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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Adult children of helicopter parents

52 replies

Needspace21 · 15/09/2021 16:33

Are there any others of you out there?

Feeling very conflicted as my mother is a kind person but feeling very smothered by them. We live about 3 hrs apart and I commute between two places for work. A couple of years ago they bought a caravan and placed it near where I work. Today they have just told me the "exciting" 😬 news that they have bought a second cheap caravan and placed it in the place I call 'home,' where I spend holidays and weekend. Am I a terrible daughter to feel smothered? There was minimal discussion of this with me beforehand. They are surprised I'm not delighted. I feel callous but the thought of them waltzing back and forth between these 2 caravans kind of engaging and kind of not, whilst I work my arse off full time but they can't babysit or coming in my house because covid. Argh! Any words of wisdom much appreciated.

OP posts:

SparkyTheCat · 15/09/2021 18:12

OP you might find the Well We Took You To Stately Homes thread helpful - lots of people there who absolutely understand this sort of thing.

Original poster

Needspace21 · 15/09/2021 18:12

imagine you are a general planning battle strategy.
don't give information to the other side.
look ahead. predict their possible lines of attack. head off.
use tactical retreat on occasions.
Love this. It does actually feel like a game of chess. Her caravan pawns are blocking me at each diagonal move. I lived in Scotland for a while. It was bliss as it was hard for them to visit. It may be dramatic but I am now considering a move!

OP posts:

BlackIsQueen · 15/09/2021 18:12

Op, can you check out a CoDA group and research codependency. Learning about this really changed my mentality and with that, it doesn't matter what anyone else on the outside says, you know and trust your own internal voice. But you have to make sure that the voice is not a cunt, lol.

hopeishere · 15/09/2021 18:12

Stop telling them stuff. Minimise contact.

Topseyt · 15/09/2021 18:20

Bizarre behaviour from them. It almost sounds like they are stalking or harassing you with where they have parked their ridiculous caravans.

CyclingIsNotOuting · 15/09/2021 18:30

whilst I work my arse off full time but they can't babysit or coming in my house because covid
This is why YANBU in my opinion.
At least be useful if you’re going to be around all the time!

Cocomarine · 15/09/2021 18:38

@CyclingIsNotOuting

whilst I work my arse off full time but they can't babysit or coming in my house because covid This is why YANBU in my opinion. At least be useful if you’re going to be around all the time!

OP went on to say they won’t babysit now because of Covid. So it sounds like they were useful in the past! I do have some sympathy with older people not wanting to be indoors with school age children because of Covid.

I can’t work out how they’re popping by that often though, if they won’t be with the children. I did ask upthread - are they expecting you to go to the caravan site?

Original poster

Needspace21 · 15/09/2021 18:40

can’t work out how they’re popping by that often though, if they won’t be with the children. I did ask upthread - are they expecting you to go to the caravan site?

Yes or they will come and sit in the garden.

OP posts:

AliceMcK · 15/09/2021 18:46

@PartyStory

You have my sympathy OP. My helicopter parents recently opened my vaccine letter (went to their house as had been traveling abroad) and not only did they cancel my appointment, but de-registered me with my GP. This is after years of me telling them not to open any mail addressed to me without asking first.

Of course I was unreasonable one when I got annoyed

Omg that reminds me of my mother. She always opened my mail. When I was younger I had a miscarriage but never told anyone. I was referred to counselling at the time. I wasn’t living at home but kept my parents address to keep my GP. My mother opened my letters and my DF turned up at the councillors office demanding to know what I was in counselling for.

simitra · 15/09/2021 19:05

I had an over possessive mother but it was back in the 1970s/1980s when there were no smart phones! There were barely mobiles in the 1980s and I never admitted to having one.

I left my home city in the mid 1980s. My mother was so self obsessed with her health that for any development she used to sit by the phone and impart the news to every member of the family. "Ive had a fall/got to go into hospital/whatever". And she would ring, and Ring, and RING until she reached you!"

I found that there were some distinct advantages to being a non driver living in another city! I was also employed on an EU funded project which involved my being in Brussels for a few days each month. I told my parents I had to spend most of my time in Europe on an unpredictable basis and that it was not possible to contact me. It was also impossible for them to check up.

I feel sorry for people with over possessive parents now because of all the smart phones/internet and the ability to be constantly in touch. It must be like living in a glass box.

ChurchWCat · 15/09/2021 19:14

Get a ring doorbell
Get a gate lock for the garden
Only answer the door when YOU want to

Hopeisallineed · 15/09/2021 19:22

It will be winter soon, so popping by to sit in the garden won’t be much of an option. Small mercies.

HomeSliceKnowsBest · 15/09/2021 19:40

Burn the caravans out? Just ensure they are parent free when you do so.

Original poster

Needspace21 · 16/09/2021 11:10

Haha I think burning the caravans might end me in jail!

OP posts:

Bigfathairyones · 16/09/2021 11:23

Gosh - this isn't an easy one, but personally I would start having some regular conversations (with the hysterical reactions etc) ref: that they need to ask whether you want them near to you/turning up all the time. Their natural question should be 'well don't you?' and at which point you be honest and say 'no'. Let that sink in and see what happens. Anything else such as putting high fences with locked gates around your garden seems a tad daft (unless you happen to want that anyway). You either need to deal or ignore and if you deal, it's not going to be easy. Not sure there's a halfway house, past what I've suggested above; it might go nuclear anyway though. What would be good is if you could start to have some basic ground rules e.g. no turning up without a. checking if OK and b. notice (which you can't do without a. Expectation that a visit is max of every 2/4/6/8 weeks apart (as acceptable to you) and that they understand you have a life and also don't want to feel as if you're being spied on by the neighbours, which this does. Suggest they speak to 3 of their friends about this and ask them to ask their own children how they'd react to the same behaviour. I think that sometimes we get stuck in our own worlds and need to get some perspective over what is acceptable to other people, over just ourselves. Good luck - you sound like a lovely daughter.

candycane222 · 16/09/2021 11:27

You say you feel like a bad daughter for not obliging their desires. All of us who didn't have weird parents can see plainly you aren't.

I suspect the reason you feel helpless here is because they have trained you feom an early age to see yourself as bad if you ever disagree wirh them - all that guiltiing and emotional blackmail is nothing new I bet.

I think your most powerful strategy will be do "de-programme" yourself so that you can see quite clearly how ridiculous, demanding and rude they are being, and then you'll be able to stand up for yourself without them having the power to "bad daughter" you.

FWIW I wouldn't dream of visit ing my adult children uninvited. I tell them Id like to visit, ask them if it's possible, arrange it on their terms, and usually treat them. My kids don't owe me A THING

Original poster

Needspace21 · 16/09/2021 16:57

Thank you @candycane222. You sound lovely.

OP posts:

CloudPop · 16/09/2021 17:03

@Toddlerteaplease

We had a mum and son on our local news both going to do the same course at the same university. I felt so sorry for him!

God. Poor guy.

candycane222 · 16/09/2021 17:50

Well you see @Needspace21 Im not sure im lovely especially - in some ways its for my own benefit, because I would hate my children to feel about me, the way you feel about your parents. I want my kids to like me! That's not anything special, is it?

What is the point of visiting someone if they don't want you there, and the emotional vibe underlying the relationship is "piss off and leave me alone". I do find that strange - I mean, it is strange, isn't it?? - so I have conclude that there is something not quite right about your parents. They of course want you to think its you who there's something wrong with. And that's what you need to get out of your head, so you feel entitled to stand up for yourself with your perfectly reasonable wish to lead your own life.

Original poster

Needspace21 · 17/09/2021 10:40

Thanks for explaining. It's really just that.
A need to live my own life in peace with normal visit a couple of times a year. The more she pushes the more I pull back.

OP posts:

BigSandyBalls2015 · 17/09/2021 13:23

This isn't that unusual, I hear about parents like this more and more lately and I really don't understand their thought process.

The friend I mentioned earlier, who said she'd move house if her son moved away to uni .... she often asks (with a concerned head tilt) "do you see DD very much (implying obv not) .... it's a shame she moved so far away (3 hours!, not overseas) .... hopefully she's happier now (implying she had a shit homelife with me and it's the reason she moved away to uni)".

Does my head in, i'm distancing myself ... the best thing her son could have ever done would have been moving away for uni.

coffeeisthebest · 17/09/2021 13:26

But it doesn't sound like you are pulling back. You sound passive aggressive. You're not responsible for how your Mum feels. You are allowed to assert yourself. You are currently stuck in the 'FOG' of your childhood, allowing them to do what they want and then feeling aghast at what you are allowing them to do. Do you know what parts of their beliefs you also follow? Do you agree with them on the Covid stuff and if not are you happy to be called a 'biohazard'? Is that a word they used or have you decided that's what they think? Have you had any therapy because you sound pretty enmeshed and in the interests of your children you might want to unpick your programming. It will get hideous OP so be prepared for that, but you haven't learnt that you are separate from them yet. This is your life.

Original poster

Needspace21 · 22/09/2021 17:44

I'm just wondering where I go from here. I'll be honest, at the moment I'm avoiding her phone calls, but I can't do that forever. I just dont know what to do next. She's not going to unbuy the caravan, so she's kind of won. Imposed her will on the situation as she normally does, in the nicest, most innocent 'oh what me, I just wanted to explore area' kind of way.

OP posts:

Original poster

Needspace21 · 26/09/2021 19:45

I still can't bear to speak to them and they have noticed and started asking me if there is something wrong and how they can help. I am avoiding the elephant in the room as I know my mother will get terribly upset and offended and I can't be doing with it right now to be honest. I'm going to try and book a counselling session to talk through my feelings but I'm worried the counsellor will think I'm ungrateful for them wanting to spend time with me.

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 26/09/2021 19:52

Haha I think burning the caravans might end me in jail!

move it 200 miles away to a lay-by

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