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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to offer help with deposit, rather than a bed

46 replies

JustLyra · 13/09/2021 17:55

For background - my siblings and I had an abusive childhood. Our parents were drug addled alcoholics. My father was sadistic and violent, my mother was a nasty enabler. I'm the youngest of four, my eldest brother is 9 years older than me (one of my earliest memories was being given the nickname 'the mistake' by my father) and was 7 when we were taken by my grandparents when they realised how bad it had got thanks to my teacher.

A number of years ago my father was terminally ill in a hospice. My sister decided to visit him. This led to eldest brother decreeing we all should. I've been cut out (after a lot of shouting, threats, and nastiness) for refusing anything to do with visiting him, organising or attending his funeral. It was a very, very nasty time with some really horrible stuff being said and done. Mostly by eldest brother, but other brother and sister backed him up.

Eldest brother married young and his wife doted on me. In my teens she was like a cross between a big sister and an Aunty. As my GP's were old she was the one who helped me buy fashionable clothes and talked me through the range of sanitary products. It was very upsetting losing contact with her and my nieces and nephews over the saga with my siblings (she was banned from contact with me).

There was an incident where my brother assaulted his wife. She left him and came with my nieces and nephews to stay with us while she sorted out somewhere to live. Sadly after a couple of months she decided to take him back. At that point one of my nephews, who was almost 15, refused to return to the family home. He has lived with us since. My brother was extremely nasty to his own son - he even tried to sabotage the process of nephew showing he was financially estranged from his parents when he wanted to go to uni.

One of my nieces has now realised what a vile bully her father is. She has asked to come and stay with us until she saves for a deposit for a rental flat. She thinks it would take her around five or six months as she works very part time around college.

However since taking in nephew I have a younger child who is severely disabled, plus my MIL now lives with us. Lockdown was horrendous last year with everyone home all the time, medical appointments coming out of my ears and stress levels extremely high. We're just about getting everyone back on an even keel. I'm not entirely sure I could cope with my brother starting on me again - when nephew moved in here we ended up having to call the police 11 times when he turned up.

Would it be really shitty to say that we can't put her up, but we could give/lend her the deposit for a roomshare or flat? Technically we have space as the four eldest, including nephew, are at Uni, but they all come home in the holidays so then it would be a nightmare as my niece doesn't get on with any of the other teens. That may change now that she's realised what her Dad is like, but she's said and done some horrific stuff to her brother over the last few years so having them both here isn't an option really.
At the same time though she's 18 so not helping her seems really crap.

OP posts:

Original poster

JustLyra · 13/09/2021 17:55

That's long, sorry!

OP posts:

GoodnightGrandma · 13/09/2021 17:58

I think you should help her in any way you can. You don’t want her to end up in a nasty situation because she’s gone to a less than ideal place.

Blackkbird · 13/09/2021 17:59

it would be a nightmare as my niece doesn't get on with any of the other teens. That may change now that she's realised what her Dad is like, but she's said and done some horrific stuff to her brother over the last few years so having them both here isn't an option really.

This bit stood out to me.

I agree with you, offer her the money for a deposit, but don't allow her to move in.

GoodnightGrandma · 13/09/2021 18:00

Can she come to you until the next holiday at least, then look at getting her somewhere ?

Hothammock · 13/09/2021 18:01

I think that would be very kind and she will really appreciate it. She might actually prefer that to living with you anyway. To make sure she doesn't think you don't like her as much as you do your nephew (she may have negative thought patterns due to abusive background) be sure to explain that your circumstances are challenging at home but you want to support her on her way and would like to do this for her.

Just bear in mind you might not be shielded entirely from the anger of your brother if he finds out.

XelaM · 13/09/2021 18:02

You sound lovely OP. Absolutely do what's best for you and sorry your family situation is so difficult

Gazelda · 13/09/2021 18:02

You are an amazing woman with the biggest heart. I hope you know that.

As to your niece, no, I don't think it would be a bad idea to offer her the deposit instead.

Why don't you meet her away from the home, lend her your ear and then explain that you want to offer her the money instead. Tell her you love her just as much as her brother. But be honest about your current capacity to deal with the inevitable fallout.

I hope she is as thoughtful and compassionate as you are, and accepts your generosity with understanding.

Hothammock · 13/09/2021 18:03

Just adding to my post, when you explain your offer of helping with the deposit, I suggest you say that you are in a position to be able to help in this way on this occasion.... You want to protect yourself from any assumptions in future.
This is a complex situation and it won't end here!

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/09/2021 18:03

I'd be happy to offer her the use of her brothers room in your house whilst he is at uni. He and her can discuss dates he is coming back. She could always bunk with a friend or get a long term air bnb while he is back.

Only suggesting the above as you've supported her brother so it would be nice to offer her the same at a time she needs it.

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/09/2021 18:06

I think a deposit it the way to go. You are not an endless well of support.

Dillydollydingdong · 13/09/2021 18:07

Excellent idea! Well done, you splendid woman.

Planty13 · 13/09/2021 18:11

YANBU for feeling like it is too much for you. You have so so much on your plate and must be so fed up.

If you can help financially, I would offer that first but if she works very part time and is young then it is unlikely she’ll get approved for many of any properties

Original poster

JustLyra · 13/09/2021 18:13

Just bear in mind you might not be shielded entirely from the anger of your brother if he finds out.

I have a fear that I'll cop it from him regardless of what I do sadly.

That's the one thing I can't/won't do. If I did put her up she'd have to be in my girls' room. She deliberately damaged DN's possessions when she was here for a birthday party and has twice damaged his car (at the suggestion of her father). If she stayed, even briefly, it would be on the understanding that she stayed out of his room (he shares with DS who is also at uni) until he has trust in her again.
Communication between them is also zero as DN had to block her everywhere because she was, to be frank, vile to him.

I really want to help her. She's 18. He's a bully in his 50's. But I just feel sick at the thought of the upheaval and nightmare this is going to cause. My brother is going to blame me regardless (I still, after years, get the blame for everything and have had to tell people to stop telling me the stories of what he blames me for).

OP posts:

DeathStare · 13/09/2021 19:28

I'd give her the bed to be honest. I think that might be the best way to help her build bridges with the other DC. Plus she is likely to be very vulnerable having just come out of an abusive household. And from what you have said, I think her father may well turn up wherever she is living. It would be awful - and possibly- dangerous for her to have to face that alone.

Also you say you could give her a deposit, but right now could she afford ongoing rent and bills?

Sorry OP but yes I'd let her stay - with some conditions attached.

ChicChaos · 13/09/2021 19:32

I wouldn't let her stay, not with her history of damaging her brother's stuff. At some point you have to put yourself first, OP, and not attract trouble to your own door (because it sounds like this would set your brother off again, and you may have the siblings causing issues with each other as well).

WildfirePonie · 13/09/2021 21:52

She deliberately damaged DN's possessions when she was here for a birthday party and has twice damaged his car

No. I wouldn't let her stay.

Blackkbird · 13/09/2021 22:19

@DeathStare

Also you say you could give her a deposit, but right now could she afford ongoing rent and bills?

Sorry OP but yes I'd let her stay - with some conditions attached.

To the detriment of the rest of the household who don't get on with her?

DeathStare · 13/09/2021 22:30

@Blackkbird - they aren't there, they're away at uni. It gives her three months until Christmas to start repairing relationships with them from a distance

Blackkbird · 13/09/2021 22:47

That is an extremely idealistic view.

Original poster

JustLyra · 13/09/2021 22:50

Her father is likely to turn up wherever she is, but that includes here. The last person (as far as I know) that he was arrested for being physically violent to was me, so I also have to consider if her being here will put her in more danger as he'll be furious if she's here.

Plus I have to take into account that my DH works away for a month at a time so very often it's me, my 80yo MIL and three primary school age children (one with severe disabilities) here.

I'm not entirely sure her relationship with her brother is salvagable. She caused him a lot of trouble and grief.

Honestly, every time I think life is settling down a bit (I finally managed to secure some respite for my youngest - extortionate, but will be so worth it for all of us) something else hits. It hasn't bloody stopped since I was 7.

OP posts:

BobsBurgersisthebest · 13/09/2021 22:53

What an awkward situation you've been put in.

I wouldn't put up your Niece. Tell her to go to another family member. She sounds just like her dad to be honest.

Original poster

JustLyra · 13/09/2021 23:00

The other thing is that with some of the hurdles DN has faced accessing uni and counselling I wonder if getting her help to leave through Women's Aid, YMCA or the likes wouldn't be better in the long run.

DN got a lot of help initially, and promises of a lot more, but as soon as it was viewed as him having a safe place to live all the help evaporated. It caused an absolute nightmare when he wanted to go to uni because he didn't have anyone official to back him as being financially independent from his parents. He had to defer uni once, and almost had to a second time, to get it all sorted it.

What an absolute mess.

She's also not my brother's youngest child so as horrible and selfish as it sounds I'm wondering if this is going to happen again and again and again. I don't have unlimited space or money. I wish I did!

OP posts:

Cattitudes · 13/09/2021 23:02

Offering the deposit sounds generous and hopefully she will take you up on it. She may though need some emotional support. Do you think you would be able to have her over for Sunday lunch etc sometimes? It does sound as if you are already really stretched though. Do you have any contact with the other side of her family - SIL relatives who might also be able to support her?

violetbunny · 14/09/2021 00:01

I would offer her the deposit, but pay it directly to the landlord rather than just giving her the cash.

Ellmau · 14/09/2021 08:19

It's not just the deposit though - could she afford rent and independent living costs on a part time (and I would guess quite low) wage?

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