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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU and selfish? Work/childcare etc

35 replies

Merryoldgoat · 15/09/2021 18:13

I have a decent job with fte 0.7 and lots of flexibility which I need as my boys both have ASD (they’re 8 & 3).

I have a lovely DH who shares the childcare/housework etc although there’s no denying mental loss is mine.

We both earn ‘good’ money but aren’t high flyers and that’s always suited us.

Between me and PIL we can cover all pickups and DH and I manage all drop offs. We juggle a bit in school holidays but generally make it work but it can be stressful - this year is the first without a childminder for youngest and we wanted to settle him at nursery before adding a new person into the mix.

And old boss has called me and asked me to consider going to work for her again. She does this every couple of years and it’s very flattering and she is amazing.

Never considered it as she’s a high flyer and the job would be FT.

For the first time I’m considering it but it will mean FT working, getting an after school nanny and a commute (although some wfh is likely).

It’s a lot more money.
I’m a bit bored at work currently.
It’s exciting.

But I’m scared and just don’t know what to do.

Any advice or things to think about that I’ve not considered?

I’ve been clear that I need latitude for my boys but I worked for her for years before so she knows me and that I’m not a flake.

If you got this far…

YABU - keep your comfy job and don’t be greedy

YANBU - you can take the lead workwise for a bit - go for it

OP posts:
TheBitchOfTheVicar · 15/09/2021 18:16

Is it greedy to want satisfaction and challenge? I personally don't think so. Go for it!

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 15/09/2021 18:18

Thank you @TheBitchOfTheVicar - I feel uneasy but can’t work out why. Maybe just fear? It’s a big change.

OP posts:
Spudina · 15/09/2021 18:18

Go for it.

ItchyHeadNitOrNot · 15/09/2021 18:22

In your shoes my only worry would be the boys - I also have 2 boys with asd and they wouldn't cope with a nanny every day but they're younger than yours tbf. If you are satisfied the boys would be happy and well cared for then all it comes down to is whether you want the job - and it sounds like you do! Good luck!

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 15/09/2021 18:30

@ItchyHeadNitOrNot

Thank you - my boys are the only thing I can think about really.

The older is great - he is in mainstream and doing fab - currently in AFC which he also loves and he’s very good with change (bizarrely). Younger more of an unknown quantity but settled very quickly into nursery and with CM when he was a year old.

OP posts:
Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 15/09/2021 18:31

Thanks @Spudina - that’s how I’m leaning.

DH has said he’d go part time if needed.

OP posts:
Holly60 · 15/09/2021 18:31

Would your PIL be willing to pick up any slack as you settle into it? If they are pretty supportive, go for it!!

chitchatchatter · 15/09/2021 18:35

It's not greedy to want satisfaction and challenge in your job. The only thing I've found is to never just follow the money only - the couple of times I've done this have been some of the unhappiest in my life. And if the extra money is spent on travelling costs, a nanny and you're too tired at the end of the day to enjoy it, is it worth it? Not saying this to put you off, just as things to consider.

Being able to partly wfh might help, could you firm that up as part of the offer?

What would your dream job with dream working hours look like - and could your ex-boss match it?!

TheBitchOfTheVicar · 15/09/2021 18:36

Having a supportive DH is a good thing, though I realise it pushes all the responsibility for making the choice onto you, which is a big thing. When I first went back to work after having mine, it made bad days easier when I could tell myself I didn't have a choice but to do this job, instead of actually having chosen tough challenges.

Having said that, I changed jobs recently after a long time, and though it is exactly what I wanted to do and I'm so much better off in many ways, I still had a wobble and wanted to retract my registration!

Change and the unknown are hard

clarepetal · 15/09/2021 18:39

I really think you should do it! X

BrieAndChilli · 15/09/2021 18:45

If she’s so keen for you to work for it, surely it’s worth a conversation about for example finishing slightly early twice a week(even if you start earlier and DH does the morning drop offs on those days) WFH a day or 2 would also possibly work in terms of cutting down commuting time.

EatYourVegetables · 15/09/2021 18:46

Go for it!!

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 15/09/2021 19:09

Oh thank you all - having some voices not tell me I’m being ridiculous is really reassuring.

Definitely not just following money - the role sounds fantastic and a good mix of challenge plus stuff I can do immediately - she was a fantastic person to work for.

I think when we have the next conversation I’ll discuss wfh options etc.

PIL would definitely support us as I settled in. The commute would be a change but it’s one tube from my house so not a difficult one. I currently drive and it’s fine but I miss reading on the train.

OP posts:
Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 15/09/2021 19:11

@chitchatchatter

Ideal hours:

£70k FTE for 3 days a week, 1 wfh plus healthcare and a good pension.

Also known as a unicorn 🤣🤣

I’m not holding out hope for that one!!

OP posts:
JADS · 15/09/2021 20:39

I would go for it!

The one caveat would be that finding an after school nanny for 2 boys with ASD might be a challenge.

Mymapuddlington · 15/09/2021 20:41

I’ve given up my life for my autistic child. You have an amazing opportunity so go for it!

user1487194234 · 15/09/2021 20:42

Absolutely give it a go

Hankunamatata · 15/09/2021 20:43

Ypir dh can go part time if needed. I'd def go for it

Pebbledashery · 15/09/2021 20:45

I work full time, 7.30am to 5pm x 5 days a week in a hospital in the NHS, I barely see my daughter in the week.. But I do it for a better life for her and know its just what I have to do to suit my family. Its what works for you, I say go for it.

Hilly17 · 15/09/2021 20:51

Can your DH consider reducing his hours to compensate? Especially if you would be earning more money, makes sense to me!

altiara · 15/09/2021 21:49

Go for it!
You’re not tied into it for life so if it doesn’t work out, at least you’ll have some new skills and experience to show for it.
And if it does work out, then brilliant plus the same as above, new skills/experience and you might be able to move jobs into something part time for £££ (if that was your goal).

rookiemere · 15/09/2021 21:56

You're obviously very good, hence why she's keen to get you working for her. I'd question again if full time means that with no leeway. Working 4 days a week and/or wfh could all make it more manageable. No harm in proposing it.

Blueeilidh · 15/09/2021 21:59

No one here knows the full facts, only you and your oh can work out a plan to see if it would be feasible.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 16/09/2021 00:05

Thank you all.

My DH is happy to look for a part time job, he said to me tonight he’d absolutely support me in that way.

I do worry about my boys but they are both quite calm natured although the little one is a human wrecking ball.

I think my instinct is to give it a try if we can iron out the details.

@Blueeilidh I know that, but it is feasible logistically, it’s just whether it would be too much for the family to bear.

I was just finishing up some work this evening and it really did feel like it might be time for a change.

My current manager is great as well and where I work is a great place - I feel quite nervous about leaving there.

I think I’m going to try to ignore it until after the weekend.

OP posts:
Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 16/09/2021 00:06

@rookiemere

If it were 4 days that would be a game changer.

OP posts: