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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it normal?

26 replies

AskingAQuestion11 · 16/09/2021 08:54

Is it normal for a step mother to stop doing pretty much everything they used to help out with for the step child once their own DC is born?

I.e. used to help take to school but now DC is in before school/after school club or parents have to ask other people to help the days they can't.

Used to take them to do things at the weekends, now never does.

Used to be happy to help out if parents were stuck for childcare the odd time but now is often too busy.

Just generally seemed to make more of an effort beforehand.

YANBU - it shouldn't change.

YABU - it's normal.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 16/09/2021 08:56

It’s pretty normal for life to change after having a baby, isn’t it?

CanofCant · 16/09/2021 08:56

YABU.

LateDecemberBackInLowB12 · 16/09/2021 08:57

Its pretty normal for things to change once a new baby is added to the mix.

ChurchWCat · 16/09/2021 08:58

YABU.

Seeline · 16/09/2021 08:58

I think it is pretty normal for things to change for any older child when a new baby arrives, step-sibling or not.

How new is the new baby?

moynomore · 16/09/2021 08:58

May be normal but not very nice. The step kids will know what's going on. Step mum's prerogative of course and she shouldn't have been doing more than the father in the first place, but don't expect the relationship to stay the same with the kids.

BobsBurgersisthebest · 16/09/2021 08:59

I am not a step mother but a friend is. She carried on as normal with school runs etc but there were days that she resented doing it because she was tired & wanted to stay in.

I think its different when you've become a Mother to your own child, your focus is on them.

Wole · 16/09/2021 08:59

Yes, they don't have the spare time now. I mean ideally they wouldn't have done all the pick ups and helping out before the baby was there so it's not such a big change for the DSC. As long as they aren't being hostile to the DSC then I don't see what the issue is.

Strangevipers · 16/09/2021 08:59

Just wondering if you take out the new baby ?

Your children have you , the step mother and the father

The new baby has the mother and dad.

It's normal for things to change

Original poster
AskingAQuestion11 · 16/09/2021 09:12

@Seeline

I think it is pretty normal for things to change for any older child when a new baby arrives, step-sibling or not.

How new is the new baby?

About a year old.
OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 16/09/2021 09:14

Who are you in this situation?

PlanDeRaccordement · 16/09/2021 09:17

Yes it is normal to not be able to help as much as when the step mother was childless. In fact I think it’s a bit entitled of you to expect another woman with a baby to be helping you with your child? As it is now, you both have 1 DC and so should be you also helping her out from time to time, not just her helping you out.

Dillydollydingdong · 16/09/2021 09:18

The stepmother now has twice as much call on her time as she did previously. Obviously she won't be able to do as much. Even if they were both her own bio children. I think parents tend to rely on grandparents too much

Sally872 · 16/09/2021 09:21

If someone helped me with childcare and then had their own child I would expect them to be less available/unavailable.

Situations change. Parents have to find childcare that works for everyone.

I would expect step mum to be caring and interested in step dc when there but not responsible for pick ups now she has more on.

A new baby has come, everyone needs to step up more, not the step mum do everything she did as if nothing has changed. And that would be the same even if not step kids. Eg dad doesn't do any school runs, but after new baby has to do some as mum less available.

INeed2P · 16/09/2021 09:24

Hmmm, I think on balance YABU.

Although she is a step mother, her priority will be her own child - at 1 they're still really young, she won't have time to be doing the extra school runs / too busy to provide childcare / do lots of activities on weekends.

Step mums aren't the parents to their SC - they're like a bonus aunt (that's how I see it anyway!) and it sounds from your OP the originally the SM was acting as a bonus parent with quite a bit of responsibility. Everything changes when people have children, and priorities do shift, it might just not work for her anymore to provide that level of help.

ManifestDestinee · 16/09/2021 09:26

Step parents often drop their step kids like a hot shit once they have their own child.

girlmom21 · 16/09/2021 09:30

I think it's pretty normal but pretty harsh on the step child.

Maybe she finds it too difficult to manage the two?

Does she work?

SequinsandStiIettos · 16/09/2021 09:34

used to help take to school but now DC is in before school/after school club or parents have to ask other people to help the days they can't

It was kind of them to do the school run at all. With a baby? Hell, no. That's what before/after school club is for.

Used to take them to do things at the weekends, now never does.

Their father should be doing stuff with them. Would be nice if he took the baby for the stepmum to do the occasional 1-1 just to check back in, but the contact time is for the kid to spend time with their Dad or as a family...so if that means, all go including the one-year old or all chill, including the one-year old then fair enough.

It would only be negative if the new Mum goes to ball-play or baby swimming and the Dad sits with their own child ignoring them.

Used to be happy to help out if parents were stuck for childcare the odd time but now is often too busy

Again, the Dad needs to step up for childcare. If shift work or job means they can't and grandparents can't, then you look to friends or paid babysitter/childminder. The stepmum could possibly help out on occasion as a favour to her partner, but if it is not access time and their Dad is away then expecting her to babysit when she has a toddler and probably wants to sleep or do some self-care: not unreasonable of her to want that.

How much was she/were you doing and why??

CanofCant · 16/09/2021 09:39

A recurring theme on here seems to be women picking up the slack by caring/parenting for their partner's children only for this to be unsustainable when said woman has their own child.

EL8888 · 16/09/2021 09:40

I put YABU as there should be zero expectations of the step mum. She had no input into her step child being conceived, their 2 parents need to care for them. Plus new babies are tough and draining, family dynamics would change in most families

Original poster
AskingAQuestion11 · 16/09/2021 09:52

Thanks.

I'm the SM. This is what my DSCs Mum has said.

I don't think I make no effort at all anymore. But yes I definitely don't do nearly as much as I used to.

I used to do quite a lot. Things like taking DSC to school on mum's days because they hated breakfast club and it was on my way (sort of) to work.

Contact is and always has been very fluid, not a strict schedule and I've always tried to be accommodating in the past if H can't do a certain day that's been asked for because she wants to go and do something etc...

OP posts:
Original poster
AskingAQuestion11 · 16/09/2021 09:55

There was even something said the other week because I said no to collecting DSC from school when they were poorly (on mum's day) becausei was "home anyway" and she didn't want to leave work.

I was home because DC was poorly too and hadnt slept for about 5 days straight!

OP posts:
moynomore · 16/09/2021 09:59

You definitely shouldn't feel bad about refusing the things you mention OP. Not at all. In my earlier post I was thinking more like not taking them on nice days out with you and the baby anymore or things like that.

LemonFantaGin · 16/09/2021 10:07

So the mum is annoyed that your no longer her free childcare.

Thats the mums problem, she should be grateful for the help she has received up until you had your own child.

Your doing nothing wrong to say no when it's not convenient for you, she will have to do that mum stuff for herself.

LindaEllen · 16/09/2021 10:41

It depends the reasoning and intent behind it. Having a new baby can change everything, and the fact is that stepkids should be the main responsibility of their biological parents (I know MN hates that term, but you know what I mean).

It's different if the stepmum is for example taking her child to the same school and refusing to take the stepkids with her, but her priority of course has to be her new tiny baby.

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