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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who is being unreasonable about the house?

41 replies

Grrreatt · 13/09/2021 09:03

I know that proper legal advice needs to be sought and I am waiting on that at the moment.

But I'm in the initial talks with H about separating. I won't go into the whole thing here but basically he treats me like his servant and maid and I've had enough on top of my job and caring for our DC with basically no help from him. He thinks because he works (I work part time) it absolves him of absolutely everything else.

Anyway, the bone of contention in our talks recently has been the house and who should stay in it.

I would like to stay, he earns quite a lot more than me and could more easily afford to get somewhere else and I paid for the entire deposit when we bought it although there is unfortunately nothing written up about that. I would also be RP for our child, there is no argument from him about that there is no way he would be able to care for a young child by himself, he's never even been alone with our baby for more than an hour or two and refuses to do anything like care for overnight. If I've ever wanted to go out for more than an hour I've had to ask my family even if he's at home.

Anyway, his main reason for thinking he should stay is that he has older children, my step children, who stay here a couple of times a week.

He thinks because he has more children he should have more right to stay in their home and I'm being awful to expect him to move out with them.

Imo the issues of divorce should focus primarily on our child, who lives here all of the time.

What do you think? He's acting like some single father to two older children who I'm trying to chuck out as if DSC don't live with their Mum the majority of the week Hmm

OP posts:
DancesWithTortoises · 13/09/2021 09:04

His children aren't your problem. Your priority is your child and yourself. A court will give you the house - he knows that and is trying it on.

Grrreatt · 13/09/2021 09:12

Thanks. So will SC who don't live with us full time not be taken into account by the court?

OP posts:
LittleOwl153 · 13/09/2021 09:15

Tell him he has to buy you out - including paying back your full deposit otherwise you will had it to the solicitors. You will likely win if it goes to court. Do t forget you are entitled to half his pensions which need to be taken into account for assets.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 13/09/2021 09:15

If SC are with you both a couple of times a WEEK then I imagine the courts will take that into account. Your child won't be the only one affected by this.

Grrreatt · 13/09/2021 09:18

@StepAwayFromGoogling

If SC are with you both a couple of times a WEEK then I imagine the courts will take that into account. Your child won't be the only one affected by this.
No but they would be the only child being removed from their permanent residence. H wouldn't even have our child overnight for a while yet as they are too young and he won't want to so they would literally be with me every night for the foreseeable.

So our child would have to leave the home they live in every day so he can have it to himself 5 nights a week?

OP posts:
Wtfdoipick · 13/09/2021 09:21

Can you afford the house on your own? Can you afford to buy him out? If the house was sold would there be enough equity for you both to rehouse yourselves?

It isn't a straightforward one of you will be given the house and yes all children have needs which will be taken into account

Grrreatt · 13/09/2021 09:22

I can afford the house on my own, it would be a little tight but manageable.

He could much more easily be able to rehouse himself than I could as he earns quite a lot more than me.

OP posts:
HarrietsChariot · 13/09/2021 09:22

In this situation the best thing is to sell up and both move somewhere else. It's the only way you will agree, otherwise the one who moves is getting screwed over. It might be a hassle but not doing so will be an even bigger one.

Youseethethingis · 13/09/2021 09:24

I'd try to find any paper trail you can to prove the deposit came from you in the first instance.
I don't think housing the step children is your concern, and certainly not something you should be losing an entire house deposit over. Don't let him make you feel guilty in the slightest about that.
Who kept the house on his last divorce, out of curiosity? Did he keep it then, too, or is it just children of the second marriage that are expected to be out on their ear?
On the plus side, he's making it very easy for you to walk away with no regrets. What a twit.

StepAwayFromGoogling · 13/09/2021 09:24

I'm not saying the courts would award the home to him, just that I assume they'd take it into account.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2021 09:26

I agree with @HarrietsChariot

There is no point pushing yourself to the brink financially just to be the one to 'win' the house. Or by giving loads of £££ to a bunch of lawyers to sort it out.

Sell up, claim your deposit back and both buy somewhere else.

HeddaGarbled · 13/09/2021 09:27

Neither of you are being unreasonable. If you can’t compromise, you will have to sell this particular house and split the equity in such a way that enables you both to buy other suitable homes. Mediation will help here.

NoSquirrels · 13/09/2021 09:27

It may be that you both need to sell this house and buy something else. When you say you could afford this house - could you afford it as well as buying his share out? Or do you just mean you could afford the mortgage and running costs as it stands?

Your posts sound a bit emotional about your DC’s home - at their age the home itself (I.e. bricks and mortar) is not vitally important because they’re not yet at an age where schools, social life etc has to be considered. But I understand for you it would be a massive upheaval and it’s the absolutely shitty side of divorce.

I don’t think it’s quite as clear cut as you will definitely be awarded the house, but I’m not a lawyer.

MattHancocksSexTape · 13/09/2021 09:29

@Grrreatt

I can afford the house on my own, it would be a little tight but manageable.

He could much more easily be able to rehouse himself than I could as he earns quite a lot more than me.

Would you get a mortgage on your own, on a part time salary?
Hankunamatata · 13/09/2021 09:31

I think the main issue is not getting stuck on the house. If it has to be sold then so be it.

NoYOUbekind · 13/09/2021 09:31

It's not ever as clear cut as someone just 'gets' the house. The court will look at your situations (and I don't believe the SCs will really come into it) and aim to reach a situation where you are both housed. For most people, that means selling the family home or one person buying the other out of the family home. If your DH 'buying' you out would be around the same ££ as the deposit you paid then it may be that you can come to a deal whereby DH walks away from the home. But given the deposit isn't recorded... you need proper legal advice.

Grrreatt · 13/09/2021 09:35

I could remortgage to buy him out and have looked into this, it's affordable, tight but okay.

So my reasons for wanting to stay really are that I would find it difficult to buy again somewhere like this. He would have the ability to save up for another deposit (he'd have the equity from here too minus my deposit hopefully) as he earns so much more. He could buy somewhere nicer than this if he wanted to!

Because he's such a twat I will never be able to increase my working hours whilst DC is so young because he will just refuse to take any responsibility, I know he will. I already pay all nursery costs. He doesn't even pay his older kids mum any maintenance anymore (which I didn't realise until recently!) so I highly doubt he'd be so willing with ours either.

So he'll be off working full time, earning a good wage, not taking any responsibility because he never does, whilst I'll be stuck working part time and looking after DC all the time.

OP posts:
billy1966 · 13/09/2021 09:36

Find any and all paperwork regarding that deposit.
This should be your priority and get legal advice.

Flowers
Grrreatt · 13/09/2021 09:38

I have evidence of it being in my sole name savings account. Hopefully that will help.

OP posts:
Grrreatt · 13/09/2021 09:42

I work part time but not hugely so. I work 5 days but reduced hours so it works out about 3 and a half days a week. I've always had to pay the CM (sorry I keep calling it nursery 🙄) as he refuses because apparently he said it was fine for me not to go back to work... It's a bloody good job I didn't listen!

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 13/09/2021 09:44

I already pay all nursery costs

Well, how did that to happen?

He doesn't even pay his older kids mum any maintenance anymore

Start applying through CMS today to sort that out so it doesn't happen to you.

He does sound like a twat, but it's unfortunately, it's up to you to make sure he pays for your DC and that you claim what is rightfully yours.

Don't get derailed by the house. All your DC needs is a secure loving home with you, even if it's not 'somewhere like this'.

Grrreatt · 13/09/2021 09:47

Well, how did that to happen?

Because he wanted me to be a SAHM and I wanted to go back to work so he doesn't see why he should pay.

OP posts:
Kiduknot · 13/09/2021 09:48

Well if he’s not paying their mum any maintenance , I’d assume that he’s not going to do the fair thing with you either. I’d assume that you will be going to court so I’d take that as the starting position.

“We’ll take it to court unless you offer me something I’m happy with.”

Chloemol · 13/09/2021 09:58

Look to sell this house and get something else if he really won’t give it up

Go to cms to get maintenance sorted

Tinkywinkydinkydoo · 13/09/2021 10:01

You really need to speak to a solicitor op, asking people with no legal background may give you false hope. If you’re married and didn’t ringfence the deposit then it won’t matter if you have proof you paid it, it’s still 50/50 at this point. If you go to court they may award you a higher percentage of the house , they may order ex to let him buy you out, they may order you to leave and ex pay you out, they may order you both to sell. No one but your judge will tell you the outcome. Also be aware that ex won’t have to leave until he is ordered too so can carry on living there after you’ve separated for a long g time unless you come up with an agreement. If this goes to court can you afford the legal fees on top of buying him out? Try posting on legal instead and try and get a solicitor appointment ASAP.