AIBU and selfish? Work/childcare etc

[Merryoldgoat]

I have a decent job with fte 0.7 and lots of flexibility which I need as my boys both have ASD (they’re 8 & 3).

I have a lovely DH who shares the childcare/housework etc although there’s no denying mental loss is mine.

We both earn ‘good’ money but aren’t high flyers and that’s always suited us.

Between me and PIL we can cover all pickups and DH and I manage all drop offs. We juggle a bit in school holidays but generally make it work but it can be stressful - this year is the first without a childminder for youngest and we wanted to settle him at nursery before adding a new person into the mix.

And old boss has called me and asked me to consider going to work for her again. She does this every couple of years and it’s very flattering and she is amazing.

Never considered it as she’s a high flyer and the job would be FT.

For the first time I’m considering it but it will mean FT working, getting an after school nanny and a commute (although some wfh is likely).

It’s a lot more money.
I’m a bit bored at work currently.
It’s exciting.

But I’m scared and just don’t know what to do.

Any advice or things to think about that I’ve not considered?

I’ve been clear that I need latitude for my boys but I worked for her for years before so she knows me and that I’m not a flake.

If you got this far…

YABU - keep your comfy job and don’t be greedy

YANBU - you can take the lead workwise for a bit - go for it

I think you should go for. My eldest has asd and is also good with change; I just moved everyone overseas for a new job for me.

On hours- could you do a compressed week? Or 9 day fortnight? That might take the pressure off a bit. 9 day fortnight with 1 day a week wfh would give you a bit more wriggle room and make it feel more relaxed.

You don't mention what industry you're in but hybrid ways of work are the way forward surely. I've done a compressed week before and once you're out the house you're out. I always got back for bedtime.

I actually think the primary years are a good time to push ahead. I think the asd is going to get more complicated with a teen so I wanted to develop my career now.

@Merryoldgoat my neighbour was in a similar position. I encouraged her to ask for 4 days per week and it was agreed.
You're in a strong position- she asked you to work for you, you didn't apply. But it's also great that your DH would go pt.

@plantastic

I’m an accountant in industry rather than practice so the move is to Financial Controller reporting directly into CFO. 9 day fortnight sounds quite interesting actually, I’d not thought of that at all. I suspect once the training period is over wfh would be standard for a portion of the week.

@rookiemere

When we next talk I’ll definitely discuss that as an option. As it’s a new role as well it’s possible that it might take a while to get up to speed so I could start at 4 and move to 5 after 6-12 months.

Actually feeling quite excited now!

Also I just dropped my little one to nursery and he ran in absolutely over the moon which is a massive weight off my mind.

The key to this is your dh. Will he take up a greater share of the responsibility - not just day to day parenting, chores, managing childcare etc but also the mental load?

Lots of women work part-time or are SAHPs so their partners can progress in their careers. Absolutely nothing wrong with you progressing in yours and your dp supporting you. Really hope it works out, great that your old boss thought of you.

I’d go for it. You have lots of support plus the option to wfh part of the time.

Even if a 9 day fortnight isn’t possible could you do 4 1/2 days a week with the half day being a day from home? This is what I do (but start at 6am and do an hour before everyone gets up) and I use the half day to fit in all my appointments eg dentist, hair cuts etc. And if I don’t have an appointment one week I can do some of those household jobs that get forgotten about/declutter etc. if you did something similar you could do the drop off and pick up on that day too
I’d look at getting a cleaner as well.

@ItchyHeadNitOrNot

In your shoes my only worry would be the boys - I also have 2 boys with asd and they wouldn't cope with a nanny every day but they're younger than yours tbf. If you are satisfied the boys would be happy and well cared for then all it comes down to is whether you want the job - and it sounds like you do! Good luck!

This would be my concern too. One of my Autistic boys would likely be fine, the other really not. But sounds like that wouldn't be an issue for your family. If you think you can make it work I'd say go for it.

I’m very lucky with the boys - both whilst obviously need additional support in lots of ways are very easy in others. Happy with new people, like trips out etc. A few flash points which can be easily managed and no behavioural problems like violence and lashing out so that does make childcare a LITTLE easier.

DH would definitely step up but he’d find it harder but happy to do it. He does chores anyway and we already have a wonderful cleaner who is indispensable. She doesn’t just clean, just does whatever I need (within reason). In the early days with my younger one it would not be unusual for her to bring me tea whilst I held a sick baby and she’d tidy around me and clear away toys etc. We call her ‘The Angel’.

Let’s see what happens over then next few weeks I suppose!

Thank you all for your help and encouragement

@Merryoldgoat

Thanks *@Spudina* - that’s how I’m leaning.

DH has said he’d go part time if needed.

I think it could be very valuable to have him take the carer type role for a while. Give you more flexibility and balance as a family if you can both do either role and both understand the stresses of the different family roles, main breadwinner and carer/parent on call whose responsible for the majority of the mental load as well as more of the everyday parenting. Provided he will actually take on more of that mental load and you won't have to manage that.

Time for a list of pros and cons I think..

You say your ideal job would be £70k FTE for 3 days with one from home.. That would be £42k. Have you bench marked the role you are considering.. Financial Controller Reporting sounds like a higher value role to me.. also long hours particularly at crunch times. There is a lot in such a role that requires technical knowledge of systems, regulations and internal and external reporting rules, liaison with stakeholders, knowledge of the detail but also usually quite a lot of detailed work that can be delegated if you have a strong team. Do you know much about the rest of the structure of the team? If you wo

What salary would it take to let you have a nanny / housekeeper?

How can you better share the mental load?

Would your husband pick up the slack of you were not there 5 days a week but he was there 2 of those?

What would you do with the extra money? Would you be trading your increased salary for a drop in your husbands salary and an increase in childcare costs?

What are the medium and long term prospects and would you want to take advantage of them or is this a role you could see yourself settling into and being allowed to stay in?

What does the 'work' Merry want out of life? Does this role deliver this?

What does the 'mother' Merry want our of life? Does this role allow that?

If you walked into your house every day at 7pm having had a kick ass day where everybody said you did a good job today and you had an hour of reading bedtime stories, ate supper in front of the TV and had weekends with your family, would that be the perfect life?

What else would you need to make it run smoothly?

Life isn't a fairytale and your decision doesn't have to be set in stone forever. Maybe book an hour with a career coach (a female one who has a family and has worked a corporate job preferably!!)

@ChateauMargaux

I love you 🤣 that’s a fantastic place to start.

Thank you.