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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Honest advice needed

36 replies

mumoftotes · 12/09/2021 23:01

I will include as much honest detail as possible:

My H drinks >100 units every week
Any conversation we have in the evening he can't remember
He takes drink with him when he stays away
He took our dd away 5 weeks ago - I asked him not to take drink
I asked him to please not drink masses when they were away
He was livid and hasn't really spoken to me since. One word answers at best.

He now sleeps on sofa
Doesn't engage with anything to do with me or kids.
Won't answer texts
I have tried reading about this behaviour
I think it's grey rock
It feels like someone has told him to do this.

It feels like he's pushing me to leave.

I'm actually frightened to speak to him. He won't be violent but will blame me for everything. He has a very nasty way of speaking so I know I'll end up crying.

I need some genuine advice please.

OP posts:
spotcheck · 12/09/2021 23:04

He's an alcoholic who drinks excessively while in charge of your daughter.

Do you want to stay with him?

HumdrumGuga · 12/09/2021 23:05

Leave!! So what if he's pushing you into making a decision, you'd be so much happier by the sounds of it? What's your housing situation?Flowers

BlackberryMuncher · 12/09/2021 23:06

I wouldn't have allowed DD to go, I'd divorce him. You & DD deserve better!

spotcheck · 12/09/2021 23:06

Forgot to add the genuine advice:
Counselling- for you. Al-anon to understand alcoholics, if understanding is important to you.

Oh, and please, don't let him be in charge of your daughter. That's a disaster waiting to happen.

Does he drive whilst drunk?

Original poster
mumoftotes · 12/09/2021 23:07

@HumdrumGuga

Leave!! So what if he's pushing you into making a decision, you'd be so much happier by the sounds of it? What's your housing situation?Flowers
I can't afford to leave which is a huge problem- I really can't.

Been in house 25 years - no spare money. Mortgage not paid.

OP posts:
Original poster
mumoftotes · 12/09/2021 23:08

@BlackberryMuncher

I wouldn't have allowed DD to go, I'd divorce him. You & DD deserve better!
God he would have gone absolutely mad
OP posts:
HumdrumGuga · 12/09/2021 23:26

So if you tell him you've had enough and you want to split up and sell the house, what would happen? Just sounds so miserable OP. This is no way to live.

Original poster
mumoftotes · 12/09/2021 23:29

@HumdrumGuga

So if you tell him you've had enough and you want to split up and sell the house, what would happen? Just sounds so miserable OP. This is no way to live.
It's utterly miserable but I would also hate to leave my house or for my kids to leave their home.
OP posts:
sessell · 12/09/2021 23:30

How old is DD? You sound scared of him OP. And scared of what he would do if you tried to stop him taking your DD away with him when he was drinking. This is abuse. Others will know better than me where you could go for help or to talk to someone who can advise. Maybe women's aid.

HumdrumGuga · 12/09/2021 23:31

But you could be happy in another home? Without having to live like this? Have you confided in a friend or spoken to Women's Aid?

takehomepay · 12/09/2021 23:33

Does he work? Are you primary carer for dc? How old are dc?

You may be allowed to live in the house until kids are 18.

You need to speak to a good solicitor. Do you know one? If not, maybe people can recommend one in your area.

Natty13 · 12/09/2021 23:35

My advice is not to raise your daughter around an alcoholic.

Please get some support from AA (they support loved ones of alcoholics as well). They will hopefully help you see the damage staying in your marriage will do to your poor daughter.

Sending love and Flowers because this won't be easy but it will be worth it.

Tulips15 · 12/09/2021 23:36

Leave.

RubyJam · 12/09/2021 23:37

That’s a lot of units

SD1978 · 12/09/2021 23:39

Depending on the age of your daughter, I'm sorry, I don't care how annoyed he'd be, I don't understand allowing him to take a child away for a weekend when he's a chronic alcoholic.

buddhasbelly · 12/09/2021 23:41

Recovered alcoholic here - I didn't stop drinking until I really was ready. Your partner may take another year, 10 years or may never get to that point.

You and your daughter deserve a life that is centred around someone else's drinking. You can't control if he drinks or not.

As others have said Al Anon is great for support for loved ones of alcoholics. Wishing you well OP.

Yaya26 · 13/09/2021 00:19

I worked with a lady whose husband ended up killing their daughter. He was an alcoholic. The daughter was heading off to uni a couple of hours from home. He went with her for a couple of days to drop her off settle in etc. He drove while over the the limit, crashed and killed her. Protect your children. Their father should not be allowed to look after them with drink on board or after. Xx

Aquamarine1029 · 13/09/2021 00:34

I'm sorry, op, but it is shocking that you allowed your abusive alcoholic husband to take your child away, knowing he would be drinking. His possible reaction is irrelevant, you have a responsibility to protect your child.

The damage that growing up with an alcoholic parent causes is incalculable. You have to remove your children from this environment. Whatever it takes, you need to figure out a plan.

PersonaNonGarter · 13/09/2021 00:36

OP, you have become too conditioned to his behaviour. Everyone is right. Leave.

Fangdango · 13/09/2021 03:02

Is there any equity in the house at all?

Could you get legal advice on what you might get of you left / on your chances of keeping the marital home to raise your child?

Shoxfordian · 13/09/2021 06:15

Speak to a solicitor about your options to leave him today as soon as you can

Clarinet53 · 13/09/2021 06:22

I am married to a man who had an alcoholic father. It has really scarred him mentally. The stories he tells from his childhood are heartbreaking. The things he has experienced come out regularly as envy in the childhood our children have had.

You are being abused by your husband with the way he treats you and ignores you.

You need to speak to a solicitor about getting a divorce. You and your daughter deserve more than a drunk husband and father.

Zeal · 13/09/2021 06:24

One day your daughter will understand why it was necessary to leave him. This may also have positive implications for her when forming her own relationships later in life. You need to go through a bit of pain, but the future will be better.

Stircraazy · 13/09/2021 06:28

It feels like he's pushing me to leave.

He needs to leave.

You can't fix his drink problem. Protect your DD. Separate.

CassandraTrotter · 13/09/2021 06:32

He needs to leave. How old is your daughter? Is she the youngest?

He is an angry alcoholic. He cannot be around your children. You need to speak to a solicitor.