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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Adult children of helicopter parents

52 replies

Needspace21 · 15/09/2021 16:33

Are there any others of you out there?

Feeling very conflicted as my mother is a kind person but feeling very smothered by them. We live about 3 hrs apart and I commute between two places for work. A couple of years ago they bought a caravan and placed it near where I work. Today they have just told me the "exciting" 😬 news that they have bought a second cheap caravan and placed it in the place I call 'home,' where I spend holidays and weekend. Am I a terrible daughter to feel smothered? There was minimal discussion of this with me beforehand. They are surprised I'm not delighted. I feel callous but the thought of them waltzing back and forth between these 2 caravans kind of engaging and kind of not, whilst I work my arse off full time but they can't babysit or coming in my house because covid. Argh! Any words of wisdom much appreciated.

OP posts:
BigSandyBalls2015 · 15/09/2021 16:40

Christ I’d hate that OP, what were they thinking Shock

Reminds me of a friend of mine ... my DD has gone off to uni about 3 hours away ... the friend’s son chose a local one so he could live at home. Friend said “if he had done that we would have moved up there” ... deadly serous 😳

BigSandyBalls2015 · 15/09/2021 16:41

Not sure what you can do though!

RantyAunty · 15/09/2021 16:43

I don't quite understand the caravan thing.
Are they placed on your property?

BananaPB · 15/09/2021 16:47

That's worse than helicoptering.

People in jail seem to have more freedom than you. I would hate being in your shoes and would have no problem telling my parents to back off because I was an adult.

CocktailOnion · 15/09/2021 16:48

I don't really understand the problem, they can have as many caravans as they wish and you can have as many boundaries as you wish.
Your an adult , assert yourself if they are overstepping your boundaries.

Glssr195726113493 · 15/09/2021 16:51

I find it so tragically hilarious when parents are that obsessed with their children that they have no perspective about normal behaviour. But that is because I’ve never been on the receiving end of it. It must be horrendous.

What is wrong with the people that become these obsessive, clinging parents?!

BlackIsQueen · 15/09/2021 16:53

Ah Op, solidarity. I live with mine, and it is hellish because there is no escape. You must feel like that too. Mine gets hysterical at the mere mention of a boundary - what would yours say if you said that you were disappointed or unable to increase the frequency of visits?

Dixiechickonhols · 15/09/2021 16:55

How does it work? Do they keep popping in. My first thought is they can have a caravan near your office and house but you don’t need to see them.

Cocomarine · 15/09/2021 16:57

I don’t really understand what they’re doing?
They have two caravans now, near your work location and near your home. But they only “kind of” engage - which doesn’t make it sound like they’re actually seeing you much?

I mean, yeah - it seems OTT. Moreso to have started with the work location that the home location really - although if you’re away all week, is your child with you at work location?

How often have you been seeing them because of the work location caravan that’s made them think the home location one is a good idea?

Dozer · 15/09/2021 16:58

Boundaries, OP, boundaries.

Cocomarine · 15/09/2021 17:00

Is it not fair enough that they don’t want to come into your house because of Covid?

What are they actually doing? Coming for the weekend in the caravan and expecting you to visit the site to see them outdoors?

Are the caravans just since Covid?

If they thought you were happy with caravan 1, I can see why - if they have money to burn - they though caravan 2 was good idea.

How often do they use caravan 1?

Ribblechips · 15/09/2021 17:00

Can you have a bit of a chat with them op? Can you be honest and tell them that as an independent adult, you feel smothered? Could you frame it in terms of being worried for them that they don't have other interests in their life? Encourage them to meet other people and expand their horizons?

Do you have a partner or family of your own op? If not you need to nip this in the bud asap (harsh though this sounds and if they are physically well of course) before you do!

Ribblechips · 15/09/2021 17:03

Oh sorry op, you mentioned baby sitting at the end of your post so you obviously do have a family!

Toddlerteaplease · 15/09/2021 17:05

We had a mum and son on our local news both going to do the same course at the same university. I felt so sorry for him!

Zilla1 · 15/09/2021 17:19

Presumably it must feel hard, OP, if you love them and don't want to upset them. Is it because they don't seem to have much self-awareness nor boundaries, their behaviour then leads to you either having to front them up and potentially hurt their feelings or live with eroded boundaries and the uncertainty of not knowing when they'll appear?

PartyStory · 15/09/2021 17:24

You have my sympathy OP. My helicopter parents recently opened my vaccine letter (went to their house as had been traveling abroad) and not only did they cancel my appointment, but de-registered me with my GP. This is after years of me telling them not to open any mail addressed to me without asking first.

Of course I was unreasonable one when I got annoyed Hmm

Bonheurdupasse · 15/09/2021 17:41

@BlackIsQueen hope that you’ve some hope of your situation improving…

Original poster
Needspace21 · 15/09/2021 17:43

Thanks all for your replies. As @BlackIsQueen says any mention of a boundary makes my mother come across deeply hurt and hysterical. Once I said to her when she was ringing me everyday (usually in the middle of dinner) I was starting to feel a bit smothered she acted like the world had come to an end and I had said something outrageous.

She claims this second caravan is because of covid. My dad won't let us visit in their house anymore as he considers us a biohazard with two kids mixing in schools. However it gives them all the power to visit when they want and for how long they want. Of course its great they want to see their grad kids. But they visit caravan 1 for 3 week stretches and I just can't bear it. They won't even babysit now because of covid risks of being in my house. Once my first job abroad and they took their holiday there despite my mum being terrified of flying. Another time whenever I've moved into a new house she has made it her mission to be there' to help'... To start organising my kitchen. My dad was a shout horrid person growing up. My mum stuck with him. I don't want them hovering around ready to pop by when they feel like it without regard for my privacy or plans. Feel like a shit daughter for saying that.

OP posts:
WhatMattersMost · 15/09/2021 17:48

It's very difficult dealing with a narcissistic parent.

I would definitely seek out therapy so that you can begin to live your own life.

Cocomarine · 15/09/2021 17:51

Why did they get a caravan in your place of work before your home town? Seems an odd way round to do it.

Cocomarine · 15/09/2021 17:55

You’re not a shit daughter for not wanting them to just pop by. Loads of us feel that way!

The only answer is to dig in your own boundaries however they behave though. If the phone rings during your meal, you don’t even know - because it’s not at the table with you. One word about not answering - stand up for yourself: we don’t have our phones and the table and even if we did I’m not being rude to my family and letting my dinner go cold to chat to you.

The caravans are an annoying red herring really enabling them… lots of advice from people on here who have local (pain) parents!

REP22 · 15/09/2021 18:00

You don't sound like a shit daughter to me; you sound like a nice, reasonable daughter who's being driven spare through no fault of your own. I don't understand your father's logic over the Covid risks. But then, I don't understand wanting to live a nomadic life in caravans just so they can trail around after you between your work and home either.

I'm so sorry OP. I really hope things get better for you. x

alexdgr8 · 15/09/2021 18:02

you are also responsible for how you let them into your life.
if she rings too often at inconvenient times, just say i can't talk now, busy with the baby, bye. end call.
it's as if you are waiting for them to realise that their behaviour is inconsiderate, and to repent and amend it.
this is all too emotionally loaded.
imagine you are a general planning battle strategy.
don't give information to the other side.

look ahead. predict their possible lines of attack. head off.
use tactical retreat on occasions.
you can do it. you are stronger than you know.

BlackIsQueen · 15/09/2021 18:09

[quote Bonheurdupasse]@BlackIsQueen hope that you’ve some hope of your situation improving…[/quote]
None at the mo, but slowly working towards my own freedom day!

UpHillandDownAle · 15/09/2021 18:10

I second what @WhatMattersMost suggests. My DH hit the realisation that his parents would never see him as anything other than an extension of themselves when we moved house and his parents joined a sports club close to his new work despite living 2.5hours away. A small thing in of itself but it was literally the straw that broke the camel’s back. He got some excellent counselling and whilst their behaviour hasn’t changed, he had found a way to have boundaries and protect himself and us. He came out and told them that if they moved within an hour of us, he would have no choice but to take steps to protect himself. We only ever see them in the next county! They still try the old behaviour every so often but communicating by text/email makes that easier to manage. He did try to have a conversation with them after he started counselling but they didn’t want to know. So now he’s low contact and grey rock. It’s the only way he finds to still see them but keep himself out of their games.