To think maybe it isn’t me this time?

[Theresalwayssomethingisntthere]

Been having a tough time - childcare has fallen through with DS with SEN so juggling work and school run is very stressful (mainly me picking up the slack) and trying to find a suitable alternative (completely me doing this) which is hard and emotionally draining going through all his needs.

I was saying how stressed I was last night and husband just didn’t respond and started talking about his car. I said again I felt sad and needed a hug and he said a very reluctant yes. He looked so unimpressed so I said don’t bother. I went and cried by myself which I’m sure he would have heard. But spent the evening doing his own thing.

I was doing some work later (because not enough time in the day). He said goodnight, which I ignored (I regret that). He repeated it and I said, I said I was sad and got not response (I wish I hadn’t been so petty)

He left for work early so I didn’t see him. I planned to apologise for being stressed and to say that I just needed some more emotional support. But when he came back from work he hasn’t spoken to me. He’s barricaded himself in the spare room and says he doesn’t want to speak to me and doesn’t know when he will.

I don’t really understand what has happened. I could have dealt with things better yesterday I know, but I’m so tired and busy and overwhelmed and I just really wanted him to hug me or say something kind.

I’m fighting feelings that its all my fault, but I think my gut is saying that maybe it isn’t me. I’m not perfect but this isn’t right is it?

@AlexaShutUp

Does he also accept that he needs to listen to you? And to treat you with respect and dignity?

He sounds very unpleasant tbh. Are you happy in the relationship generally, OP? Is he usually supportive or is this typical?

This is typical.

I said that he needs to listen to me too but he said that he won’t bicker with me and he has said all he has to say.

I feel for you OP, you can never resolve an argument with someone that wont actually listen. He has said all he has to say but why is he not listening to what you have to say? Is it treating someone with dignity and respect to leave them with your share of life admin and then change the subject when they try and explain how they are struggling with it?

Do you want to stay with him? You could always try couples counselling to try and improve your communication styles. Though it sounds like he thinks his doesn't need imoroving

We’ve done couples counselling twice.

First time didn’t really help, which at the time I thought was because he were really in the thick of DS’s new diagnosis and it was all just too much. Husband has since said though that the counsellor confirmed it was all my fault, which I don’t think was the case (surely its never all one person?)

The second time I felt I learnt some good communication tools. Mainly how to keep calm when he ignores me. I think I have improved myself. But he won’t use any of the techniques e.g. he’s supposed to tell me when he will be ready to talk to me rather than the silent treatment being indefinite.

How sad is it that I’m posting all this here?

From all you posted previously he sounds bloody horrible. But that last post about the counselling sounds emotionally abusive and like all he gained from the counselling was tools to make his abuse more effective.

After his speech on 'you must change everything about you, I will change nothing, and you're not allowed to complain if you don't like it' I would be telling him that if he wasn't willing to accept his behaviour is a problem and meet me in the middle then the relationship is not working and is over. In fact I'd be having serious thoughts about whether I wanted to even bother trying to make it work.

Because if he's behaving like that and doesn't give a shite about your feelings or want you to be happy then it isn't working is it? If that's the case then it's already over. You don't have a partner, you just have a disagreeable housemate who makes your life difficult.

I agree. Your last post is a perfect example of precisely why it is considered unsafe for joint therapy to occur when there is abuse in a relationship.

You shouldn't need to be learning techniques to tolerate being abused.

How he treats you is unacceptable.