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AIBU?

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Original poster

Wedding gift - money?

35 replies

Leilalow12 · 15/09/2021 17:30

Hello,

I was looking for advice in regards to my brother requesting money for his wedding, he also had a money poem.

I'm slightly angry at the fact he asked my mum "how much he was getting" and said his fiancées parents were giving them a few thousand... and if my mum was going to match that.

What are your opinions on this? My parents are both retired having worked minimum wage jobs and saving (in my opinion people should use their savings on themselves - they're not bank machines). Also my brother and his fiancee are in well paid jobs. My parents also previously gifted a decent sum of money for a home deposit a few years ago as well as contributing to the wedding a bit

I'm now considering whether to give a an actual gift rather than money. I actually think gifts are more personal but if I'm honest I'm unsure what I'd buy - I was thinking around £50-100 but I also have other siblings so maybe we could do a group gift. What re your opinions on this please? I'm worried this could cause a rift since my brother has expectations about how much he should receive? (Unfairly I feel) I thought weddings were about two people getting married...

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Ivy48 · 15/09/2021 17:33

Depends on the gift. If they have a home already etc that rules out most gifts you’d get new couples. Most ask for money these days so not odd but his expectations are wild. He needs to wind it in tbh. I’d give a voucher and serves him right for being greedy

GreenClock · 15/09/2021 17:33

I wouldn’t buy him a gift OP unless you want to see it on eBay a month later. If they wanted “stuff” they’d have set up a wedding list.

What an impertinent question to your parents though!

BasinHaircut · 15/09/2021 17:35

I don’t see the issue with asking for money rather than gifts and I prefer to give cash than have to go to the effort of getting a suitable gift. It’s a win-win for me.

You don’t get to dictate the amount someone gives you though it is rude.

If you feel like weddings are about 2 people getting married and not expecting to get anything gift-wise then don’t give either cash nor money.

Merryoldgoat · 15/09/2021 17:36

You are conflating two separate issues.

  1. Your brother is greedy and unpleasant and his behaviour is extremely distasteful.
  1. You don’t want to give him money for his wedding.

Addressing point 2 first: I don’t see the point in giving a gift the recipient won’t like or want, so either give him cash or nothing but don’t waste your money on something he won’t actually like or doesn’t want.

Regarding the first point, his behaviour is very unpleasant and I expect he’s been allowed to get away with this shit for years. Why your parents didn’t tell him to piss off (using different words) is beyond me.

TooBigForMyBoots · 15/09/2021 17:36

I'm now considering whether to give a an actual gift rather than money.

Why? He wants a cash gift. You don't know what gift of "stuff" he would like. Is it to punish him because of the conversation with your mum?Confused

Plumtree391 · 15/09/2021 17:36

I don't think it is wrong to want money as a wedding gift, considering most people have all their bits and pieces when they marry. It's also easier.

In your place, I would give him the money.

What your parents give is up to them. The conversation they had may have been quite lighthearted, you were not there; however that is not a concern of yours so don't get involved.

Original poster
Leilalow12 · 15/09/2021 17:39

I'm on a low income and have a wedding the week before - I was looking to chip in with other siblings and gift them unsure what- likely an overnight stay as this is something they like doing thanks

OP posts:
DDiva · 15/09/2021 17:40

He shouldn't be asking how much he'll get or comparing amounts. However I dont have any issue giving cash, much better its spent on something they actually want.

CraftyGin · 15/09/2021 17:42

Give them what they want to receive, ie money.

ParkheadParadise · 15/09/2021 17:44

I fucking hate money poems.
I'd be tempted to put £20 in an envelope 😜😜

TooBigForMyBoots · 15/09/2021 17:44

Give what you can afford. Do not try to convince your siblings to buy your brother something he doesnt want.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 15/09/2021 17:47

I never gift cash, it’s like paying an entry fee to attend.

I’ve told mine not to expect help with a wedding, I’m not paying for a party. The only important bit is the vows and that costs very little. I’d much rather help with education or a house deposit.

peboh · 15/09/2021 17:47

I have no problem gifting money, and actually prefer it. It saves me trying to find a gift that doesn't end up in a cupboard somewhere, and gives the couple chance to get something they really want. However he's bloody rude to ask how much he's getting, and then telling your parents what his in laws are gifting. You get given what you're given.

Hathertonhariden · 15/09/2021 17:58

An overnight stay sounds like an ideal gift from you all. You shouldn't be going into debt for someone else's wedding even if it is your brother.

Hathertonhariden · 15/09/2021 18:00

@ParkheadParadise

I fucking hate money poems. I'd be tempted to put £20 in an envelope 😜😜
Ditto. There are plenty of talented people on here who can compose a suitable poem to attach to your cash gift...
Wole · 15/09/2021 18:01

Give him a £5 cheque so he has to bank it

Wole · 15/09/2021 18:02

Or some teatowels, always handy

Tiredforfive45 · 15/09/2021 18:04

How many siblings do you have?

Won’t contributing to a trip away cost you more than putting £50 in a card?

Bumpitybumper · 15/09/2021 18:10

I can't stand people that insist on buying gifts when someone has explicitly asked for money. It's almost as if they get a weird pleasure from depriving someone (they supposedly care about) of something they clearly want in the name of being morally superior. Despite what some suggest, there is nothing intrinsically wrong with asking for money and in fact it's much less wasteful and pointless than getting a bunch of random and often unwanted gifts that people have bought out of obligation.

In your situation OP I would give your brother cash but only what you can afford and are happy to give. If that's £20 given with love and generosity then he should be grateful. If he isn't then that's his issue!

girlmom21 · 15/09/2021 18:19

Does his poem state what he wants the money for? If it's for spending money for the honeymoon, for example, I'd be happy to give it.

ParkheadParadise · 15/09/2021 18:20

When all my older siblings got married I was given all their duplicates from their (show of presents) it was great I was a single parent I furnished my house with
Towels
Tea- towels
Cutlery
Toaster
Glasses
Scales/ kitchen/bathroom 😂😂😂

Fraine · 15/09/2021 18:22

Definitely no more than £50.

frogswimming · 15/09/2021 18:24

I don't think it's any of your business what has been said between him and your parents. He sounds rude and grabby, buts that's between him and them.

Are you hoping you can give less if you chip in with siblings for a gift? Just give him what you would have chipped in.

RazorSharp · 15/09/2021 18:32

@Leilalow12

I'm on a low income and have a wedding the week before - I was looking to chip in with other siblings and gift them unsure what- likely an overnight stay as this is something they like doing thanks
Your siblings haven't agreed yet and if I were them I would be giving cash.

What's the issue with cash?

Fraine · 15/09/2021 18:32

@frogswimming

I don't think it's any of your business what has been said between him and your parents. He sounds rude and grabby, buts that's between him and them.

Are you hoping you can give less if you chip in with siblings for a gift? Just give him what you would have chipped in.

Of course it's her business. It;s not fair to treat siblings differently and can break up families.
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