningStrong · 16/09/2021 19:30

He's annoyed/upset because his frailty is making life more difficult than it should be and limiting what he can do.

He's upset with you for not realising how hard it was for him, he's upset with himself for not being well enough to do it differently and he's upset at the hand he's been dealt.

It's not about apologising, it's about attempting to understand how he's feeling.

FreedomAintWorthNothing · 17/09/2021 14:18

What is RA?

VeryLongBeeeeep · 17/09/2021 14:33

@FreedomAintWorthNothing

What is RA?
Rheumatoid arthritis.
ddl1 · 17/09/2021 15:45

I empathize so much with both you AND your dh that I can't really vote! I am extremely anxious and fearful about unwittingly annoying and displeasing others by making some unintended misstep, and especially asking for help with something where there are complications about which I am unaware, so I sympathize with you. I also have certain invisible disabilities and health problems which can make me unable to do things that seem simple to someone else, and do get very anxious, and no doubt sometimes appear defensive and snappish about that, so I sympathize with your dh.

If it's a one-off, it will probably resolve itself. If your dh has RA he may sometimes be irritable because of the pain (as pp have said) and also as a side-effect of medication, especially if he sometimes takes steroids.

Steeple · 17/09/2021 16:46

@LukeEvansWife

She’s apologising because she tried to micro manage an adult and knew less than him
Or because she just wasn't aware of the bus route, so wasn't aware that her DH had a walk as well as a bus journey -- I'm sure he's irritated by his current inability to drive and that he's finding walking hard, but it's hardly the OP's fault she wasn't familiar with the bus route in question.

Presumably neither of them usually use the bus if they're both drivers, and her DH only researched it himself because of offering to take his granddaughters swimming. The OP apologised.