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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

‘Adult’ children

27 replies

ylleknosnhoj · 15/09/2021 21:22

AIBU to pack up all her things and store them in the loft/garage?! DD is 24, ‘moved out’ when 17/18 to live at bfs house, came back to us when 20 as relationship broke down, we moved our eldest son (now 16) back in with youngest (now 9) & gave her back her room, decorated etc. They got back together and she basically moved back with bf, but we kept her room for her. Moved to a new house; had her own room but barely stayed here. March this year moved back in more permanently although still with bf - is now 24, has no job - bf pays all bills, but not money towards living here, basically doesn’t contribute in anyway, & they took over the house!! I lost my temper & told her she needed to contribute (cleaning, helping out etc) or move out, so she’s gone back to bfs - but expects us to ‘keep’ her bedroom (so basically storing her things for free) and I have the 16 & 9 year old sharing - who need their own rooms?! I’m already the ‘evil, wicked mother’ what do I do?!?

OP posts:
Clocktopus · 15/09/2021 21:25

Give your 16yo and 9yo their own rooms and direct her to either the pull-out sofa bed in the lounge or the inflatable guest bed in the 9yo's room when she comes to stay?

Butchyrestingface · 15/09/2021 21:25

She needs to GTF.

LadyMaid · 15/09/2021 21:26

You answered your question in the first sentence.

You are not wicked at all.
You are far more patient that I could be.

Give her 'a month's notice' to collect her things that she needs and then put the rest into storage.

JenniferAllisonPhillipaSue · 15/09/2021 21:27

One of them gets the larger bedroom and stores her stuff, the other gets the smaller room. If she comes home then she has to share the larger bedroom or sleep on a campbed in the living room ...

I'm hard.

MrsHuntGeneNotJeremyObviously · 15/09/2021 21:27

Your boys shouldn't be sharing while a 24 year old has a room sitting empty 'just in case'. The boys are important too and their needs should be considered.

Mrsjayy · 15/09/2021 21:27

She is taking the piss give the other kids the bedroom and if she comes back she can sleep on the sofa

Elouera · 15/09/2021 21:28

I'd give her the opportunity to clear her own room by X date. Make it clear that she is always welcome, but the space is needed and she needs to move her stuff. If not cleared, you'll need to do it yourself.

SaladDayz · 15/09/2021 21:28

lol, of course YANBU. Once they move out they no longer live there, you’re paying the rent or mortgage and so you get to decide on what to do with her room. It’s an enormously privileged mindset to assume your mum will keep a bedroom set up for you once you’re an adult and don’t even live there!

She’s trying it on to guilt and manipulate you, don’t give it a second thought.

cameocat · 15/09/2021 21:31

Absolutely goce the 16 and 9 yesr old their own rooms. Why should she rule the roost when they actually live there.

Original poster
ylleknosnhoj · 15/09/2021 21:32

Thank you all!!!
Mum guilt is real, & yes, I'm already being guilted and manipulated! She's not spoke to me for 3 weeks.
Doesn't help that at bfs house the 'children' rule the roost.
I just needed to hear from other people that I'm doing the right thing x

OP posts:
Mymapuddlington · 15/09/2021 21:36

She’s 24, made her decisions. Able to get her own place. Tell her to grow up and stop being selfish.

Lightfish · 15/09/2021 21:42

I was so tempted to say YABU, for moving your DS out of his room just because your DD came back. So unfair on him and you are breeding in resentment from him to you and your DD.

Read some of the threads about the Golden Child.

Notaroadrunner · 15/09/2021 21:46

Pack up her stuff and give one of the boys the room which is now spare (not hers anymore). She's made her decision to leave to live with her bf so she doesn't get a say in what goes on in your house anymore.

Original poster
ylleknosnhoj · 15/09/2021 21:47

@Lightfish

I was so tempted to say YABU, for moving your DS out of his room just because your DD came back. So unfair on him and you are breeding in resentment from him to you and your DD.

Read some of the threads about the Golden Child.

Thank you. After seeing everyone's replies, I agree with you!! My trouble is I was more worried about keeping her happy & us falling out, I didn't consider the others 😢 Big girl pants on now, she's an adult, and this is tough love.
OP posts:
3JsMa · 15/09/2021 21:47

No,you are not wicked at all.
it's pretty simple,those who live in the house permanently have a room,those who come and go,need to stay/sleep wherever available.
Move her stuff to loft or garage(not horrible at all,her stuff is still stored if she needs anything) and give your boys separate rooms.

TopBlogger · 15/09/2021 21:48

Yabu to ask such a bloody stupid question. Talk about enabling her childish behavior 🙄

Original poster
ylleknosnhoj · 15/09/2021 21:49

@TopBlogger

Yabu to ask such a bloody stupid question. Talk about enabling her childish behavior 🙄
😂😂 consider me told!! I know, but the mum guilt kicked in and I truly felt I was in the wrong! I know better now 😉
OP posts:
TomBradysLeftKneecap · 15/09/2021 21:50

I cleared out half of DDs stuff the day after she left for Uni and she's only 18 Blush I have a 24 year old and they haven't had "their" room for years. They are always welcome to stay but in the guest room. The younger siblings were not having crappier rooms for someone who doesn't even live here anymore. So you are 100% NBU!

tigertantrum · 15/09/2021 21:53

Do you always do exactly what she wants and happily sacrifice your two younger children's needs? That's very unfair and will cause resentment. She is walking all over you and the others and you are enabling her. I wonder what your 16 year old thinks. She is lazy and selfish and you are encouraging this.
I voted YABU for the above reasons.

Kite22 · 15/09/2021 22:05

When you moved house, I wouldn't have given her her own room. She lives elsewhere - why would you keep a room for her not to live in, when you have 2 other dc sharing? Confused

Leeds2 · 15/09/2021 22:27

You absolutely should give your youngest two their own rooms as they live in your house! I would also guess a 16 year old and a 9 year old keep very different hours, and have different needs (eg if 16 year old wants to use his bedroom to study), so better they have separate rooms.
Your DD is being a spoiled brat. She really can't expect "her" bedroom to be kept for her on the off chance that she might one day want to come back and live with you. If she does, there is always the sofa or a blow up mattress somewhere else in the house.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 15/09/2021 22:37

When my dd moved out at 21 her db moved into her room the same day!!

Dizzy1234 · 15/09/2021 22:44

Yep, my DD moved out, moved back in and I swapped rooms, she got the master as she used it as a bed /sitting room, dp and I moved into the small bedroom.
She's moved out again and we're back in the master, if she comes back again I'm not swapping again, can't be playing that game.
Your sons need their own rooms but prepare for a backlash from dd

Serendipity79 · 15/09/2021 23:00

Give the rooms to your younger kids or they will resent you. My middle daughter rarely stays with her dad because his wife has insisted on keeping the two bedrooms her sons grew up in just like they were in case they come to stay. (3 bed house). They're 21 and 24 and both live in other towns...... my daughter gets to choose which of "their" rooms she can sleep in, hence she barely visits because she resents not having her own space there.

BoredZelda · 15/09/2021 23:41

My sister and I shared a room until my brother moved out when he was 18. I was 15, she was 16, I took over my brother’s room and there wasn’t ever a question.

That said, I moved properly out of my parent’s house when I was 24. Over 20 years later, it is still my bedroom. But, they don’t need the space so it’s still there as mine. I think I’ve finally got all my stuff out of it though.