Who is being unreasonable about the house?

[Grrreatt]

I know that proper legal advice needs to be sought and I am waiting on that at the moment.

But I'm in the initial talks with H about separating. I won't go into the whole thing here but basically he treats me like his servant and maid and I've had enough on top of my job and caring for our DC with basically no help from him. He thinks because he works (I work part time) it absolves him of absolutely everything else.

Anyway, the bone of contention in our talks recently has been the house and who should stay in it.

I would like to stay, he earns quite a lot more than me and could more easily afford to get somewhere else and I paid for the entire deposit when we bought it although there is unfortunately nothing written up about that. I would also be RP for our child, there is no argument from him about that there is no way he would be able to care for a young child by himself, he's never even been alone with our baby for more than an hour or two and refuses to do anything like care for overnight. If I've ever wanted to go out for more than an hour I've had to ask my family even if he's at home.

Anyway, his main reason for thinking he should stay is that he has older children, my step children, who stay here a couple of times a week.

He thinks because he has more children he should have more right to stay in their home and I'm being awful to expect him to move out with them.

Imo the issues of divorce should focus primarily on our child, who lives here all of the time.

What do you think? He's acting like some single father to two older children who I'm trying to chuck out as if DSC don't live with their Mum the majority of the week

IME the step kids will be taken into account. It's done on a needs basis, so he will need a house that can home all three of his children, and you will need a house that can home you and your shared child. In a nutshell, he will likely be deemed to need at least three bedrooms (if two of the kids are able to share) and you will be deemed to need two bedrooms.

No court is going to force him into a position where overnights with his children have to stop because he has nowhere to put them.

That doesn't mean he will get the house though. It just means that it will play into how much equity he needs to home himself (his higher income will play here). He'll have to say what his housing needs are (as will you), and then provide his mortgage capacity (as will you).

Then one of three or four things will happen. Either he will buy you out, you will buy him out, you'll both sell and split the cash, or (rare) some sort of meshed order. If you want the house and can buy him out AND he can adequately then house all his kids and have enough to live on - then you may be able to keep it.

If he insists on it being sold, you might be able to get more of the equity from it as it will be harder to house yourself.

Speak to a lawyer. But that's the bones of it.

The deposit is irrelevant, the fact it was in a savings account in your sole name is also irrelevant as you are married and everything becomes a marital asset. You say he earns substantially more than you, does he have savings, a pension, other assets, since you can afford the house on your sole wage his income isn't going there. Point is anything he has also becomes a marital asset too so you could potentially offset the house against his pension and still end up with him owing you more. You need to get all information together and talk to a solicitor about what would be reasonable.

Get any paperwork regarding his salary, pension, investments together.

Unfortunately being married means the hose is a shared asset.

I don't understand why, if you can afford to buy him out and pay the mortgage in you own, why you wouldn't be able to buy another property with the deposit coming from the sale.

@vivainsomnia

I don't understand why, if you can afford to buy him out and pay the mortgage in you own, why you wouldn't be able to buy another property with the deposit coming from the sale.

We've not long bought it so there is minimal equity to buy him out with.

In order to buy again I would need my deposit back from this place at the least. Which PPs have pointed out will be counted as a joint asset and not necessarily given back to me.

If I got the full deposit I put in back, there would not be much left for us to split equity wise.

He does have other assets though which also count as martial ones which he won't want to split. So I guess if it gets that way I'll just have to take what I'm due from those. He won't like that though so I think I could probably get him to back down on the house that way.

You do need legal advice OP.

Based on what you say

(and assuming you are married and any divorce falls within the jurisdiction of the courts in England and Wales,)

when making orders relating to property and finances the court’s priority will be to consider the welfare of any child of the family - which can include step children.

Assuming your husband’s step children already have a home, the priority will be to provide a home for your children.

There are a number of ways the court can do this depending on your incomes, joint financial resources, earning capacity etc.

That is why if you can afford to keep the home you must seek legal advice ( and don’t forget to factor the value of your husband’s pension into your joint assets - you might be surprised at how much it’s worth!)

Good luck OP

Assuming your husband’s step children already have a home, the priority will be to provide a home for your children.

Thanks, this is what I hope will happen tbh.

I appreciate DSC obviously need somewhere to stay when they are with H but the fact is they have a home with their Mum most of the week. This is our child's only home and wherever I am will be their only home for the foreseeable future as H will not have overnights whilst they are young.

I am seeking legal advice thanks, just waiting to hear back. I am fortunate that I can get legal advice at very reduced rates through work.

You need legal advice. If you're married then I believe step children are considered "children of the family". As PPs have said, it may affect your STBX's reasonable housing needs. Go and speak to a solicitor before making any decisions.

I would be cautious.. He could easily take you to court just to spite you and get shared care of your child, whether he wants it or not. If there's been no abuse, the starting point is 50/50.

@Protectivemama0999

I would be cautious.. He could easily take you to court just to spite you and get shared care of your child, whether he wants it or not. If there's been no abuse, the starting point is 50/50.

Thanks. I know and whilst I could be surprised by him I would think pigs would sooner fly. He would have to give up precious time at work and he would never want to do that.

This is a man who makes me ask my family to watch our DC if I want to go anywhere even if he's at home because he can't cope with them. "doesn't do the young stage" apparently.

Yes. But read again.. To spite you..
Most men like that never want shared care, but they'll do it to spite you.

@Protectivemama0999

Yes. But read again.. To spite you.. Most men like that never want shared care, but they'll do it to spite you.

I understand. I just don't think he'd ever go that far even to spite me. He'd be shooting himself in the foot too much. He's only started doing more with SC since they've been older.

I know I couldn't guarantee anything and I do appreciate what you're saying.

He's just so self involved that I can't ever imagine him even risking that even to spite me. He'd never want to give up his time or his work in that way. It would literally be his worst nightmare.

He sounds awful, I can't understand why he won't let you buy him out if he earns more and could afford something better anyway.
So selfish, I hope you manage to stay in the house.

Is he capable of actually having his dsc by himself or did that fall largely on you too?

Your priority is to split up with him and get a secure maintenance arrangement in place. It may be that the best way of achieving this is for you to find yourself and DC a new home. Your DC will be happy wherever you live if he's with you.

If you have evidence of him not meeting his financial obligations to his other children you may have an argument for a clean break with a bigger lump sum in lieu of maintenance, but it's not popular with the courts.