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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think everyone needs a break from their dc?

45 replies

Sunbleachseashell · 12/09/2021 19:27

I would even go so far to say that my happiest times are when they aren’t there.
For 12 years all my weekends have been taken up by stuff that I don’t really want to do and because DH has been totally absent and off playing golf it’s all been me.
I’ve reach a point where I have had enough. I went out for the day the weekend before last and I’m planning on saying I’m going out this weekend too and he can have the dc.
I know he isn’t going to be thrilled but I am at the point where I’ve had enough. Absolutely enough. I work all week - as does he to be fair - and I want to do something that I enjoy.
Aibu? I suppose I had a day the weekend before last but he has had a full day at least every weekend for the last 12 years and actually a day and a half most weekends.
I want to go to see an art exhibition, have lunch, and do some shopping.

OP posts:
shouldistop · 12/09/2021 19:28

I don't think it's the kids that are the problem. Why does your husband feel he can completely abdicate responsibility?

oblada · 12/09/2021 19:44

I second that. The issue is your DH.
I don't feel I need a break from all my kids no but occasionally it's nice to have only the oldest 1 or 2 for an easy afternoon out or indeed just to have the youngest to chill at home. for me, as I have 4 kids aged 1 to 10, that's a break. But then my DH doesn't leave me to it every weekend. We do things we enjoy as a family and compromise regularly (both ways!)betw the kids and us. So we'll go walking (us) and another time take them to a fun place (them) or combine a nice walk with an ice-cream./meal out. We take turns at choosing movies etc. It works.
Your problem is your DH though.

Original poster
Sunbleachseashell · 12/09/2021 19:44

He has recently stepped up a bit because I threatened to leave him.

However this hasn’t taken away all the years I went without a break.

OP posts:
Danikm151 · 12/09/2021 19:45

A break is needed. Once a month my mom baby sits and I get to go out and chill.
Work feels like a break for me 🤣

malificent7 · 12/09/2021 19:46

Yanbu...he sounds like a selfish prick.

SylvanasWindrunner · 12/09/2021 19:47

I would think of it as just needing some time to yourself, which is totally normal. Everyone needs time to do their own stuff and enjoy their own pursuits and interests, ideally. You have some catching up to do so enjoy it!

WhatsTheBFD · 12/09/2021 19:49

Your problem is staying with a husband who thinks parenting is optional this long.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 12/09/2021 19:54

Tell him you have taken up golf and will therefore unavailable for parenting for the next

NatriumChloride · 12/09/2021 19:57

The issue is not your kids, it’s your useless entitled husband. You’d not crave time away from them so desperately if you had small breaks much more often which you have been deprived of. Unbelievable that you’ve managed all the parenting solo for the last 12 years whilst he’s managed to ring fence his time to go a play flipping golf!!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 12/09/2021 19:57

Setting aside the massive issue of your DH not pulling his weight, I do agree that most parents need time away from their DC.

We all have lives and personalities and friends and interests that are nothing to do with our DC. When we are with our DC we are, to some extent, in parent mode. We need a bit of freedom to stay in touch with our non-parental selves.

VladmirsPoutine · 12/09/2021 19:59

Ferrying kids around and doing activities mainly based on their enjoyment can be tedious yes, but the source of your angst is that your husband thinks family life is optional. Threatening to leave him when it all gets too much then slipping back into old patterns isn't going to help. If it's been going on 12 years then he's had a pretty good run of it.

Boobieboobieboobie · 12/09/2021 19:59

You are being ureasonable for allowing this pattern to continue.

ohihateithere · 12/09/2021 20:01

MIL had the kids for 4 days in the holidays, we had such a good time as terrible as it sounds. We never have a break from the kids so it was lovely.

But your OH doesn't sounds great either

Dillydollydingdong · 12/09/2021 20:02

My ddil makes sure she gets her me-time, out with her mates. My DS has to look after the DC, the dogs and the cats - not without help from the two grandmothers and the auntie. At least hopefully my ddil will be happy Grin

Alleycat02 · 12/09/2021 20:02

YABU for letting it go on for 12 years, I couldn't live like that so well done for taking steps to break the cycle!

DeepaBeesKit · 12/09/2021 20:02

because DH has been totally absent and off playing golf it’s all been me.

You have a DH problem right there.

megletthesecond · 12/09/2021 20:02

Yanbu. Your DH is the problem here, but at least you know it.
I'm a LP and never get a proper break from my dc's. It's actually quite bad for all of us, we're frankly sick of each other (teens).

SandyY2K · 12/09/2021 20:05

It's important to have breaks from the kids, breaks from your partner and time together as a family.

A good balance of all 3 is healthy.

FlorenceWintle · 12/09/2021 20:05

Why have you allowed him to do this for 12 years? Honest question.

AccidentallyOnPurpose · 12/09/2021 20:17

He needs to step up a lot more. Just make plans ,tell him and go out and do something for yourself . He can whinge all he wants. How old are the kids?

Letsgetquizzy · 12/09/2021 20:19

YANBU, OP.

I work term time only and my relief when our nanny returned after the holidays (only 2 eves per week so I can work/split the DC up - there are 4 of them) was only exceeded by theirs Grin. I would always have said I am an outgoing person but cannot tell you how much I craved solitude and the chance to spend half an hour doing something I enjoyed during the recent lockdowns.

Time away is important for you and it's good for them to understand that you are a person who needs rest and their own space too.

Absence makes the heart grow fonder, and all that.

DrSbaitso · 12/09/2021 20:23

You are asking the wrong question in your title.

I might need to take a MN break for a bit. I'm so tired of reading about all these useless, selfish men who think of their wives as white goods with tits or live in nannies. It shouldn't affect me as much as it does but I am so, so, so sick of it. I can only imagine how sick I'd be if I were married to one.

PumpkinKlNG · 12/09/2021 20:25

Don’t expect him to step up if you split up, I’m a lone parent as my ex isn’t involved at all. I never get a break, so if he’s useless now chances are he isn’t suddenly going to step up if you split.

BathMatToe · 12/09/2021 20:28

@Sunbleachseashell

He has recently stepped up a bit because I threatened to leave him.

However this hasn’t taken away all the years I went without a break.

You went 12 years? Did you say anything? I'd not blame the kids because you two couldn't organise anything fair. Unless he stopped you. Heck ifnyoi split you get a week off every other week if you wish or 50% of the week. No wonder he's frantically stepped up.
BathMatToe · 12/09/2021 20:31

@Dillydollydingdong

My ddil makes sure she gets her me-time, out with her mates. My DS has to look after the DC, the dogs and the cats - not without help from the two grandmothers and the auntie. At least hopefully my ddil will be happy Grin
What on earth? How is he so scared to do it alone?