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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not many friends- embarrassed/reluctant to organise my wedding

72 replies

Duetowed22 · 14/09/2021 16:30

I have been engaged for a couple of years. Had a baby after getting engaged and then with the obvious current situation we decided to wait longer. To be honest, I felt comfortable putting it off repeatedly as I don't have many friends (there are maybe one or two people I am close enough with, and they don't actually even know each other). I am embarrassed about this and I think this is the main reason I have put off my wedding for so long.

Now we are looking at making lists for inviting people, my partner has a good few mates, lots of them in couples. I was close to tears earlier thinking about how few people I would be actually writing down. Felt really sad, actually.

I dont have a "bride tribe", or a list of people waiting to be my bridesmaids (obviously - need plenty of mates for that), but I have my good friend and my cousin who I would definitely like to be beside me on the day.

Is this in any way normal? Does anyone have any advice for not feeling so down about this?

OP posts:
girlmom21 · 14/09/2021 16:33

DP has loads of good friends. I have, I'd say, 2 friends who I'd want to invite to my wedding. One of those was DP's friend first.

It's a bit crap but at least you're not the only one Smile

WTF475878237NC · 14/09/2021 16:36

Hi OP,

Firstly congratulations on your upcoming marriage.

Could you have a small wedding without having the traditional "sides" down the aisle so it won't be staring you in the face? It must feel sad not to have many people you are close to, whether this is common or not.

I have been to weddings where the bride has told me she didn't know over half the people there and they were mainly acquaintances of her in laws!

Comparison is the thief of joy. Focus instead on how the people there love you and will be so happy to be a part of your special day.

Lunificent · 14/09/2021 16:37

Would you enjoy a small family only wedding?
Do you want to be married? I’ve been with my partner 27 years but I’m not married.

Lunificent · 14/09/2021 16:37

Would you enjoy a small family only wedding?
Do you want to be married? I’ve been with my partner 27 years but I’m not married.

RedskyThisNight · 14/09/2021 16:39

Just have a small wedding with close friends and family then.
Why spend money on something that's going to stress you out and you won't enjoy?
Having bridesmaids is also not obligatory (but sounds like your cousin and friend would be perfect!).

And surely some of your partners friends are your friends as well by now?

Jerseygirl12 · 14/09/2021 16:39

Most of my friends didn’t know each other, I invited them all and they went to my wedding. I didn’t have any bridesmaids or a hen do because I didn’t want to. I had a lovely wedding, I do have a big family so had lots of relatives snd so did my DH.

SeriouslyISuppose · 14/09/2021 16:42

You don’t have to have a particular type of wedding — I have loads of friends, as does DH, and we got married with just two witnesses.

Logoplanter · 14/09/2021 16:42

We had a small, family only wedding. Our only friends there were a couple who were friends of both DH and myself equally.

We then had a party on a different day where we invited friends and work colleagues etc. Would something similar work for you? We didn't offend anyone that way either by only inviting some people to the evening do etc (at least I think we didn't!)

Sweetchocolatecandy · 14/09/2021 16:42

Hi OP, I’m the same as you. I don’t have tons of friends and neither does my partner as we’re both quite introverted, so we’re just having a small wedding with a few family and friends which suits us both better than a big extravagant do! I’m not having bridesmaids, a MOH or even a hen night- I just want to get married to my partner.Honestly, just do what’s right for you and your DH. Good luck!

SalsaLove · 14/09/2021 16:42

Congratulations OP! This happened to me and I just ignored it. We had 19 of my DH family and friends and only my sister on my side. Just don’t give a damn. Many people don’t have lots of friends, and there’s no shame in that. You are good enough just as you are. 💐

Original poster
Duetowed22 · 14/09/2021 16:43

@WTF475878237NC is that how it works, there are "sides"? Oh lord this is getting worse!! I don't think I would encourage that anyway to be honest.

I really have no clue how it works as I haven't been to many weddings at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Duetowed22 · 14/09/2021 16:44

@SalsaLove thank you so much Smile

OP posts:
maxelly · 14/09/2021 16:45

Honestly this is so normal, I really believe having family and maybe a couple of close friends is the norm once you are in your late 20s/30s/have DC and the people with huge 'tribes' and 10 bridesmaids are the exception, not the rule! Plus surely as you have been together for years and are getting married your 'DP's friends' are really your friends too, even if through circumstances or whatever they knew him first?

I think small-ish weddings, mainly family in attendence with some friends/colleagues/acquiantances and 2, max 3 bridesmaids are so much classier and nicer anyway, sounds absolutely perfect to me and is what the majority of 'real world' weddings I've been to have had rather than the huge cast productions you see on telly. I really don't think anyone will be judging but anyway you really don't have to do 'brides side' and 'grooms side' or a formal seating plan or any of that nonsense that makes it obviously one 'side' is bigger than the other if you don't want to so I doubt many people will even notice. Or if you'd prefer do a really small ceremony with just immediate family in attendance (or even just you, DP and 2 x witnesses) and then a bigger more informal party afterwards if that would feel better to you - remember the more important thing is the lifelong commitment you and DP are making, not all the stuff around it, naturally that tends to be the focus in the lead-up but really it's so much set dressing so try not to worry about it too much! Flowers

GiveMeAUserName123 · 14/09/2021 16:46

It’s normal, some people don’t have a lot of friends.

You don’t make a side list, you make a list together, solves that problem straight away as you must know the names of peoples your DH is friends with.

ThanksItHasPockets · 14/09/2021 16:46

Do you actually want a wedding? Lots of people don't. You could marry very simply with only close friends and family.

Original poster
Duetowed22 · 14/09/2021 16:51

@ThanksItHasPockets I actually do want a wedding, just not a big one I guess, that's the thing. We have two young DC also and it means a huge amount to me that they will be there to see us get married.

OP posts:
DoylyCarte · 14/09/2021 16:51

Aw op sorry you feel like this Flowers Why not do a fabulous romantic eloping to somewhere like Gretna Green and stay in an incredible hotel just the two of you with some randoms to witness (I’ve seen people ask MN for witnesses!)? Or Vegas (when us borders reopen)? Also agree with pp suggestion of a small, intimate family wedding which imo is a beautiful and special thing.

This is meant to be a happy and celebratory day of your relationship, not a spectator sport. If the thought of a “traditional” wedding makes you feel uncomfortable for any reason then arrange something that will bring you pleasure and not negative feelings.

There are lots of options out there for a small do, the main thing is that you and your future husband will both be there!

MojoMoon · 14/09/2021 16:52

Presumably the only other person who needs to be involved in seeing the invite list is your partner?

So what do you need to be embarrassed about? He presumably is aware of who your friends are. And he still wants to marry you!

Is it more that you wish to have more friends in your normal daily life - eg do you feel you are missing something?

You can still make friends after getting married - a wedding is about a moment in time, it's not a permanent setting of who your friends are. In ten years time, you may barely remember who some of your partner's friends who were there are. They may move away or so on and drift apart.

Nothing in a wedding is obligatory apart from the legal requirements.

Don't have an aisle with one side or another. Just have an informal seating arrangement, invite people you like. No need to have a squad of bridesmaids - it's not required. Just have what you want not what you think other people expect you to have

I have been to approximately a million weddings and the only thing your guests will care about is the quality and quantity of food and drink, a decent playlist if there is dancing and not having to wait an unfathomably long time between the ceremony and being fed. They are not there counting whose friends are whose or whatever you are fearing.

Or just scrap even having a reception and nip down the town hall to get legally married with a couple of witnesses.

It's the quality of the marriage not the wedding day that counts

Wondergirl100 · 14/09/2021 16:52

op = the key thing is your love for your partner. I got married at a town hall with literally close family and my kids - then had a lovely lunch on a beach. There were no 'sides' - there were about 10 people.

The best thing is if you only have a couple of friends you can have a super cosy intimate wedding with a really nice meal in a restaurant and it wont cost the earth

There were people at my wedding I have never seen since - the whole thing is ludicrous.

Trinacham · 14/09/2021 16:58

You shouldn't be worried. I am very shy and struggle with keeping close friendships, I think because they have to make all the effort! I had my sister and 2 sister-in-laws as bridesmaids. DH has about 3 close mates. Most of our wedding guests were family and joint work friends (DH and I are colleagues). I think it did worry me a bit beforehand that it would be obvious I didn't have close friends, but when the day came I was just concentrating on the wedding and marrying my best friend. I didn't think about it on the day.

Lollypop701 · 14/09/2021 17:02

You can make a small wedding so personal! As favours my friends have got lollipops that looked like the guests, a photo booth with accessories, an artist to do caricatures, a magician … not all at one wedding but I love small weddings, you get to know people

Ednadidit · 14/09/2021 17:02

I felt this, too. Luckily lockdown hit and we were limited to very few guests and no reception which took away the pressure 😂 I didn’t have bridesmaids, groomsmen, best man… we just did what we wanted. Make your wedding what you want and what will make you happy.

YouTubeAddict · 14/09/2021 17:09

I didn’t have loads of people to invite, neither did DH either. However, apart from two people at our wedding we still regularly either see in person or speak on SM to everyone else. That amounts to around 35 people.

Calmdown14 · 14/09/2021 17:57

There are lots of places that are great for small weddings. Registry offices often have smaller rooms for this and sometimes they are beautiful.
As you have young kids, do you want the big do and dancing?
You could book a later ceremony at say 3pm then go straight to a restaurant to a private area or room and have drinks, dinner, conversation. All nice and relaxed
Then grandparents take kids home and you and hubby go to a nice hotel for the night

Original poster
Duetowed22 · 14/09/2021 18:45

@Calmdown14 this is exactly what I was thinking, I suppose I just didn't know if it was "acceptable".

OP posts:
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