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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu To not tell DH I'm Pregnant?

41 replies

ShushShushShush · 15/09/2021 13:14

I don't mean like, ever, I just mean, yet.

I've known since Monday when I got a faint positive and they're getting darker.

We've had a lot of loss the past year or so. 1 baby in the second trimester and 2 miscarriages this year so far. This will be my fourth pregnancy in a 13 months.

A positive pregnancy test doesn't mean we'll get a baby and we're both really aware of that.

It feels like if I tell him, there will be hope, and I can't bear to disapoint him again. There's just been so much sadness.

But I feel bad not telling him.

OP posts:
Original poster
ShushShushShush · 15/09/2021 13:14

14 months *

OP posts:
Brollywasntneededafterall · 15/09/2021 13:15

I had 3 chemicals and then didn't tell dh when I got a bfp again. A week later I told him and he understood why I hadn't. Sadly I mc at 8 weeks. Glad he had known so we had ecah other for support but I needed that week to gather my own thoughts...

Etinox · 15/09/2021 13:17
Flowers Who’s looking after you?
MatildaTheCat · 15/09/2021 13:17

Well it’s up to you but a) would you be ok if the situation was reversed and b) if (god forbid) something did go wrong would you keep it to yourself? Which then brings you back to point a.

On balance I think you should tell him but you know him and we don’t.

Good luck.

Coffeeisnecessary · 15/09/2021 13:17

There is no harm in keeping it to yourself a while, gather your thoughts. Sending lots of luck to you.

Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse · 15/09/2021 13:18

You're a team. You take the highs and the lows together. You support one another. I would be devastated to find out DH kept a pregnancy from me.
Don't go through this alone. Flowers

HollowTalk · 15/09/2021 13:22

I'd take an hour or two and then tell him. Wishing you all the very best with this pregnancy Flowers

AnneLovesGilbert · 15/09/2021 13:24

We had several losses before getting DD and it never occurred to me not to tell DH as soon as I got a BFP. By the last time we were in the same place - I showed him the stick, he said “oh fuck, here we go again, you okay?” and I said “yep, alright thanks, you?” and we didn’t discuss it again for a bit. That was the keeper in the end but we weren’t at all optimistic and we propped each other up along the way.

It’s not a story we’ll tell DD, I’ll come up with something better, but it is how it went, we’d lost most of our hope for a better ending by then and we were always a strong team.

Wishing you the very very best of luck Flowers

MrsPumpkinSeed · 15/09/2021 13:24

You know yourself best.
Maybe give yourself a week or so if you feel you need that. Then tell him. You don't need to say you've known for a short while.

Wishing you all the best xxx

Original poster
ShushShushShush · 15/09/2021 13:28

We've had a really dreadful time, we often say "for better for worse" to each other when the next thing happens. He's had a difficult time recently emotionally /mentally too.

He'll be so thrilled, if it works out, I think my default is to expect it to go wrong. And at what point do we say "enough now"

Ive not even missed my period yet, he asked when I'm due on a few days ago and I said "in the next week or so" and then did a test so he'll ask probably at the weekend.

It's definitely just needing to gather my thoughts a bit, steel myself and then I can be strong regardless of what happens.

OP posts:
MrsMiddleMother · 15/09/2021 13:39

When I found out I was pregnant with ds2 after a loss I kept it to myself for a couple or days. I tested early so wanted to wait until I'd officially missed my period and then I told dh. Good luck x

Dsisproblem · 15/09/2021 13:40

Sorry for your losses. I'd wait until the missed period, then tell him.

Maray1967 · 15/09/2021 13:40

I understand. I told my DH about a positive test for DS2 after 3 mcs but I went to the six week scan (was in the miscarriage support clinic ) on my own as I couldn’t have stood seeing him upset again . I’d presumed it would be another disaster but I then had to phone him and tell him there was a heartbeat.
I send you best wishes and hope this goes well for you.

IReallyCantThinkOfAnything · 15/09/2021 13:41

Bless you, it must be awful. Do what feels right to you.

Disfordarkchocolate · 15/09/2021 13:41

I think, for now, you do what's best for you. If that means keeping this to yourself for a while then that's fine. Just make sure you have support in place if you need it.

Boombadoom · 15/09/2021 13:47

I voted yabu, because if you do miscarry you will want and need his support. But I understand.

I really hope you have a happy and healthy 9 months and I’m so sorry for your losses OP xxx

Stompythedinosaur · 15/09/2021 13:50

He is entitled to know, and you are entitled to support.

Franklyfrost · 15/09/2021 13:53

There’s no harm in keeping it to yourself. I can understand that.

I worry that you are seeing miscarriages as ’disappointing’ him because it sounds as if you think it’s your fault, which obviously it’s not. You do know that?

MintyGreenDream · 15/09/2021 13:53

I told dh 6 days after I found out

VeryLongBeeeeep · 15/09/2021 13:53

Agree with PPs, take a couple of days to get your head round it yourself, then tell him a day or so after your period would be due.

Everything crossed for you that this is a sticky one, OP Flowers

MoiraNotRuby · 15/09/2021 13:53

Sorry for your losses. Yanbu to keep this to yourself just now. Put your own instincts and feelings first. Sending all the best pregnancy vibes there are.

Spanglybangles · 15/09/2021 13:57

Thus us so hard and has to be your decision, you know your DH best. When I had a mmc found at my 12 week scan, then a chemical a few months later, when I then fell pregnant again, I didn’t tell my OH until a few days before my 12 week scan. A bit controversial to done no doubt, but I know how hard he would find it, he works away from home all week in a largely solitary job and all that alone time allows thing to play on his mind and I know he would have been worried sick which inn turn could affect his already dangerous job. Thankfully he was totally understanding and pretty relieved I think, all was well and baby is now a 7 year old. Do what you think is best for your situation OP. Best of luck to you Flowers

Spanglybangles · 15/09/2021 13:59

This is

Controversial to some

(Fingers too big for phone keyboard)

Waitingforthecowstocomehome · 15/09/2021 14:13

@Ifyoudontlikeitdosomethingelse

You're a team. You take the highs and the lows together. You support one another. I would be devastated to find out DH kept a pregnancy from me. Don't go through this alone. Flowers
This.

Wishing you the very best of luck 🤞🏻

Babyghirl · 15/09/2021 14:21

@ShushShushShush
I know where your coming from I have have 4 miscarriages and 1 cp and I read through a thread on this before and happen to say to my oh if I did not tell you he said he would be annoyed at me if I done that.

He did not ever what me to have the stress all myself but if I tested positive before my period was due I would wait a few days after it was due to tell him.

Sending you all the luck in the world this is your rainbow baby 🍀💚