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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Comment made to disabled DD

27 replies

FuckingFabulous · 15/09/2021 21:55

I need to know if I should say something to this 15 year old lad's parents and what would be best to say to my DD

DD has a neurological condition that comes with a lot of tremors but some other symptoms like slowed digestion and fatigue. She only developed it a year ago. She was having a good day today so went to the park with her brother and a couple of friends. DD is 14. The 15 year old lad is a now and then friend of my DC. Today he said to DD that her arm tremors made her look "fucked up", that her walking stick was "embarrassing" and that she looked pregnant. DD is quite slim, but her tummy was a little bloated due to the digestive issue. She was devastated by these comments and said she felt she was meant to take them as banter but they felt vicious and really hurtful. She refused dinner, covered her mirror and took herself off to bed early.

I said exactly what I thought, which was that this kid sounded like a gobby little bastard and she most certainly does not look like any of the things he said, but I know how deeply a cruel comment can cut at that age and how long it can last. Also, I think the lad is a cocky little fucker who needs education on not being so!!

OP posts:
foxgoosefinch · 15/09/2021 22:04

Oh I’m so sorry for your DD, how absolutely cruel and nasty and downright wrong. I’d not have him anywhere near her or any of your DC again.

It’s not banter, it’s bullying and he is certainly old enough at 15 to know it’s not acceptable and that no one will tolerate that kind of behaviour. His parents need to know and it can’t be overlooked.

Imagine if he did this in a workplace, it would not only be discriminatory, but clearly harassment and bullying under any dignity at work policy, and he would be given a formal disciplinary process and could be fired (definitely would be at my workplace). He needs to learn this life lesson right now - and no excuses or second chances.

HotPenguin · 15/09/2021 22:04

Oh, that's horrible. I think you need to show a united front of support for your DD, but given your DCs ages I think you need to discuss together what to do. Is this boy a friend of both DCs, do you know the family well? I would consider letting his parents know what had happened and saying he won't be welcome in your home until he apologises (if he is someone who would come to your house usually). I also think it's important that both children are in agreement as ideally your other child would also show support by ditching this friend.

Original poster
FuckingFabulous · 15/09/2021 22:12

My other child is disgusted by the comments made and so was another child with them and both said so, but several others laughed along or expressed no opinion.

I'm so sad for her. She tries so so hard to be cheerful and as normal as possible, but things like this tend to stay with her and bring her down. DH was all for marching straight round and asking the lad to repeat to him and his parents what he had said to DD, but I felt that might be a bit rash, especially considering we don't know the parents that well

OP posts:
MildCreamyCheddar · 15/09/2021 22:17

That sounds like more than just a bit of childish ignorance. That's awfully derogatory and inappropriate. I would want to talk to the parents calmly and educate them about the condition and explain how the comments affected her.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 15/09/2021 22:20

I'm with your DH - "Hi x, would you mind repeating to your parents what you said to my DD yesterday" Little Shit.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 15/09/2021 22:39

I'm with your husband as well.

Kanaloa · 15/09/2021 22:47

How disgusting. I think this is sadly one of those cases though where ‘education’ around disabilities would do nothing. Any 15/16 year old knows these are deeply unpleasant and nasty comments and is choosing to make them anyway. He’s just a horrible bully. I would encourage your daughter to avoid him in future, he’s no friend.

I would have no problem with going round and asking him to explain what had been said to his parents. I wonder what they would think of their son saying this type of thing, I’d be ashamed.

Ionlydomassiveones · 15/09/2021 22:50

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Ozanj · 15/09/2021 22:52

Take DH and go to the house. Stay calm and tell the parents really clearly what was said & how hurt your dd was & warn them that if it happens again you will have no choice but to contact the school and raise an official bullying complaint. But that you didn’t want to do it this time as you wanted to give him the chance to apologise.

If the parents are cunts then go to the school and raise hell.

Mantlemoose · 15/09/2021 22:52

Go hubby!

Antinerak · 15/09/2021 22:56

Go to the house. The boy needs to learn why comments like that are harmful and inappropriate to say to anyone, let alone a young disabled person.

Tinpotspectator · 15/09/2021 22:57

I think o would go round, actually, and I never normally say that.

SummerWhisper · 15/09/2021 22:58

You certainly have two great children there. I think hubbies should go round as long as the parents aren't a couple of knobheads and that's where the little gobshite gets it from.

Your daughter sounds amazing and I hope the hurt is short-lived. Do something lovely together tomorrow, so that the focus is not on twathead.

PaperhouseLegs · 15/09/2021 22:58

I would actually go round and speak to his parents as well. If they are decent people they will be absolutely horrified. Bullying little shitbag. I think I'd probably bring it up with school as well so they can keep an eye out for her.

lynntheyresexpeople · 15/09/2021 23:01

I would absolutely speak to the parents- they may very well be mortified at his behaviour, or they'll be the reason he said what he did. Either way, you absolutely should show you will not stand for it. Want a horrible little prick. I hope your DD is ok.
You sound like a fantastic mum Thanks

Orangejuicemarathoner · 15/09/2021 23:05

I would ask the local community police officers to go round and have a word. That is a hate crime

BlackberryMuncher · 15/09/2021 23:06

I'd have totally agreed with DH going around.

Little wanker needs to know he can't get away with being such a nasty little fuck.

There's always tomorrow evening. DH can say he thought he'd better calm down before going around there.

I wish we could counter balance his hidious remarks for DD, it's a particularly tough age to come to terms with a new disability 💐

Hungry675tf · 15/09/2021 23:10

Another vote for DH going around and having very strong words.

Flowers
TerribleCustomerCervix · 15/09/2021 23:13

I’d let him go round. But make sure that he’s asking for the parents- asking to speak to him first might get them on the defensive.

If his parents are like 95% of the population, they’ll be fucking mortified.

Your DH intervening now might make him think twice about how how his words affect other people.

Add

BlueberrySugar · 15/09/2021 23:15

Yep another vote for DH.

Little fucking gobshite. I'd be mortified and livid if any kid I knew came out with something like that.

mineofuselessinformation · 15/09/2021 23:16

Besides how you deal with this, it would be a good idea to talk through an answer that your DD would be comfortable giving. (FWIW, my DC2 has a significant disability which is noticeable and has been subject to unkind remarks.) If she is armed with something that she's able to reply with, it might give people like this pause for thought before they say something similarly ignorant again.
Thanks to you and DD.

ColorMagicBarbie · 15/09/2021 23:19

My brother would've probs given him a slap tbh. Not the 'right' solution but would've made him think twice next time.

Yaya26 · 15/09/2021 23:26

Yip. I'd not usually one for going around shouting at the neighbours but I'd let your DH at it.

Your poor daughter. I'm so sorry xx

waybill · 15/09/2021 23:30

I'd have joined your DH on the march round to his parents I think.

The lowlife's parents need to know what a little shit he is.

CrotchetyQuaver · 15/09/2021 23:37

I think your husband is spot on actually. Just hope his parents aren't as horrible as the boy is...

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