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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not many friends- embarrassed/reluctant to organise my wedding

72 replies

Duetowed22 · 14/09/2021 16:30

I have been engaged for a couple of years. Had a baby after getting engaged and then with the obvious current situation we decided to wait longer. To be honest, I felt comfortable putting it off repeatedly as I don't have many friends (there are maybe one or two people I am close enough with, and they don't actually even know each other). I am embarrassed about this and I think this is the main reason I have put off my wedding for so long.

Now we are looking at making lists for inviting people, my partner has a good few mates, lots of them in couples. I was close to tears earlier thinking about how few people I would be actually writing down. Felt really sad, actually.

I dont have a "bride tribe", or a list of people waiting to be my bridesmaids (obviously - need plenty of mates for that), but I have my good friend and my cousin who I would definitely like to be beside me on the day.

Is this in any way normal? Does anyone have any advice for not feeling so down about this?

OP posts:

Ticksallboxes · 14/09/2021 23:20

I should also mention that one of the seasoned wedding goers at our do said the very worst weddings she has been to have been rich ones with hundreds of guests.

She said no one tends to really know anyone else and you got the feeling that if you left early no one would actually have noticed.

BadLad · 14/09/2021 23:45

My cousin got married to a woman who clearly has way more friends than he does. They made the mistake of doing sides. The photos of the church look like the battle lines at Thermopylae.

maddening · 14/09/2021 23:50

Tbh it does not take a lot to fill up a guest list, start writing it out, 40 each side, once you have parents, siblings and partners, cousins, aunts and uncles, godparents, allow children etc you will not have much room left. 80 is a fine number for a wedding.

Sweetchocolatecandy · 15/09/2021 00:05

@maddening

This is very assumptive. Not everyone is from a large family with loads of cousins, aunts, siblings etc. so it might not be as easy as you’re trying to make out for a lot of people. And 80 to me sounds like a big wedding, I would hate to have that many people there.

slightlyworriedthissunday · 15/09/2021 00:29

@maddening there is simply no way I could have named 80 people to attend my wedding.

Or if we could they’d have been thinking ‘why on earth have they invited me?!’

tinytoucan · 15/09/2021 01:04

Do what you feel comfortable with. I have fewer friends than my husband and actually ended up inviting a couple of people I was friends with a few years previously but had lost contact with. I haven’t seen them since and really wish I hadn’t invited them! I really wish I’d stuck just to those people who were actually important in our lives at the time (that includes the random relatives we felt we “should” invite but 8 years later have never met my kids ) a smaller wedding with the people you love is so much nicer.

We didn’t do the bride/groom sides thing though, and to be honest most weddings I’ve been too in recent years haven’t either so it definitely wouldn’t be odd if you don’t.

Panda8383 · 15/09/2021 04:21

Congratulations on your upcoming wedding :) I was the same as you, had a small group
of friends, had a small hen do with a weekend away, you and your two bridesmaids could always do a weekend just for the 3 of you..I only had 5 at mine, had a small wedding of 33 with my two wee ones, thinking back now If I was to do it again I’d have even less lol! It will be your day so plan how big or as little as you want, the important thing is getting married so try to be kind to yourself and don’t focus on anything else or anyone else x

alwayswrighty · 15/09/2021 06:24

At our wedding we had family only, and then some friends for cake and a toast in the evening. So at the ceremony was 10 people including us, and in the evening an additional 10, so 20 in total. Neither of us are tolerant of fake people.

winetomorrow · 15/09/2021 06:34

We invited our friends and family to a party at our house, kept it casual, got a couple of our favourite people to come earlier (and mil who would never have forgiven us otherwise) and booked a celebrant... we got married in our garden then our friends all arrived throughout the day and we had a lovely party and surprise celebration with us. Weddings can and should be how you want it to be :)

sofato5miles · 15/09/2021 06:36

@winetomorrow that sounds so lovely!

winetomorrow · 15/09/2021 06:52

Thanks @sofato5miles it really was :) With hindsight, the only things I would have changed would have been 1. Get self ready before starting cooking (lost track of time, still had wet hair and no make up when celebrant arrived) and 2. Organise a photographer or at least nominate someone to make sure to get photos of everyone that came. Otherwise it was perfect :)

Pastnowfuture · 15/09/2021 07:37

Nothing to ne asjamed of at all! You have 2 special people who love you. I never wanted a big wedding. I invited 5 friends and my husband 4. No partners. We invited parents, siblings (one each) and 2 aunts. No cousins as we aren't close. It was lovely as we got to spend proper time with everyone we loved. One cousin of my OHs took the huff but I'd never even met him and my husband had seen him once in 7 years so it didn't bother us. However neither of us wanted a big wedding so I guess I would ask yourself what kind of wedding you want. Also lots of weddings don't have sides anymore. I'm sure someone has probably mentioned but there is often a sign saying pick a seat not a side x

Original poster

Duetowed22 · 15/09/2021 09:13

@winetomorrow that sounds great. I have considered this as we've just moved into our forever home and it has a beautiful big garden which I would love to use. Can you tell me a bit more about how you arranged it all? Did you have to hire chairs etc for the seated ceremony etc? Catering?

OP posts:

LemonFantaGin · 15/09/2021 09:14

Small, intimate weddings are the best weddings imo.

PlantDoctor · 15/09/2021 09:15

We had 45 at our wedding including us. Almost all family. Honestly it was the perfect size for us as we could spend time with everyone. Still felt like a rush, so no idea how people with massive weddings see everyone during the day!

furbabymama87 · 15/09/2021 09:21

I was the same, it used to stress me out thinking of it. Ive been a sahm for years and don't really go out socially so haven't made friends over the last few years and the friends I do have, have drifted. In the end, I could only invite ten people and I have 4 kids so half was taken up by that, then we both just had parents and siblings, so that was that. I think more and more people want small weddings these days, you could just say you want to keep things intimate and save money and there's nothing wrong with that.

TheDogsMother · 15/09/2021 09:21

Because our families are different sizes we opted to have a small wedding of just 15. DH has siblings, nephews, nieces, great nephews etc so to even up the numbers I would have been inviting loads of cousins and their kids and soon we were into 100+. We decided just to keep it small and it was it was just as well really as we ended up getting married at the second attempt last year due to Covid ! The nice thing was with small numbers we could spend more on the venue and lovely food and wine choices.

Itsbeen84yearss · 15/09/2021 09:22

I had two ex colleagues and their husbands at mine. Dh had more but we kept it as a small wedding and didn’t really have ‘sides’. We did a u shape arrangement for the meal in the evening. You’re not alone with the no friends thing

winetomorrow · 15/09/2021 09:32

We had about 16 fold up chairs anyway (from merging households, we prioritised outside living!) and brought out the dining room ones, I did all the cooking, I looked at caterers but really didn't want to pay eg $6 for 1 tiny pie when I could buy 12 gourmet pies for $20 and heat them up, but I also like cooking and made mini lasagnes and pastries and cheese boards and just had lots of things that I made in the morning and could be warmed and brought out every 20/30 mins or so. The nicest thing was, it was our friends and a party and if they needed/wanted something they would have just gone inside to get it and if they were hungry they went inside, warmed another platter to bring outside and everyone was happy :)

dAYOutEr · 15/09/2021 09:45

Congratulations! Your situation sounds very similar to mine. I can honestly say I do not have many close friends and neither does my husband. When I married (back in 2005) I felt obliged to invite friends of friends to add the numbers up. Now, in retrospect, I wish I hadn't. When I look back on the photographs and see people that I no longer like, or have no contact with, my thoughts are "why did I invite them?" I now think that maybe we should have just gone away and had a small ceremony quietly with my closest family members.

If you are not seriously close to people then don't invite them. Nor feel pressured into have the 'traditional' bridesmaids, best man, etc. This is yours and your partners BIG day and hopefully a day for you to look back on for years to come. You need to be able to remember that the reason you are getting married is because you are to be as one forever. Not because society expects you to do it a certain way, because the girl down the street had 6 bridesmaids, or that your cousin had the church decked out in loads of flowers! It doesn't matter. It is as individual as each of us and as long as it makes both of you happy then do what you want. There is nothing to stop you from having a party/get together with other people later. Even having separate events/meals out to 'celebrate' with other friends/aquaintances.

This is your day - make it the most memorable for you. x

Best of luck, hope you get want you want xx

GladAllOver · 15/09/2021 09:48

Congratulations on your planned marriage. And congratulations on not having to organise hundreds of guests (and pay for them). An intimate ceremony with just family and a few close friends can be a wonderful and memorable occasion.

Calmdown14 · 15/09/2021 13:02

I think small (or big) are the easier options. It is mid level where once you invite one cousin you have to invite them all where it gets tricky.
It's your day and small children are a great excuse!
We were lucky to find a small family run hotel (our families were at opposite ends of country so we did it in the middle) so we got married at the registry office down the road but went back there for drinks and then meal. They were amazing. Even made us a cake and personalised their set menu with our names and the date. My dad said a few words but no formal speeches. Lovely garden for pics

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