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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say I am sorry and that's all I can do?

77 replies

LemonSherbetFancies · 16/09/2021 10:15

DP and I never argue which is why I am upset.
He is off work for 2 weeks and offered to take grandchild and godchild to swimming class. Daughter who normally does it has changed work shifts.
One of them is at one school,one at another. DP can not drive at the moment due to RA so I assumed the journey was collecting one child and then getting on a bus to collect the other. I didn't know the bus didn't go down a certain long road.

So today I told him to make sure he picked up the youngest child from after school club no earlier than 4PM as I wanted to make sure I paid for the whole session. He said that was not possible as he wouldn't get to the swimming class in time with the kids. I said it seemed incredible that it would take so long just to go from one school to the next, jump on a bus and then go to swimming. He then got snappy and said there was a long walk So he is having to do that and the bus trips with RA. He snapped that he had to do the long walk to collect one child, get a bus at the end, collect the other child, get another bus and then do the long walk again. I was surprised and said I didn't realise he was also having to do all the walking but he still seems pissed off.
Aibu to say all I can do is say sorry ?

OP posts:

ScatteredMama82 · 16/09/2021 11:48

@LemonSherbetFancies

I didnt demand he go earlier to pick up the child from the club. I just said that this was the time she finished. I also can't drive myself as I am working which is why he is doing it. I misunderstood what he had to go to get there and did not realise that a lot of it is walking. Now I know I understand why it takes him so long.

But you did. So today I told him to make sure he picked up the youngest child from after school club no earlier than 4PM as I wanted to make sure I paid for the whole session.

You didn't say 'child's club finishes at 4'.

edwinbear · 16/09/2021 11:50

I'm a bit aghast that you wanted to ensure you didn't miss out on what, £2 worth of after school club?

JustLyra · 16/09/2021 11:57

@LemonSherbetFancies

Well you did, you stated that you told him not to collect before 4pm so you got your monies worth.

Does he work? The comment about you getting your monies worth suggests you pay for it yourself rather than it being a shared cost. So that could have come across badly.

You can do more than “only say sorry” - you could actually sound like you remotely are sorry…

Somethingsnappy · 16/09/2021 12:01

@LemonSherbetFancies

So just explain that then. Job done. No drama necessary.

Kuachui · 16/09/2021 12:04

It was wierd to interfere as surely he was going to pick up in time to get to swimming.. No earlier and no later, he obviously had his timings set up.

You said sorry now leave it and let him forget it in his own time. I would be annoyed too but you can't just say sorry and expect people to just forget

Kuachui · 16/09/2021 12:05

Also yeah your previous post is confusing. One point your telling him to not collect before 4 so you get your moneys worth but now it's suddenly just that it finishes at 4??

Tal45 · 16/09/2021 12:07

Say sorry you didn't realise it involved so much walking and is everything alright as he seems a bit stressed. No big deal, sounds like a normal conversation between you, he's probably just a bit stressed about getting everywhere on time and you caught him at a bad moment.

thewhatsit · 16/09/2021 12:09

I’m so confused about what the issue is and why you need to say sorry and why he’s annoyed.
He wants to take his grandchild and god child swimming which sounds a bit of a pain logistically but he wants to do it so he’ll do it…?

Goldbar · 16/09/2021 12:12

Isn't after-school club just 'warehousing' kids anyway until their parents can pick them up after work? So you're paying to have the option of childcare if you need it, that doesn't mean you have to use every second of it. There's clearly going to be much more value for your grandchild in a fun swimming-trip with a family member rather than after school club so surely it doesn't matter if they leave early.

Why are you paying for after school club and not the parent? I'm a bit confused .

pinkyredrose · 16/09/2021 12:13

Why the hell would it matter if the kid missed a few minutes of afterschool club? Just let him get on with it.

EmeraldShamrock · 16/09/2021 12:15

Pay for a taxi as a sorry.
He is probably stressed about the journey ahead, it sounds like a nightmare task.

Mybalconyiscracking · 16/09/2021 12:21

You’ve said sorry, he is still allowed to stew for a bit. Just leave him alone, he’ll get over it.

Notaroadrunner · 16/09/2021 12:30

Maybe he's sorry he offered now that he knows it's not straightforward, and he's taking that out on you. If it's not just for today perhaps dd can sort an alternative unless your Dh is genuinely happy to continue during his holidays.

nothingcanhurtmewithmyeyesshut · 16/09/2021 12:32

Well how did you think he got there, via jet pack?

Buses don't just go door to door, you get off at the nearest stop and walk from there. I think you need to stop micromanaging him. Who cares how long he takes, he has a plan and hasn't asked for input so leave him to it.

Plumtree391 · 16/09/2021 12:34

You should have left him to do it however he chose. It sounds like a lot of running around, not much fun. So what if he picked one child up from - wherever - before end of session; it sounds mean to say you want to be sure you get the full session you paid for. This is a one off!

There's nothing you can do or say except apologise but do tell him you realise you were unreasonable and assure him you will not do that again (& mean it).

Carting kids around on buses is damned hard work, I had to do a bit of that for a while before I had a car and I hated it; much preferred staying at home or just walking to somewhere very local. In your husband's place I'd have got a taxi.

I hope the rest of his holiday is more relaxing.

Howshouldibehave · 16/09/2021 12:35

@Kuachui

Also yeah your previous post is confusing. One point your telling him to not collect before 4 so you get your moneys worth but now it's suddenly just that it finishes at 4??

This.

Can you clarify what’s going on?

What are you sorry for and why are you telling your DH what he can/can’t do on his days off work?

Howshouldibehave · 16/09/2021 12:35

So today I told him to make sure he picked up the youngest child from after school club no earlier than 4PM as I wanted to make sure I paid for the whole session

This seems to be the crux of the problem.

VeryLongBeeeeep · 16/09/2021 12:35

@Nietzschethehiker

It depends on how you said sorry. If you said any version of " I'm sorry but....." which includes saying you are sorry but then justifying why you intervened or saying again why he should do what you want then it wasn't an apology.

"I'm sorry I shouldn't have interfered you had a plan that works and I should not have got involved" that's it.

It would irritate me as well if someone thought getting their moneys worth was more important than my comfort in something like this.

I agree with this and think this is the only real meaningful apology you can make.

DDiva · 16/09/2021 12:39

You were thoughtless to say you didn't want the child picked up earlier. This sounds like a lot of work to get both children and take to swimming using public transport but hes happily doing it, just leave him to arrange the logistics dont make it harder.......

JuneOsborne · 16/09/2021 12:40

Who gives a stuff about getting their monies worth from afterschool club. Surely it's just a tool to allow you the extra time after-school to get there?

This is the bit I can't fathom. I pay a fiver for 3:20 - 4:30. I do not leave my child there till 4:30 every day because I've paid for it. I just go and collect him as soon as I can!

MossRock · 16/09/2021 12:42

It’s a miscommunication.. assumptions form you OP and he didn’t at any point mention how difficult the journey was with no bus etc so it’s just two people not communicating and sharing info.

He probably annoyed about the RA too as it’s shit to be so limited and not be able to just do stuff, and maybe makes him feel a bit useless. He probably didn’t want to spell it out to anyone. My DP is like this sometimes. Understandable but it does cause misunderstandings.

Maybe you over-manage and he under-communicates?

I think have a hug and be compassionate to each other. Maybe get a taxi for him if possible.

Hardbackwriter · 16/09/2021 12:44

@JuneOsborne

Who gives a stuff about getting their monies worth from afterschool club. Surely it's just a tool to allow you the extra time after-school to get there?

This is the bit I can't fathom. I pay a fiver for 3:20 - 4:30. I do not leave my child there till 4:30 every day because I've paid for it. I just go and collect him as soon as I can!

I don't get this either, but lots of people think this way. I know people who wait until the dot of 6 to collect from nursery because otherwise they're 'throwing away money'; I collect when I can and enjoy the more relaxed evening and extra time with him if it's early 🤷🏻‍♀️ I think it's quite an unpleasant attitude because it seems to be born of a belief that the people caring for your child and you are in some sort of competition where you mustn't let them 'get one over on you'.

LukeEvansWife · 16/09/2021 12:45

Do you normally infantilise him like that? Either way, he is allowed to still be annoyed at you even though you have apologised.

BurningBright7 · 16/09/2021 12:47

I think you are feeling guilty, which is fair enough, sometimes it takes people time to see other people’s point of view and reality.
You can try to make it up to him, maybe a nice dinner or a gift to show appreciation.

Thatsplentyjack · 16/09/2021 13:00

This just seems like a total non issue, but yes, I can imagine it was quite annoying for him to be told he can't puck a child up a bit early yo make his life easier just because you don't want to lose a couple of pounds. Pretty stingey really. Out of interest, why are you paying for the after school club?

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