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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect OH to get married without his family

53 replies

fugginell · 14/09/2021 18:09

Expecting our third baby was a bit of a surprise!as we wanted to get married next year on holiday. However that isn't going to happen now, I refuse to have another baby without being married not that it's a massive deal it's just something I want for myself.

I have said let's just go to the registry office me and you and get it done. Don't need to tell anyone if he doesn't want to then after the baby is here have a little ceremony on holiday as planned.

We don't really have many friends it's just me and OH his brother mum & dad and probably my mum. I don't really want to invite people to a registry office then go home.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Bobsyer · 14/09/2021 18:31

YABU.

And it’s not really a strong bargaining chip to say you want to be married before the THIRD child is born!

Sciurus83 · 14/09/2021 18:33

YABU.

Why can't you invite them if he wants his mum there? You can have a really small wedding, why wouldn't you if it's important to him, you've given no reason not to.

Original poster
fugginell · 14/09/2021 18:34

I think it's me I have this fear of it being awkward. I don't really talk to OH other brother so we will have to invite him. We're not really a close close family.

OP posts:
ClandestineAdulation · 14/09/2021 18:36

YABU

You need to respect that he wants his family there

1990b · 14/09/2021 18:37

@fugginell

I think it's me I have this fear of it being awkward. I don't really talk to OH other brother so we will have to invite him. We're not really a close close family.
You don't need to be close to his brother or any other member of his family. But you do need to respect the fact that they are his family and he will likely want them to be there.

Also it will be more awkward if you did get married and didn't tell them.

SpaceshiptoMars · 14/09/2021 18:40

Unless they are opposing the marriage, it's better to invite immediate family. If they are the sort that will demand you alter any plans you come up with, and then not turn up once you've changed things to suit them - spare yourself the grief!

saltedcaramelanything · 14/09/2021 18:44

You don't need to be close to his brother or any other member of his family. But you do need to respect the fact that they are his family and he will likely want them to be there.

This.

You don't need to be close with his family. But if he's said he wants them there, you need to respect that.

trevthecat · 14/09/2021 18:51

Just invite both mums as witnesses.
I'm all for eloping, we did this a few months back, completely just us, strangers as witnesses but you dp wants his mum there

TaraR2020 · 14/09/2021 18:58

Why don't you do what my friend did?

They booked a fancy meal with their closest family members only, told them to dress up and meet them early. At which point they went to registry office first.

You would only need to invite those you want, it's more of an occasion than going home immediately and it's intimate.

accentdusoleil · 14/09/2021 19:00

Sounds a lot about what you want. Surely it should be a combination of you're and his wishes

Original poster
fugginell · 14/09/2021 19:05

@TaraR2020 I really like that idea.

OP posts:
urbanbuddha · 14/09/2021 19:06

Go to the registry office with his mum, dad, brother, your mum and children. Both mums can be witnesses. His dad and brother can look after the children while you get married. It's just a short legal ceremony. His dad and brother can take photos of before and after. Then all go for lunch. Job done. Have a big party whenever if you want.

Antinerak · 14/09/2021 19:22

Dh and I got married with his mum, dad and sister there. He has more siblings and I have family but it worked for us to have 3 guests.

Why not have his parents and siblings there and have a holiday or seperate celebration with more guests another time? Does he not want to get married at the registry office?

Original poster
fugginell · 14/09/2021 22:03

any ideas in regards to this, cheaper room we're going for allows up to 8 guests, we can get the bigger room for up to 58 for an extra £200. But don't see the point for one more person.

Mum
MIL
FIL
BIL
BIL X 2 Nephews
DD
DS

Is it out of order to just invite BIL and nephews to the meal? We're really close to other BIL and both MIL & FIL.

OP posts:
urbanbuddha · 14/09/2021 22:42

Just explain you're only allowed up to 8 guests and he and his children would put you over that number but you really hope they'll be able to join you for the meal.

MiddleClassProblem · 14/09/2021 23:52

Do you need to include the nephews? If they are good entertainment for your kids or you are close to them despite not being close to BIL then sure but otherwise it may not be necessary.

MiddleClassProblem · 14/09/2021 23:53

Sorry forgot to say, I do think it’s mean to leave out one brother

sweeneytoddsrazor · 15/09/2021 00:10

Probably leave out the nephews

BatshitBanshee · 15/09/2021 00:27

Just do the pair of you, your parents and your kids & see the others after, citing constraints on numbers able to be in the room.

And friendly reminder that this is also his wedding and not just about you & what you want. His wants also matter.

Sciurus83 · 16/09/2021 16:15

Ceremony with just parents and your kids, BILs and nephews meet you for meal afterwards. It won't be awkward, sounds nice actually!

Knittedfairies · 16/09/2021 16:18

How old are the nephews?

ditalini · 16/09/2021 16:21

Just divide it on generational lines, that way noone is offended. So:

Ceremony:
Your mum, MIL, FIL
Your children

If you go for a meal afterwards (which would be nice), then it's the wedding party plus BILs & nephews - they could meet you outside the registry office and scatter confetti if you want to make it more celebratory.

I think having one BIL at the ceremony and not the other would be a bit awks.

ditalini · 16/09/2021 16:22

I wouldn't angst too much over the BILs seeing as if you had your way they wouldn't be there to see you get married anyway.

Ozanj · 16/09/2021 16:26

@fugginell

any ideas in regards to this, cheaper room we're going for allows up to 8 guests, we can get the bigger room for up to 58 for an extra £200. But don't see the point for one more person.

Mum
MIL
FIL
BIL
BIL X 2 Nephews
DD
DS

Is it out of order to just invite BIL and nephews to the meal? We're really close to other BIL and both MIL & FIL.

cancel your Mum then. If you don’t want to do that pick anothe venue
bellabasset · 16/09/2021 16:42

How old are your dcs & the nephews? I'm wondering if your dcs could be excluded as guests if they're being bridesmaid and page boy

If you don't want a main meal you could book afternoon tea in a hotel, which can be a lovely alternative and have a glass of bubbly or cocktail.