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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be really annoyed with friend?

41 replies

Yellowlines · 12/09/2021 15:18

I have a friend I’ve been friends with for many years. Our DMs were close and we ‘grew up’ together. We see each other several times a year, and I still class her as one of my closest friends, and we talk more often that we see each other.

We went out for dinner on Friday night to a very nice restaurant. It’s the first time I’ve seen her one on one for a few months (lockdown, cancellations due to isolating etc.) I was really looking forward to it, got all dressed up etc.

Anyway, she turns up with the car. She absolutely without a doubt knew that getting dressed up and meeting in the city would mean I’d assume we’d be getting taxis and enjoying a couple of drinks after the meal. Anyway, she came into the restaurant, said she’d only be able to stay for the main course, and would be driving straight home afterwards. She said she’d been busy all day with DD and hadn’t had time to think about a taxi.

Anyway, we spoke about her DC (both of whom I love, so I’m not opposed to that), their school, her DH’s new job, her DP’s marriage renewal, her new extension, what car she was considering buying. Every time I tried to say something about myself you could see her physically losing interest and looking elsewhere. It’s not a new problem, it’s gone on for years.

This time though, I had just got engaged. She said ‘how is… X?’ I said ‘no, his name is Y’, and she said ‘yes that’s right’ and moved on like nothing had happened.

Luckily said DF was on hand to continue the night out, but AIBU to be annoyed and to feel like she doesn’t care at all about anything in my life? I honestly feel like telling her not to bother coming to my wedding. Her DC are meant to be flower girl and page boy, we’re allegedly that close.

OP posts:

LaBellina · 12/09/2021 15:22

Sounds like your lives have gone into different directions and you’re not a match anymore in terms of friendship. I would be annoyed too at her behavior. Not going out for drinks I can understand if it hadn’t been explicitly discussed before but not showing any interest in your life definitely is odd and unkind on her behalf. I wouldn’t bother going out for dinner again with her.

firsttimeclock · 12/09/2021 15:24

This relationship sounds like it's got to be hard work and she's definitely giving signals she's not got time to maintain the relationship anymore. I'd step back a bit and let her take the lead in future. Still invite her to the wedding though.

mrsbyers · 12/09/2021 15:24

Don’t initiate contact or another meet up and see how she behaves , if you’re always having to push contact then it’s dead and just move on

Original poster

Yellowlines · 12/09/2021 15:28

It isn’t me having to push contact. She had invited me out last night and has already suggested we meet for lunch next.

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CarolinaInMyMind · 12/09/2021 15:35

I have had friends like this. Sometimes worth dropping as they are just self-absorbed or dont care about you. Sometimes could be because they are preoccupied. In her case, maybe she was or else she has started taking you for granted. If you ever cared about her, I would tell her. Could be interesting and could be really useful for her to know how she comes across. Might be good for your relationship!

QueenBee52 · 12/09/2021 15:37

@Yellowlines

It isn’t me having to push contact. She had invited me out last night and has already suggested we meet for lunch next.

be very unavailable ... permanently 🌸

Roonilwazlib1 · 12/09/2021 15:40

Ahe sounds very self absorbed, especially not even knowing your DP's name!

If it was unusual I'd be inclined to think something was going on with her but if its the norm I'd be very fed up of it. Maybe give it another go at lunch next time and if she goes on about herself go a bit glassy eyed and change the subject as she does to you?

It will probably feel uncomfortable at first but she clearly doesn't feel uncomfortable talking about herself all the time.

Saz12 · 12/09/2021 15:43

One bad night out isn’t enough to reconsider a long friendship over. Maybe she’s been starved of company and therefore just wanted to talk at you. A bit odd, but if it’s not her normal behaviour I’d be more forgiving. But. Forgetting your fiancé name? That’s pretty bad, particularly as her DC are in your wedding party.

MoiraNotRuby · 12/09/2021 15:45

A lot of my friends and colleagues are worried that they have forgotten how to socialise in real life. I think we all need to cut each other a little slack while we get used to this again. Especially if you are long term friends.

QueenBee52 · 12/09/2021 15:56

@MoiraNotRuby

Nah.. you really don't

Potpourri23 · 12/09/2021 15:56

If you hadn't said she was married with kids is suspect she was jealous - "forgetting" your finances name is quite passive aggressive.

Is she the sort of friend who really enjoyed being married while you were single? Sometimes they get funny when you finally get what they have!

MsTSwift · 12/09/2021 15:58

What a dreadful selfish bore. Bad luck. New people do come into your life maybe look to developing other friendships.

OhDearMuriel · 12/09/2021 16:11

She’s self-absorbed and she was very rude.
A lot of people are like this.
I wouldn’t necessarily end the friendship, but I would definitely think about cutting down on contact and not prioritising/making much of an effort with her.

Original poster

Yellowlines · 12/09/2021 16:11

She has always had a penchant for being self involved, but then can suddenly transform into excellent company on the odd night, then reverts back to self involved for a while. I decided to accept this a while back. But not even remembering DF’s name last night has really, really pissed me off.

@Potpourri23 I’ve never really thought about it. She spent her 20s & 30s with her DH, I spent them single and very happily so. I haven’t been with DF very long really but it’s not a 6 week whirlwind either. She should know his name. I don’t know if she enjoyed being married when I was single, but maybe.

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Original poster

Yellowlines · 12/09/2021 16:12

Although that said, even if it was a 6 week whirlwind you’d think she should still remember the name.

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HollowTalk · 12/09/2021 16:14

I would really hate that. She's totally self-involved and that means she's not a good friend.

MsTSwift · 12/09/2021 16:15

There is absolutely no excuse or justification for behaving like this. None.

Ourlady · 12/09/2021 16:45

I would tell her that you were very disappointed that the night didn't go as you expected it to, she made you not feel worthy of her time when she wanted to rush off after the meal and she seemed disinterested in everything you had to say as well as forgetting you partners name.

You might as well get it all out and see where you stand before the wedding or this is just going to eat away you.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/09/2021 17:24

I don't buy the forgetting to how to socialise. Is this the first time you've seen her in RL since you announced your engagement?
It is surprising that having asked her DC to be flower girl etc. that she didn't want to talk about the wedding at all.. and got your fiancee's name wrong.
Only you know if she was stressed/preoccupied had just had a really bad day... or if maybe she is a little bit jealous about your forthcoming wedding, when more attention will be on you.
If its the latter, that's not exactly friendly, especially when you've included her.
The taxi/car thing is a bit annoying if its what you usually do. I don't think I'd end it over one bad meet up and would probably give her another chance, but maybe define how you want the next one to go and say in advance about taxis etc.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/09/2021 17:26

Cross posted, but I do think that @Ourlady had a point about discussing it with her - She did say she wanted to do lunch.. maybe then?

Original poster

Yellowlines · 12/09/2021 17:33

Is this the first time you've seen her in RL since you announced your engagement?

Yes, it is actually.

As I say, she’s always been a bit self involved, but yesterday was a whole new level.

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MsTSwift · 12/09/2021 17:36

Honestly I’ve had clients literally at deaths door who still ask questions about others 🙄. I have no sympathy whatsoever for people who behave like this. Raised by wolves.

Supersimkin2 · 12/09/2021 17:48

Brutally painful for you. Give it time before you next meet and don't expect too much. People change and you might be better off without what she has to offer.

Imnothereforthedrama · 12/09/2021 18:01

@Yellowlines

Is this the first time you've seen her in RL since you announced your engagement?

Yes, it is actually.

As I say, she’s always been a bit self involved, but yesterday was a whole new level.

So does she know about the engagement? If so it’s odd that she’s not excited for you or even the fact that you’ve met someone. I’m married but I have single friends and when I meet up with them for dinner I’m thrilled that they’ve met someone new and want to know all about him how met etc . It’s very self obsessed of her , you need to just start talking about yourself more op and if she looks bored then she’s no friend , a friend is interested in another friends life .

Original poster

Yellowlines · 12/09/2021 18:10

So does she know about the engagement?

Yep. When I first met him (after years and years of being single), I told her, and she asked what he did for a living and how we met, and that is the one and only time she’s asked about him at all, except for ‘how’s DP?’ and now she can’t even get his name right. I mentioned his name at least twice last night so there is no excuse.

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