Do you always think of No1?

[Rabbitheadlights]

And if you do, how? Seriously how do you do it?

Eg 1 kitkat left ... (No thought to is it needed for packed lunches etc) ... Eat it.

£10 left in the (joint) bank ... You want something, you buy it!

You're tired, partner is tired ... You have both lay ins at the weekend?

I honestly think there's something wrong with me because I just couldn't do any of this, it's like it's engrained in me to think of everyone else first even to my own detriment sometimes. I don't know what I'm looking for really I just don't know how to be more self focussed.

Is your partner like this?

I definitely don't always think of myself first, I'm part of a family and their needs are always considered. But it comes both ways, my family will consider my needs too. It's really not as black and white as you're suggesting. None of your examples are like to affect your life?

I just don't know how to be more self focussed

Do you need to become more self-focussed or does someone else need to become less self-focussed?

I'm sensing your partner does do all these things and that's what the question is really about?

Remember that it's not a moral virtue to enable a person to treat another person like dirt.

Sorry the examples are just that but it is he that triggered the thread. DP will always consider himself before considering others every single time and I do know other people that are the same.

I do but I don't have kids or live with a partner. The last time I lived with someone I'd say I still considered myself first – he used to moan at me that if I went to make a cup of tea for example I wouldn't always offer him one as well because it didn't occur to me. But again, no kids, so my view is skewed.

It's different for me because I'm a single parent so naturally the kids come first. Apart from if there was only 1 KitKat left
That would be mine 😂

@TedMullins it is exactly things like that really small things but also the big stuff too.

For example £10 left in the bank and I want something

In my head it would be, when does the account next get money? Is there any bills due before then? Do we need anything for the house (bread, milk etc)

He would not even consider the above he'd just use it and then moan if the account were to go overdrawn etc.

@Hinemadearmy lol yeah the KitKat was probably a bad example I don't really like chocolate I know!!

I know what you are saying though, I was a single parent when I met DP and maybe that's why I still do it, because back then it was my solely job to consider everything and everyone else before/when doing something.

If your partner is always putting themselves first, then you need to challenge that if you want the status quo to change. Simply becoming more selfish yourself is unlikely to result in a change you’re happy with, assuming your discontent is actually re the lack of consideration/generosity - rather than just you wanting the kitkat/£10/lie in.

It’s one thing to be more selfish in the context of working relationships or friendships, so as not to be a complete mug. However, if you want a relationship based on generosity, consideration and giving, you probably need to ask your partner to change their behaviour towards you.

You're tired, partner is tired ... You have both lay ins at the weekend?

^^
This was my exh! And any naps or early nights that might be going. I could never believe the level of selfishness- it just astounded me.

With the other examples - I usually leave the last of something everyone likes for the kids, or feel guilty, but then I laugh at myself! I wouldn’t spend the last £10, I’d expect it to be left alone just in case.

I’m a single parent now but thankfully kids (7 and 13) now lie in! Or the little one does and the big one doesn’t disturb me.

Sometimes I do think of myself but usually when my “self care tank” is running low and needs a refuel!

I have to just stop and say “I am doing this because I need to for me”

Other than that my head is almost always elsewhere / thinking of everyone else x

1 kitkat left ... (No thought to is it needed for packed lunches etc) ... Eat it.

My husband and I just buy the food we each like. If I wanted one of his snacks, I'd ask if it was the last one, but we don't really eat the same snacks so I'd have to be desperate.

£10 left in the (joint) bank ... You want something, you buy it!

Never open a joint bank account. It's madness. Have your own accounts and manage your own money.

You're tired, partner is tired ... You have both lay ins at the weekend?

Yes. That's the advantage of being childfree. We lie in as long as we want at the weekend.

I always put myself last. So I will go without or give myself the worst portion of food (if for example a bit was smaller than the rest or burnt etc)
Dh on the other hand is more like you described op. He will take the last biscuit or last bar of choc, or use the last bit of cordial. I don't actually think he is actually doing it selfishly, he just sees it and takes it.

I always put myself last. So I will go without or give myself the worst portion of food (if for example a bit was smaller than the rest or burnt etc)

You see, I wouldn't. Say I was cooking two chicken breasts and burnt one, I'd cut them both in half so we had one good half and one burnt half. I'd try to portion any food evenly, and I doubt I would notice a small difference between portions.

You should try to strike more of a balance so the good and bad gets shared evenly amongst your family.

My children have always come first and generally they still do although that is changing. I realised a few years ago that my partner always puts himself first, to the extent that it has impacted family time/events. I now never put him first and never will, because of his selfishness I also don't go out of my way for him. This has worked because I don't rely on him for anything, I am also much more vocal about stuff and won't do things I don't want to do just to please him or change things around to suit him unless it suits the rest of us.

I think of the DC first, then I like to think I share other stuff 50/50 with DH but tbh it's probably 60/40 in my favour with food treats.

No, I wouldn’t and neither would DH.

I definitely don’t put myself last, and if there’s definitely nothing else available for DS’s lunchbox snack next day, he gets the Kitkat, but I’m married to someone who’s extremely fair and generous — if he’s not away for work the Saturday lie-in is always mine, and he goes out for bread and pastries and brings me coffee and the paper, we work around one another’s work in terms of childcare, school runs, share chores etc. So I don’t need to assert myself, because my share is always there.

@DeathStare

I just don't know how to be more self focussed

Do you need to become more self-focussed or does someone else need to become less self-focussed?

This

I used to be like you, OP. And I was a bit of a martyr about it too. I hated that I thought of everyone else in the house before myself, including the sodding pets. I do think it's part female socialisation so it's not a problem for men who very, very rarely think of anyone but themselves. Even when they're doing something for someone else, there's a thought at the back of their mind (conscious or unconscious, who knows) as to what they'll get out of it.

It stopped when I became menopausal and now I don't give a shit. It's every (wo)man for themself now and I'm really enjoying it.

@kurtney this is it, I don't want to be a martyr about it but equally I don't want to be constantly nagging either and that's what it would take.

It's a Trait about myself I really dislike but I really don't know how to change it.

I’m not sure if you mean responsibility or martyrdom.

I think women in general need to put themselves first. We need to stop giving out the message that we come second. Our daughters deserve better.

My DM was a martyr. It stewed and came out as passive aggression. Nobody would have given a shit if she enjoyed the biggest bit of a cake she’d baked or got someone else to have us for a day while she read or walked or shopped or whatever she fancied.

It’s social conditioning. No moral virtue I’m putting yourself last.

We have a hard enough time in life as it is. Take care of number one. It doesn’t need to preclude looking after others too.

I make a conscious effort not to do that mummy martyr shit if the inclination arises. My daughter doesn’t need to see that. Which is not to say that I’m generally selfish, but then nor is my DH, so I suppose I don’t have to be. We both put DD first, but we love doing so.