To think maybe it isn’t me this time?

[Theresalwayssomethingisntthere]

Been having a tough time - childcare has fallen through with DS with SEN so juggling work and school run is very stressful (mainly me picking up the slack) and trying to find a suitable alternative (completely me doing this) which is hard and emotionally draining going through all his needs.

I was saying how stressed I was last night and husband just didn’t respond and started talking about his car. I said again I felt sad and needed a hug and he said a very reluctant yes. He looked so unimpressed so I said don’t bother. I went and cried by myself which I’m sure he would have heard. But spent the evening doing his own thing.

I was doing some work later (because not enough time in the day). He said goodnight, which I ignored (I regret that). He repeated it and I said, I said I was sad and got not response (I wish I hadn’t been so petty)

He left for work early so I didn’t see him. I planned to apologise for being stressed and to say that I just needed some more emotional support. But when he came back from work he hasn’t spoken to me. He’s barricaded himself in the spare room and says he doesn’t want to speak to me and doesn’t know when he will.

I don’t really understand what has happened. I could have dealt with things better yesterday I know, but I’m so tired and busy and overwhelmed and I just really wanted him to hug me or say something kind.

I’m fighting feelings that its all my fault, but I think my gut is saying that maybe it isn’t me. I’m not perfect but this isn’t right is it?

It sounds as though he doesn’t even like you anymore

Well you only treated him exactly the same way he treated you, why did he think his behaviour was acceptable but yours warrants him doing this?

@LawnFever

Well you only treated him exactly the same way he treated you, why did he think his behaviour was acceptable but yours warrants him doing this?

I have no idea because he won’t talk to me.

My DD and I are coming up on two years free of a relationship like this and I've never regretted my decision to leave for a second.
He's showing you exactly what he thinks of you. Take it on board and do what's right for you and your DS

I have to be honest I never really understand the whole I’m sad hug me thing, I suspect I’m too independent. I also don’t understand why you ignored him then feel fed up as he’s doing it to you. Seems your relationship just doesn’t work any more.

This is no way to live OP.

Whether either of you has over reacted, I think going back to the original issues, its understandable. On the face of it,
You're picking up the slack of childcare
You're doing the work trying to find alternative childcare
He wont even listen you talking about it - he changed the subject
Even if he was a bit oblivious to what you needed from him, when you pointed it out and asked for a hug, he clearly didn't want to (this is the only part that might be subjective and may not be fact)
He didn't attempt to check you were ok when you were crying.
All that is just cold uncaring unsupportive behaviour.
All you did was ignore his 'goodnight'. And after that he ignored you being sad and is ignoring you indefinitely. You ignoring his one minor attempt at normal interaction has conveniently given him something to focus on rather than his own completely uninterested behaviour.

Has he checked out of your marriage /familylife in other ways? Is he like this often

You both sound incapable of communicating effectively tbh.

Why is sorting the childcare only your problem, by the way?

This is not right. He sounds awful. Very cold. What's he adding to the relationship? There is zero emotional or practical support. Then when you dare to react to that he sulks. Don't regret making your feeling clear. Regret not speaking up more to say he needs to be more support. He might be a robot but he could at least do his fair share of "picking up the slack"!!

@Bluntness100

I have to be honest I never really understand the whole I’m sad hug me thing, I suspect I’m too independent. I also don’t understand why you ignored him then feel fed up as he’s doing it to you. Seems your relationship just doesn’t work any more.

But does it matter that one person doesn’t understand it, if it’s important to the other one?

He's not at all supportive. It sounds as though he is cold and uncaring towards you, then makes it your 'fault' when you react to that. It also, sounds like he's mentally and emotionally checked out of this relationship.

@AlexaShutUp

You both sound incapable of communicating effectively tbh.

Why is sorting the childcare only your problem, by the way?

That’s fair about our communication. I’ve been working so hard on improving mine. I’m so annoyed with myself for behaving like i did yesterday. I’m exhausted and stressed and upset and that’s why, but i feel like i let myself down

@DrinkFeckArseBrick

Whether either of you has over reacted, I think going back to the original issues, its understandable. On the face of it, You're picking up the slack of childcare You're doing the work trying to find alternative childcare He wont even listen you talking about it - he changed the subject Even if he was a bit oblivious to what you needed from him, when you pointed it out and asked for a hug, he clearly didn't want to (this is the only part that might be subjective and may not be fact) He didn't attempt to check you were ok when you were crying. All that is just cold uncaring unsupportive behaviour. All you did was ignore his 'goodnight'. And after that he ignored you being sad and is ignoring you indefinitely. You ignoring his one minor attempt at normal interaction has conveniently given him something to focus on rather than his own completely uninterested behaviour.

Has he checked out of your marriage /familylife in other ways? Is he like this often

I’m not really sure why the childcare is my problem. We both work FT. It just wouldn’t get sorted if I didn’t sort it

Your post triggers a deep upset in my heart. I’ve been there. It didn’t end well.

You deserve more. Your reaction was a response to his coldness. Don’t feel guilty for that x

@damnthisvirusandmarriage

Your post triggers a deep upset in my heart. I’ve been there. It didn’t end well.

You deserve more. Your reaction was a response to his coldness. Don’t feel guilty for that x

Thank you. I really appreciate you post.

The OP did communicate with him, he was completely unsupportive and his response was disgusting. Is it any wonder she didn't want to speak to him after that? Can't understand how anyone would think the husband wasn't in the wrong tbh. His behaviour is vile

There’s a difference isn’t there between behaving badly in the heat of the moment when you’re upset and tired (which I probably did) and dragging it out the next day? Or am i just trying to convince myself?

OP, I think he’s not been nice at all. When a partner asks the other for emotional support they should get it, especially if things have been stressful. Let’s face it, I bet you probably carry most of the mental load in your relationship and with regards to your son’s needs. Clearly you were feeling under the weather and overwhelmed by it all. His job there was to support you and show some empathy instead of total apathy. What an arse.

And yes, he’s just dragging things out now.

Yes, i carry most of the mental load. I think that’s partly ehy i’m exhausted

It just wouldn’t get sorted if I didn’t sort it

Mummy doesn’t do it, it doesn’t get done. Been there. My husband once made a flippant comment about how I needed to chill out and cheer up because I’d been getting everyone down. I left the room and wrote down a list of all the things going round my head that I needed to sort out for DD. It ran to 3 pages of my note pad. He read it and asked why I hadn’t asked for his help. It took all my self control not to launch at him with the “nobody tells me it needs done” speech and to remind him that whenever I do ask he forgets or couldn’t get through on the phone or leaves things to the last minute, so we sat and split up the list, with dates of when things needed done. We also changed things so I wasn’t the first point of contact for every damned thing DD needed. It really made a difference. I can’t say it was perfect from then on, but things really, really improved. Like today, I was picking up DD to go somewhere and I had forgotten she would need to take something with her, and it wasn’t something obvious. But he had thought of it and reminded her to do it. (She forgot but that’s another story!) The fact it occurred to him showed how he actually does think of stuff now when he didn’t before.

One thing that made a difference was, I approached it as a “there’s an issue we need to sort, let’s have a look at it” If we’d had a fight about it, nothing would have changed.

Oh, and, if I say I’m struggling with stuff, his first response is “would a hug help?”

I think this is a 'love languages' thing. I had similar with DH this week. I've had to give up my job/career to look after DD1 (SEN). My registration expires next month. I know there is no solution (rural living means no childcare for SEN teenagers) and no choice. But it sucks and it is stressful and it's sad. DH thinks it should be 'fixed' but as there is no fix available, he's at a loss because he doesn't know how to fix it. But I don't want it fixed. I want him to allow me to share my sadness/frustration/resentment that he can just go to work and I'm busy plate spinning and my career has imploded because I can't work if he's working.

Your DH isn't picking up your needs and he's not even receptive when you spell it out because he wouldn't react like you have and he wouldn't want the hug, etc., so he can't see how it helps you. It doesn't fix anything. What's the point? But you need to know he cares about how you feel.

So he finally decided to speak to me. He said it was unacceptable how i ‘turn on him’ when i’m tired and stressed and that I need to treat him with dignity and respect. I said that i was just so overwhelmed and would try and be better but I need some more support and love. He said he would be more loving once I started treating him with respect. I said that we both needed to try and be better but he said just needed to listen to him and that was all he had to say. I just feel so so sad. I just feel like I’ll never me good enough. I know I’m far from perfect but I’m really trying my best.

Does he also accept that he needs to listen to you? And to treat you with respect and dignity?

He sounds very unpleasant tbh. Are you happy in the relationship generally, OP? Is he usually supportive or is this typical?