AIBU to wonder if our parents were as interested in what we did at school?

[FawnFrenchieMum]

AIBU to wonder when the interest in education and what happens in schools become so much more of a concern to parents or has it always been but as children we just weren’t aware?

For example, there are posts every hour on her asking if it’s right that x,y&z is happening in the classroom (sat next to the wrong person, given work too / easy hard, too much / not enough homework).

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had to contact school to clarify what happened in certain situations or raise my concerns that something wasn’t dealt with appropriately etc.

I genuinely don’t believe my parents ever contacted school except for standard parents evenings. So was this just my parents, is it a generation thing? When and why did it change? Is it a good or bad thing?

I’m not really interested either unless there’s an actual real problem. I trust the school and teachers to know what they’re doing and I let them get on with it. Theyll contact me if there’s a problem and I’d raise it if children reported something actually significant.

I doubt mine ever contacted the school. Even if you got a rap of a ruler on your knuckles you wouldn't have expected parents to go in giving out - you'd have been given a bollocking by them for being disruptive in class

From your description you sound like you’re contacting your school an awful lot

I think what might have changed is what we perceive as a problem, if that makes sense? A lot of the things people post about on MN are genuinely not things that would concern me.

@steff13

I think what might have changed is what we perceive as a problem, if that makes sense? A lot of the things people post about on MN are genuinely not things that would concern me.

A lot of the things people post about on MN are also things that people would probably gripe about to friends but not actually do anything about.

I often find it a bit sad that people post about things that I'd normally chat about with a friend. But then I'm here too, so no great claim to having better things to do than natter on the Internet.

My parents just sent me to school in the 70s and 80s and occasionally moaned about the form for a school trip and always sent the school photos back as there were too expensive to buy.
They would have struggled with today's attitude to education etc! It sounds even more full on than when mine were at school and that was bad enough

I think I have contacted DS(15) school maybe twice?? Including primary. Never felt the need to call up and get clarity etc. Wouldn't call up unless there was a major issue that I felt needed addressing.

@WandaVision2

From your description you sound like you’re contacting your school an awful lot

One school yes I have been. DS just turned 15, has had an awful couple of years at school. He’s been recently diagnosed with ASD & ADHD. He’s had SEND plans in place for a few years they are regularly not followed but I have to find out what actually happened and not take his word for it before raising it as a concern, so yes it’s felt constant for a few years, however he’s just moved to a different provision and I’m hoping it’s a lot less now. For my DD9, hardly ever.

I also mean all the posts you see like, should my child be sitting next to this child, should my child be helping another child, should I ring and ask why they have moved down a reading level, should I ask for them to be moved sets etc etc.

@steff13

I think what might have changed is what we perceive as a problem, if that makes sense? A lot of the things people post about on MN are genuinely not things that would concern me.

Thats a really fair point and in most parts I would agree.

Well, my dad was chair of the governors and treasurer of the PTA, so I guess he was interested! However, he never, ever interfered with the work we were doing or got involved in disciplinary matters (unless it was to give us a bollocking!).

The only things he and one of the other governors, put his foot down about was that we weren’t to have a uniform and that we could wear jeans if we wanted. The headmaster didn’t believe in homework at primary level either so win-win!

My parents were not involved in my o grade or higher choices, or University choice etc. I probably told them, but I didn't seek their advice and they certainly didn't attend or even have any idea about open days. I think that was pretty normal in the early 80s - kids just got on with it. I think there are pluses and minuses, but I enjoyed being part of my children's decision making - though I was always clear it was their life and their choice in the end.

I’ve lost count of how many times I’ve had to contact school to clarify what happened in certain situations or raise my concerns that something wasn’t dealt with appropriately etc.

That sounds a lot.
I've had 3 dc through school, two have SEN of various kind and I certainly wouldn't get to 20 through them all.

I think part if it in infant school age is that a lot of parents who had their dc in nursery were used to a written sheet of what they'd done. I noticed that parents who were used to that would often expect the teacher to tell them a lot more.
Whereas when I and my siblings were little we were taken to playgroup by the owner who picked all the children up in the estate car (few in the footwell, 3 on the front seat, lots in the book!) and dropped off the same way with no interaction with parents.

My parents didn't give a shit what I was doing at school, zero encouragement or even bother to come to school plays, assemblies ect.

I actually lived with my dad and step mum and neither of them came. and I always felt really sad when I could see my fiends parents sat waving at them. My mum lived miles away and I would get two buses to go and wag it at her house then two buses back home.

I am really involved in my dds schooling as I am really interested in how they are progressing and what they have achieved. I hated school and I want my dc to have a different experience.

I think the accessibility of teachers on email don't help - parents just seem to fire off emails as if they're sending texts, which in turn means that any trivial issue demands a response.

This week I have had to deal with emails about a student not having friends to sit with at lunchtime, a request for another student to move forms as they don't like their form teacher (they've known them 8 days), and another one asking if I can help them find some lost property that would have been safe if they'd used their locker rather than flinging belongings into a corner of the common room

I'm a head of sixth form, by the way

When I was younger, my mum would have had to have gone to the trouble of ringing in for this, or writing a letter. Both, I am sure, might have had the effect of making her stop and think about whether it was really necessary, and what communication with school she should spend her time on.

Mine didn’t give a damn!!

I’ve got an older sister and younger brother, and honestly they wouldn’t have been able to tell you what GCSEs/A-Levels we did. I remember my cousins being given money for every A, B or C GCSE they got but mine barely gave me a “good luck” before an exam.

My Dad had left our home by the time my brother was at secondary school and had my half sister, and he was really OTT with her. It was rare for him to come to our parents evenings, but he went to every sodding thing with her!!!! My brother and her were the closest in age and I remember him kicking off one time because he’d gone to her parents evening but had never been to his.

She’s now early 20s, so would’ve been about 15 years ago that I saw a massive change in parents taking an interest. Her friends parents were all the same. But it may have been the school she went to

My mum did - I was a child of 80's, but my mum was very interested in my school work etc.
She did contact the school when I was sat next to the disruptive child in class, on a table just the two of us. I was meant to be a calming influence on him & help him with his work - no TAs back then! My mum was angry & went in. I was moved shortly after.

I was just thinking about this today - I have spoken to or emailed my eldest's teachers many times in his 3 and a bit years of school for various reasons (not that it's done the blindest bit of good to help him), but I don't ever recall my parents marching in to school on my behalf. Maybe they did and I just didn't know about it!

I was thinking this recently too - I don't think my parent gave a stuff!

I agree my parents went to the once a year parents evening at that was it

Mine was well known for not really giving a shit at the time - the idea of her being remotely interested in such things now when there is almost real time updates on everything defies comprehension.

She vaguely showed interest when there was an event I was taking part in during primary., as in she'd turn up if it didn't cost her anything. There may have been one primary parents' evening where she pretty much told the teacher she clearly didn't like me and the feeling was mutual (which really didn't help me any for the rest of the year, as she completely ignored me for the following month) No interest whatsoever from the day I went to secondary, other than being furious that a couple of teachers had phoned home over something or another.

My parents are both teachers so absolutely value education but were oddly very hands off with mine. I never had help with homework (to be fair, apart from reading I didn’t have homework until year 6) or checked that I’d done it. I don’t think they ever spoke to my secondary school except on parents evenings.

There definitely seemed to be a lot more separation between home and school (I was at school in the 90s). I definitely did some things which while not actually major should have been raised as potential safe guarding issues but didn’t even get a call home or follow up from the teacher.

As soon as I read your post OP I thought you may have a child with SEN.

Mines in primary and has an EHCP. I speak to the teachers and the 1:1 TA every day at pick up and drop off, I feedback where my child has raised something at home that might be very minor to a child without SEN but causes her distress - including 'silly' things like where she sits and who she sits with - and they feedback to me where something I can do at home may be helpful for school because we try to keep consistency across both environments.

Barely a week goes by where I don't have to contact them specifically about something. I hope they don't think of me as a pain in the arse parent, more as a parent who is trying hard to work with them for the benefit of my child.

My other child who does not have SEN, completely different story.

I do think we're more involved overall now though than parents were when I was a child. But then, a lot more is expected of parents too. My parents in the 90s were expected to read with me and by age 8/9 (KS2 ish) do some spellings and times tables. And if they didn't, no one cared really.

We're expected to do all that right from Y1, plus sums, plus proper homework projects (one project per term here with multiple tasks), plus all the costumes for 'days', plus all the 'send photos in for X project' and 'do some family research for X' none of which 5/6 year olds can do without significant parental input. How parents who both work full time and have children in wraparound care manage that I have absolutely no idea because we struggle to fit it all in sometimes and I'm a sahm.

So I think it goes both ways. Parents expect more interaction and feedback (and more of a voice too, I suppose) but that comes off the back of school asking them to be more involved too.

@HippeePrincess

I’m not really interested either unless there’s an actual real problem. I trust the school and teachers to know what they’re doing and I let them get on with it. Theyll contact me if there’s a problem and I’d raise it if children reported something actually significant.

This ^

@likearoomwithoutaroof

As soon as I read your post OP I thought you may have a child with SEN.

Mines in primary and has an EHCP. I speak to the teachers and the 1:1 TA every day at pick up and drop off, I feedback where my child has raised something at home that might be very minor to a child without SEN but causes her distress - including 'silly' things like where she sits and who she sits with - and they feedback to me where something I can do at home may be helpful for school because we try to keep consistency across both environments.

Barely a week goes by where I don't have to contact them specifically about something. I hope they don't think of me as a pain in the arse parent, more as a parent who is trying hard to work with them for the benefit of my child.

My other child who does not have SEN, completely different story.

I do think we're more involved overall now though than parents were when I was a child. But then, a lot more is expected of parents too. My parents in the 90s were expected to read with me and by age 8/9 (KS2 ish) do some spellings and times tables. And if they didn't, no one cared really.

We're expected to do all that right from Y1, plus sums, plus proper homework projects (one project per term here with multiple tasks), plus all the costumes for 'days', plus all the 'send photos in for X project' and 'do some family research for X' none of which 5/6 year olds can do without significant parental input. How parents who both work full time and have children in wraparound care manage that I have absolutely no idea because we struggle to fit it all in sometimes and I'm a sahm.

So I think it goes both ways. Parents expect more interaction and feedback (and more of a voice too, I suppose) but that comes off the back of school asking them to be more involved too.

I think your point about schools expecting a lot more is also true.

We never got homework in primary and my parents never checked what homework I was or wasn’t doing. I don’t even remember them being told if I was in detention or even isolation.

My parents never ever contacted the school and I did on a couple of occasions with my children. There are so many parents who complain about the tiniest things now. A lot are also very involved in their children's friendships too and instead of letting children navigate problems they are straight on the phone to the school trying to insist that they are moved classes etc. Not sure when or why it changed but I don't think it's a good thing. I feel sorry for teachers and head teachers now.