"Are you OK?" messages

ImFree2doasiwant · 2021-09-12T20:35:56+00:00

I have regular messenger contact with close family members. I do respond straight away at times, but not always. I am attempting to scale back on my phone usage, and have taken to putting it away while I'm working/getting on with things around the house. This has resulted in 2 family members in particular, sending "are you OK? [confused]" messages if I don't immediately respond, including "I was worried" when I didnt read or reply to a message for an hour and half. Aibu in feeling really bloody annoyed about this? Why would I not be ok? It's not like I'm reading and ignoring them. They know when I work, they know when I have a chikd free day and try to get on with stuff/go out for a bit. I don't know if I'm being over sensitive.

JasonMomoasgirlfriend · 12/09/2021 21:37

Yanbu it is very annoying. We have created an instant reply culture though so I think if you are trying to reign in your phone usage just do a quick txt out to the people who message the most and explain what youre doing

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 12/09/2021 21:38

My family and friends all know that I consider no text or message urgent and will reply when I have time.
That would annoy me so you ANBU

ViaRia · 12/09/2021 21:41

Yanbu to feel it’s a bit overbearing from them.
However, have you mentioned to them that you have recently decided not to keep your phone with you at all times? They are probably just used to your instant replies so I’m the minds it is unusual for you not to respond.

Fivefourthreetwo · 12/09/2021 21:43

Just tell them you're having time away from your phone each day

marioduck · 12/09/2021 21:47

That would piss me off.

It is very rare for anybody to get an immediate response to a text message from me. I don't spend my days carrying my phone around the house poised to stop what I'm doing to reply to random messages. I might check it when I go past, I might not.

That's the whole point of texts instead of phonecalls. It's rude to expect people to instantly reply to every message you send whenever you decide to send it.

Speakuptomakeyourselfheard · 12/09/2021 21:48

This is one of the reasons that I hate phones, even landlines! People think that they can demand your attention at ANY time, by simply making a noise in your home or pocket, and you'll jump to their command. It used to drive me mad when we lived in our old house which had a very long garden, my husband would phone me and if I didn't answer the phone, he'd keep ringing and ringing and ringing, until I eventually picked up, because he was worried!! I've always hated mobiles, so told him I wasn't going to carry one in my pocket every time I went out in the garden. He's finally got the message, that if I hear a phone ring, or receive a text, I'll call back or text when it's convenient to ME! Personally, I prefer emails, which don't disturb and people can answer at a time that's convenient for them.

takehomepay · 12/09/2021 21:49

YANBU, I've got my family and friends well trained, they do not expect a response for days!

Original poster

ImFree2doasiwant · 12/09/2021 21:52

I have told them several times, abd I've also mentioned that there have been issues at work with excess phone usage at desks (not me) and that it's being cracked down on. I don't think I should have to send a quick reply when I'm at work, they know the set days and times I work

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marioduck · 12/09/2021 21:52

Most of the people in my life don't reply instantly either unless you happen to message when they're already on their phone.

Only exception (on both sides) is if we are expecting contact or en route to meet up or something where it makes sense.

FOJN · 12/09/2021 21:56

You say you are trying to reduce your phone use so put it away at different times while you are busy with other things, it sounds like a change in your usual behaviour which has lead to them asking if you are OK rather than them being demanding. I understand its annoying but you can reply when you have time and just tell them you're fine and trying not to let the phone disrupt you when you have other things to do. I would tell them this once and then ignore any further similar messages. They'll soon get use to the new normal.

Original poster

ImFree2doasiwant · 12/09/2021 21:56

I haven't always instantly replied

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marioduck · 12/09/2021 21:57

@Speakuptomakeyourselfheard

This is one of the reasons that I hate phones, even landlines! People think that they can demand your attention at ANY time, by simply making a noise in your home or pocket, and you'll jump to their command. It used to drive me mad when we lived in our old house which had a very long garden, my husband would phone me and if I didn't answer the phone, he'd keep ringing and ringing and ringing, until I eventually picked up, because he was worried!! I've always hated mobiles, so told him I wasn't going to carry one in my pocket every time I went out in the garden. He's finally got the message, that if I hear a phone ring, or receive a text, I'll call back or text when it's convenient to ME! Personally, I prefer emails, which don't disturb and people can answer at a time that's convenient for them.

This is why my phone is always on silent unless I am expecting a call and why I only carry it if I am journeying or somewhere where I have to keep my bag on me at all times too. I wouldn't carry it around my workplace or a friend's house or during an activity. I sure as hell wouldn't be taking a phone with me just to go into the garden!

marioduck · 12/09/2021 21:58

@ImFree2doasiwant

I haven't always instantly replied

Tell them once. Then ignore them being ridiculous until they learn not to be.

cantgetmyheadroundit · 12/09/2021 21:58

I get this from my mum. I'm 51. I have to be very sharp with her about it.

Kite22 · 12/09/2021 22:01

I think it is the fact that you have changed - the fact you used to reply, and no don't, that means they are checking.
No issues with anyone only looking at their phone once a day, but I would be a bit concerned if someone who used to have their phone in hand at all times then suddenly stopped replying.

Original poster

ImFree2doasiwant · 12/09/2021 22:02

@marioduck I have abd I'm trying but their "are you ok? " messages are bugging me. From one I particular, because they might aswell say "why are you ignoring me " it's not an "are you ok" at all really

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Sparklesocks · 12/09/2021 22:37

Yes that would annoy me. I think I’d reply saying something it’s only been 90 minutes since you messaged me so I’m not sure why you’re worried. I’m not always on my phone or can’t always respond immediately - but that doesn’t mean something bad has happened.

marioduck · 12/09/2021 22:52

[quote ImFree2doasiwant]@marioduck I have abd I'm trying but their "are you ok? " messages are bugging me. From one I particular, because they might aswell say "why are you ignoring me " it's not an "are you ok" at all really[/quote]
See, that's the point where I would be inclined to actually start ignoring someone until they packed it in.

marioduck · 12/09/2021 22:59

Or they would get silly scenarios back until they got the hint.

"Are you ok?"

No, my pet dinosaur just died and I'm planning the funeral.

"Are you ok?"

No, somebody has stolen my fighter jet and I'm dealing with the insurance claim.

Nothing plausible enough to worry them. Just ridiculous enough to point out that taking 52 minutes to reply to a text message is not a cause for concern.

thepeopleversuswork · 12/09/2021 23:15

People have radically different perspectives and etiquettes on phone use and frequency. It's a real minefield tbh.

I have friends who go days without looking at their phone and others who WhatsApp constantly.

In some industries you're more or less expected to be contactable online most of the day: in my job because I'm remote most of the time its expected that I won't ever be too far away from Teams/WhatsApp or email. I'm used to it now but I sometimes forget that other people don't work like that.

I'm not sure what the solution is really but I think it would probably help if you were explicit about it: say you're scaling back on phone use and people can't expect instant replies.

Original poster

ImFree2doasiwant · 12/09/2021 23:31

@thepeopleversuswork at work I do have to be contactable and online (the bloody teams chat pinging away annoys me daily) but not on my personal phone.

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Pinkchocolate · 12/09/2021 23:32

It’s passive aggressive, they aren’t checking if you’re ok, they want you to hurry up and respond. I had family members who used to do this and I would then deliberately ignore them. They now know to call if it’s important and wait if it isn’t.

saraclara · 13/09/2021 00:42

"are you okay?"

"working"

"are you okay?"

"I've said I'm working. I'm turning notifications off. Bye"

LBirch02 · 13/09/2021 07:37

OP YANBU at all. “Are you Ok” grinds my f’ing gears tbh and it’s a bit triggering in the sens

LBirch02 · 13/09/2021 07:42

Sorry posted too soon

“Are u ok” is triggering for me as it reminds me of a creepy guy that msged me on Facebook. I should have been more assertive and stopped responding but I had low self esteem at the time. He would say. “ I was concerned” if there were long gaps when I didn’t respond to msgs.F’ing emotional blackmail! He was complicit in causing me a lot of damage at the time - long story.
So in short people can F off with their ‘are u ok?’