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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Ashamed in what I thought to myself

73 replies

watermeadowlounger · 12/09/2021 18:39

Recently have found out from a friend from school that a girl that I went to school with who bullied me at one point mum went missing, I feel dreadful for saying this but one of the first thoughts that came to my head was that's karma for what you did to me. This is dreadful isn't and I'm ashamed of thinking that and wonder what possessed me to think like in that moment.

OP posts:

EggAndHasBeans · 13/09/2021 01:49

I think it's pretty normal when someone has consistently caused you hurt or pain over a long period of time. I know I get these kinda thoughts about my bully but in reality I just feel a bit sorry for her, I wouldn't wish her any harm.....but try telling my immediate thought process that.

GreyhoundG1rl · 13/09/2021 01:53

You didn't actually "think" this. The thought flashed through your mind and your mind rejected it. If it was what you actually believed you'd still think so now.

OneMoreStitch · 13/09/2021 06:23

Sounds normal to me, too. You kept that reflexive thought to yourself, didn't gloat or gossip or troll. You had the grace to privately acknowledge and question your very human reaction. I'd say you're doing fine; put it behind you.

Stircraazy · 13/09/2021 06:47

I feel dreadful for saying this but one of the first thoughts that came to my head was that's karma for what you did to me

Gosh, I would say that is completely normal way to think.

I mean, if a paedophile gets 10 years in jail I don't think Oh, maybe he had a hard childhood (which possibly he did) - I think 'it should have been longer.'

I don't think I would ever have pity for someone that did something cruel to me or mine.

ohfook · 13/09/2021 06:52

Your first thought that pops into your head, you can't help.

It's your deeds that determine who you are. So unless you were involved in her mum's disappearance or your actively spreading lies or hindering the search for her, I wouldn't worry about it.

Belledan1 · 13/09/2021 07:02

I worked with girl who looked down her nose at everyone. Her daddy was rich. Laughed at a girl who struggled with money who brought in a sandwich each day and could not afford to go to lunch. When I told her once I was having a treat of a takeaway the weekend she told me that's not a treat a treat is s trip to harrods. Her dad was arrested for being a drug baron. All over the news. She had to leave her big posh house. Normally you would feel sorry for her but as she was so vile we all felt the same she deserved it for a second.

FreeBritnee · 13/09/2021 07:12

You thought it, you didn’t say it. We all think terrible things at one time or another but the majority of us don’t act on them nor speak them. You’re normal op!!

Lennybenny · 13/09/2021 07:19

[quote AubergineParmigiana]@Lennybenny - guess you've never been the victim of bullying [/quote]
I'm mixed ethnicity so....yes been bullied but never been happy the bully has had a parent go missing. Sounds too much like the op would say the same if there was a child involved....because it was school.
A lot of people that bully do it for a reason and that reason resolves itself as we get older. So does the childish mentality.....

Lennybenny · 13/09/2021 07:22

@Anotherbrokenairer

My adult DC saw her ex bully begging in the street on her way home from work. He really made her life hell, it broke my heart. I have to admit I struggled to have sympathy and so did she. We certainly didn't gloat and discuss it, she told me and I just acknowledged it like she was telling me it was raining. We looked at each other in silence and I knew we felt the same, we left it at that. However, I know there's been occasions where I've thought ' yass, that's what you get!' but I quickly feel a bit ick and have a word with myself.

Yes....this. We all do the same. I know I do. But a parent missing is not the same as a bully on the streets, or a bully losing a house because of drugs or a paedophile going to prison.

ShaneTheThird · 13/09/2021 07:26

It's normal to have horrible intrusive thoughts now and again as long as you don't say them out loud. When I had a mc I soon found out someone I knew was pregnant within 3 weeks of getting with her partner and I did think to myself, I hope she loses the pregnancy. Not nice but no one ever knew I thought it. It's natural to have mean thoughts on occasion.

VaguelyInteresting · 13/09/2021 07:32

Intrusive thoughts are usually entirely counter to the persons actual personality- so the most gentle people have intrusive thoughts of extreme violence etc. That’s the reason they trouble you- because they’re so “not you”. So this thought has bothered you because it’s actually fairly out of step with your character.

Interestingly you probably have intrusive thoughts multiple times an hour- you just don’t notice them unless they “stick out”- like this one has.

I have OCD with intrusive thoughts and at times it can be really really hard to remember “they’re not me, they’re just “junk” my mind is making”- but that is all they are.

Think of it like flicking through TV channels, and youre skipping channels when all of a sudden you see an advert for a really violent, awful, should-be-banned sort of film- you might pause for a second and freeze on it because it horrifies you so much- and end up watching it more than you’ve watched any of the hundreds of “normal” things you e skipped past - that doesn’t mean you want to watch it more than, I don’t know, Countryfile on the other channel. And it doesn’t mean you approve of the film. And you can’t hold yourself responsible for having seen it. It means it stood out so much, it shocked you, and you “froze”- because it was unexpected and not what you wanted to see.

That’s intrusive thoughts. Like yours. You’re normal OP. Totally utterly normal. And clearly very kind and empathetic to be so worried about this.

Aprilx · 13/09/2021 07:32

I was always bullied at school, from age 4 to age 14 or so, then it started to get a bit better. But for most of school my life was awful and I just dragged myself in every day.

I think I would have fleeting thoughts of karma if I heard one of my a bullys’ (I had numerous) marriages had broke down or they lost their job. But FFS a woman has gone missing, she may have been raped and murdered and she wasn’t even the bully anyway!

So no, I think it is pretty poor that somebody would immediately think of karma and that so many have said this is normal. What next? “I had to stifle a chuckle when I found out her child was diagnosed with cancer”. There is absolutely no way my thoughts would go in that direction if I had heard that kind of news of one of my bullies.

MrsSchadenfreude · 13/09/2021 07:39

I was badly bullied at school. I found out a few years ago that he has had a bad motorbike accident and sustained brain damage, to the extent that he is in sheltered accommodation, as he can’t look after himself. I did think “karma” (as did some friends). Apparently the brain damage has made him even more horrible, though, so I do feel sorry for the people looking after him.

Auroreforet · 13/09/2021 07:41

I found out recently that someone who had treated me badly is regularly bailing out their entitled brat.
I know this parent isn't happy with the way the dc has turned out and I'm quietly gloating.
No guilt whatsoever.

slashlover · 13/09/2021 07:50

I have random thoughts like this sometimes. For example when you see in the news that bad batches of drugs are on the streets, I briefly think that's what you get when you take illegal drugs.

On a lighter note, sometimes when I'm walking across a bridge my mind says "throw your bag in the river". No idea why.

SoloISland · 13/09/2021 07:53

[quote AubergineParmigiana]@Lennybenny - guess you've never been the victim of bullying [/quote]
I have, and very recently, but feel nothing but compassion for the bullies as they must be very unhappy.

Hanging on to past suffering is a bad bad thing. it poisons you and does not have any effect on the person. Thank about that? You are damaging you not them. Render to no man evil for evil are wise wise words.

And it has made you unhappy.

UmbilicusProfundus · 13/09/2021 08:01

I find it strange to feel compassion for bullies! Maybe some have had a hard life, or be unhappy. But some are just cunts.

KaptainKaveman · 13/09/2021 08:05

Wow, this thread has really brought out the sanctimonious among us hasn't it?
Performed any miracles lately, SoloISland ? converted any oil into wine? healed any lepers?

CatsArePeople · 13/09/2021 08:08

I find it strange to feel compassion for bullies! Maybe some have had a hard life, or be unhappy. But some are just cunts.

^This!
People suck.

As for OP, you have nothing to feel bad about. Nothing at all.

Auroreforet · 13/09/2021 08:11

but feel nothing but compassion for the bullies as they must be very unhappy
@SoloISland

Why does everyone say bullies must be unhappy?
Unless you are a bully you can never know.
I think some people get a kick out of feeling powerful or superior.
Perhaps all of us nice and reasonable people have got it wrong.
After all schools teach us that bullying works.
Rarely do school bullies get punished adequately.
Look how many Mnetters have been bullied.
My dh was bullied out of his job and the boss is flying even higher now.

Sadly bullying works.

Halo1234 · 13/09/2021 08:23

Totally normal.
You recognise that you don't want to feel like that. Which makes u a good person. You don't wish harm to her mum. Totally normal reaction. If she had not buried you, you would have had a totally different immediate reaction. Dont dwell on it.

Saintsofsaint · 13/09/2021 08:27

@Lennybenny

You should be ashamed. It was school. You're a grown up (I'm assuming....if you aren't then that explains it) and her Mum has gone missing. Wtf. It's normal to do the karma thing in a lot of situations but for that...no.

Actually @lennybenny has a point.

Yes it's totally normal, an intrusive thought that everybody has. But it's also normal and right to be ashamed of it. If you thought it and weren't ashamed then your important moral core would have broken down.

So please be assured you are totally normal.

JoyOrbison · 13/09/2021 08:58

UmbilicusProfundus

I find it strange to feel compassion for bullies! Maybe some have had a hard life, or be unhappy. But some are just cunts.

Indeed!

The wealthy, spoilt, little shit that has decimated my dc mental health fucking well is not unhappy, he's a definitely a little shit who is very very happy swaggering round, untouchable with parents that refuse to see any wrong doing, siblings and mates that act in a pack, and parents encouraging siblings to work together to take someone down.

Nope, don't tell me not to think bad thoughts about them.

Laughing at posters reprimanding op for thinking bad thoughts about the poor bully, igniri g the abolute hell bullies put their victim through. History will repeat itself, eh?

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