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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my ex not to move in 100m from me?

31 replies

SweatLikeAPigLookLikeAPig · 14/09/2021 23:42

My ex husband broke up with me over lockdown so I had to stay there until everything re-opened. We have a 6 year old DS so we stayed amicable. I've now moved to a lovely little village 5 mins walk from DS school and we are setting well. Ex DH broke up because he wanted fun, excitement and didn't want to stay settled down. He is military and we have moved 5 times in 9 years of marriage. Suddenly, out of the blue last month he bought a house in my village, 100m from mine. I was totally shocked. This was everything he never wanted. I don't fully understand why he has done it but he keeps saying it's best for DS. I can get on board with that but now he will be everywhere I look, probably with a girlfriend in no time at all, in the village I moved to less than 6 months ago. It feels selfish and unfair to me. How do I move on when he is so close? AIBU to ask him not to do this?

OP posts:
Londonlivingg · 14/09/2021 23:53

I think you must know you are being BU. I mean you can try asking him, but given he has bought the house he will obviously ignore you. You're no longer together, you can't expect him to consider your feelings when leaving a house.

It's nice he wants to be closer to DS. You're just going to have to deal with it

SuperLoudPoppingAction · 14/09/2021 23:55

All you can do is keep good boundaries - don't let him in your house if you don't want a pattern of him wandering in etc

womaninatightspot · 14/09/2021 23:58

I have an ex next door and it's actually quite good for the children who get a lot more freedom of choice. Make friends, drink wine and have a moan about exes/ current partners it's very bonding.

Skippingabeat · 15/09/2021 00:05

My ex lives on the same street, just a few minutes drive.
We're not amicable at all but it's actually very good for the children.
If my daughter forgets something at my home, it's very easy for me to drop it off for her; if she's at a friend's and he can't pick her up, I'll pick her up and drop her at his home... quite convenient

Scottishmum1984 · 15/09/2021 00:07

This would upset me too. Especially when you are trying to make a fresh start Flowers I defo do not think you are being UR

mollycobbles · 15/09/2021 00:09

Although I don't think there is anything you can do about it, I just want to say that I completely sympathise. An ex of mine recently bought a house on my street, and it upset me quite a lot. I dread bumping into him and his new girlfriend so close to home or when I'm looking out my window - it's like I can't escape him and I feel oddly violated, I suppose.
I appreciate it might be good for the dcs, but Thanks for you, OP.

themidnighttrain · 15/09/2021 00:09

YANBU to feel this way. But YABU to do anything about it.

It will be good for DS, and the transaction has already happened.

LivingInLeggingsStill · 15/09/2021 01:11

@londonlivingg he's only just started the process so could withdraw, he hasn't finished buying it. And I would like to think I can ask him to consider my feelings. We are amicable but he also knows he devastated me when he ended our marriage.

Aquamarine1029 · 15/09/2021 01:16

There is nothing you can do about it, but do try to see and take advantage of the positives for your son's sake. If your ex does find a new girlfriend, who cares? He can move on and so can you.

LivingInLeggingsStill · 15/09/2021 01:22

I name changed and now can't change it back, sorry if I have confuse anyone. @mollycobbles yes, exactly, I feel violated, like I can't escape him after he decided he didn't want me and now I have to just put up with it and watch him move on right in front of my face while I struggle to deal with it. He doesn't need to move quite so close. 5 -10 mins feels reasonable and is the next village. He would still have easy access to DS. Also, he's quite the extrovert, very popular, loud, friends with everybody and anybody, oozes charisma and charm. He'll have the village eating out of his hand in no time and I'll be hearing how great he is because of this and that. I just wanted to move on and get my life back on track and it feels like I'll be taunted by his presence in the village. It's almost making me feel like maybe I should put the house on the market if he goes through with it. Not for spite, but for my own mental health. I'm certain it would be taken as spite though.

LivingInLeggingsStill · 15/09/2021 01:24

@Aquamarine1029 I care if he gets a girlfriend. How could I not? I never wanted the marriage to end. It would be devastating for me to watch him be with someone else. Further down the line, perhaps it will be easier but it's still too raw for me.

DontStepOnTheMomeRathz · 15/09/2021 01:24

Is it possible he’s had second thoughts about the break up and is playing some kind of long game?

KosherDill · 15/09/2021 01:35

It sucks for you but will be good for your child. Which is the priority.

JudgeJ · 15/09/2021 10:58

but now he will be everywhere I look, probably with a girlfriend

Doesn't that cut both ways, you'll be everywhere he looks, possibly with a new boyfirend?

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 15/09/2021 11:01

I’d move.

Mumdiva99 · 15/09/2021 11:03

I understand your feelings. They are very valid.

Long term this will be great for your son. But you do need to work through your feelings too. (Will he really be there or is he planning to stay I'm the military and will be off all over the place - which might make it easier).

LivingInLeggingsStill · 15/09/2021 11:24

@JudgeJ no, I don't think it does work both ways, he finished with me, why would he care if I moved on? I care because I didn't want it to end.

Hankunamatata · 15/09/2021 11:34

I think it could be great for dc. Keep good boundaries and try to move on with your own life.

BuffySummersReportingforSanity · 15/09/2021 11:37

I think you will just have to focus on moving on emotionally, for your own sake and your DC. It's a big benefit for your DC to have his DF settled and very close, rather than constantly moving. A short walk away is a big practical difference from a short drive away.

BingeOnChocolate · 15/09/2021 11:52

You've said he's in the military and you've moved many times over the years. It's highly likely he's brought this house, close to his child's school, so he can have a base to have regular contact rather than cart his some up and down the country when he's visiting/seeing him. This way, your son can know where he goes to see his dad, have a bedroom, be close to friends/any clubs he might be attending when with you and his dad can help continue facilitating that when he's with him. I think your ex sounds like he's thought about your child and what's best for his needs long term as most would move away or not see why a stable home for contact is important

PumpkinKlNG · 15/09/2021 11:59

I would be thrilled! As someone’s ex who lives 2 hours away so never bothered with our kids I would be happy with this as it means he can see your child more often. Just because you live near each other doesn’t mean you will see him constantly, I live 5 minutes drive from my sister who I am NC with and I never see her anywhere

LastInTheQueue · 15/09/2021 14:36

I think close will be helpful for you both and your child. Just not too close.

When DP and I were looking for a house, top of the list was somewhere within walking distance of his children (11 & 16). We were incredibly lucky to find something just down the road from them.

Having said that, DP’s ex did tell someone that he was an asshole for moving so close. However, despite being in essence the same road, our roads have different access points and road bollards between them. This means the only way between the two houses is either by foot, or a 5min drive, so everyone still feels like they have their privacy.
It’s like the best of both worlds!

skybluee · 17/09/2021 17:30

I think it's good he's close but 100m is too close and unfair. I'd want to move on not be reminded. Although I suppose with your son you'll be reminded because of contact/access.

thelastgoldeneagle · 17/09/2021 17:35

DH broke up because he wanted fun, excitement and didn't want to stay settled down

And now he's bought a house 100m from you.

I think that's really shit and selfish. He must have known it would upset you? If he wanted to be close to dc, he could have bought a house a bit further away. Or he could have asked you first.

Why not mention it to him, ask him to reconsider?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 17/09/2021 18:39

Maybe he wants your joint child to be easily able to see both parents and be independent in doing so as they grow up. The co-parents that live very close to each other that I know have very flexible arrangements and the children are free to come to go.