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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Contraception aibu

29 replies

underwhelmed1 · 14/09/2021 21:04

I've recently had my second baby (husband's first) We love our little family but are definitely done, which is just as well given we can't afford more and I had a difficult pregnancy with my second which means I definitely shouldn't have a second. We're now 4 months PP and due to my health issues we have a choice between barrier contraceptives (which I don't trust us to use) the non hormonal coil (which I'm not keen on due to recent press coverage and failures) or sterilisation of one or both of us- willing for this either way...

DH doesn't want to do anything and thinks I should insist on the pill which doctor won't consent to given my health issues. I've been on contraception since 15 and now think I've done enough but don't want to put my foot down and never have sex again or rely on us using barriers which often fail. I'm not saying he should get the snip, just wonder if I'm the unreasonable one for not wanting a copper coil which is painful according to Naga Muncherty and causes horrible thrush and pain according to my friends...

OP posts:
dementedpixie · 14/09/2021 21:26

Can you not take any hormonal contraception?
Is the mini pill or mirena coil not an option?

Original poster
underwhelmed1 · 14/09/2021 21:31

No, doctor has told me it's coil or barrier contraceptives for me. I've read a lot of horror stories about coil fitting being excruciating and babies being born holding coils. I don't trust us to use condoms reliably. In my mind it's me getting coil or one of us getting sterilised

OP posts:
qualitygirl · 14/09/2021 21:35

Well for us it made sense for my dh to have the snip. We have a much better sex life now because of it. I couldn't be bothered having to use contraception and then STILL panicking every month if my period was in any way late. We both decided that we didn't want any more, I wasn't pumping my body with unnecessary hormones, I had already been through two births! It was his turn to do something about it...not just me!

dementedpixie · 14/09/2021 21:36

I've had a mirena fitted and although it was uncomfortable it wasn't excruciating. I imagine a copper coil fitting would be similar.

Unanananana · 14/09/2021 21:38

Vasectomy sounds like the best choice in your situation as its similar to mine (no longer want to take hormones, horror stories about the coil etc). Not many health authorities fund female sterilisation anymore looking at you Kent. My DP had his done about twelve weeks ago. 20 minute procedure, two days rest and back to normal. The vast majority are simple and safe.

GoodnightGrandma · 14/09/2021 21:40

My coil fitting was not excruciating, I’ve had far worse smears.
And the babies I delivered, that were conceived when a coil was in situ, the coil was embedded in the placenta.

ShrimpBarbarian · 14/09/2021 21:40

@underwhelmed1

No, doctor has told me it's coil or barrier contraceptives for me. I've read a lot of horror stories about coil fitting being excruciating and babies being born holding coils. I don't trust us to use condoms reliably. In my mind it's me getting coil or one of us getting sterilised
Sure! Babies born holding coils... if you're going to write such things, I'm not sure you are actually old enough to have 1 let alone 2 dc!

www.snopes.com/fact-check/baby-born-holding-iud/

She said it would be impossible, however, for a newborn to be delivered holding such a device because there would be no way for the IUD to get inside the amniotic sac, a fluid-filled membrane that envelops a fetus while it grows inside the womb.

AnneLovesGilbert · 14/09/2021 21:41

We use condoms and DH is planning the snip at some point. After we had DD I didn’t want to go back on the pill and you couldn’t pay me to have the coil. I’ve done the contraception stuff all these years and I’m only fertile a couple of days a month while DH is fertile 24/7/365 so he’s happy taking responsibility.

Why are you worried about condoms?

FaintlyMacabre · 14/09/2021 21:48

To add to the anecdotes, I’ve had a copper coil for about 5 years now with no problems at all. It wasn’t painful going in and my periods have been essentially pain free since- and I haven’t got pregnant or had thrush! For me it’s been a better option than any of the others, unfortunately it’s impossible to say beforehand if you’ll be one of the ones it works well for.

RichardMarxisinnocent · 14/09/2021 21:59

Could you double up on barrier contraception if you don't trust condoms? So a cervical cap plus condoms? Or if it fits you. a caya diaphragm plus condoms?

EmmalineC · 15/09/2021 13:32

My last child was conceived with the coil in. She didn’t come out holding it, it was in the placenta. I didn’t find out I was pregnant until 18 weeks and DH had the snip a few days after she was born.

She was delightful surprise in our case, but if you’re absolutely sure you want no more children, then sterilisation is the answer.

Mumnow1 · 17/09/2021 13:48

Be careful with the coil, I've just fallen pregnant with it. From what I've read it seems to not be overly great. If you get it make sure you check the threads monthly without fail. Or I would double up on contraceptives if you do not want anymore kids.

loafcake · 17/09/2021 13:52

I'm not loving the fact your husband is insisting you get the pill! Even when he knows the doctor won't even prescribe it due to health issues!!

It shouldn't only fall on your shoulders to get birth control, a vasectomy is reversible (should you ever decide you can afford/do want more) and minimally invasive and sounds like your best option in these circumstances. Husband needs to consider you as well as him

Rosesareyellow · 17/09/2021 13:53

I don't trust us to use condoms reliably.

What do you mean by that?
I guess you and your partner are out of options then. Abstinence it is 🤷‍♀️

RazorSharp · 17/09/2021 14:05

So despite your doctor telling you not to use hormonal contraceptives due to an ongoing issue, your DH thinks you should insist?

That would be contraception for me, why would you want to shag someone who doesn't care about your health?

StrawBeretMoose · 17/09/2021 14:07

I would use condoms properly. I don't understand why you can't, there are loads of different types available.
It might interrupt proceedings for a moment but worth it.

Sterilisation is a big step and I wouldn't do it for anyone else and wouldn't ask anyone else to undergo surgery however minor some might consider it to be, unless they wanted to.
Unfortunately not all relationships last and either of you could change your mind about more children in future, reversal is not guaranteed.

2bazookas · 17/09/2021 14:44

Tell him you're going to get sterilised. Privately to avoid waiting lists. He must pay half.

DamnUserName21 · 18/09/2021 11:30

So no hormonal contraceptives (implant, injection or pill).
No coil.
No condoms or cap.
That leaves abstinence , vasectomy, or sterilisation for you.
Vasectomy being the more practical and likely.

girlmom21 · 18/09/2021 11:42

I vote vasectomy!

KatieC0811 · 19/09/2021 10:12

Have you ever tried natural family planning methods?
I didn't get on with any contraceptives (so many side effects, mental health complications ect) and found tracking my fertility the best method for me! Once you get used to your body, its fairly straightforward and basically second nature. In almost 6 years, I had 1 scare which turned out to be a tummy bug!

CPDubs · 19/09/2021 10:34

We used natural family planning methods for a while once I had my Mirena out. I did not get on well with ours but only realised how much so once it was removed. If you do natural family planning you need to be certain of your cycle to ensure that you don’t have sex near ovulation.

I have been on a lot of hormonal contraceptions since 17 and I will not be going back on anything. I went through both ops for female and male sterilisation so hubby could see and he agreed a vasectomy was far less invasive. I’m nearly 27 weeks and once this baby is here safely he will be booking himself in Grin

MinnieMountain · 19/09/2021 11:02

I had heavy periods with the copper coil, then got worried about the pregnancy risk. Hated hormonal contraception.

DH agreed to have a vasectomy as I’m on medication which causes birth defects. Although I am pro-choice, I didn’t want to risk going through the emotions involved in having to have an abortion due to my anti-cancer medication.

vivainsomnia · 19/09/2021 11:11

Well vase Tony is only an option if he is happy with it and 100% certain he never ever wants another child.

kitkatsky · 23/01/2022 20:41

@ShrimpBarbarian my GP told me similar too. Is there any need to be so aggressive and arsey? Maybe me and OP have received wrong or outdated information but this isn't the same as repeating some rubbish off YouTube. There was no need for your comment

Sugarplumfairy65 · 23/01/2022 20:44

@GoodnightGrandma

My coil fitting was not excruciating, I’ve had far worse smears. And the babies I delivered, that were conceived when a coil was in situ, the coil was embedded in the placenta.
Not a lot if point to the coil then Grin