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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think my mums out of order

34 replies

Lucielockett · 12/09/2021 14:19

I'm 32 years old. I have a 6 and 3 year old. I split from their dad at Christmas and we still live in a home together as we are good friends and are not in any massive rush to sell.

I have started dating someone who is fully aware of my situation. It's quite early on. We've known eachother over a year but started dating in August after weeks of texting etc.

I only see him 2-3 tines a week. Usually always when the kids are in bed.

I usually go to his for a night on a weekend. I'm always back first thing in the morning. Kids are either still in bed or just up and with their dad. I then do 1 or 2 evenings for a meal or a dog walk. They are in bed this whole time. Occasionally I've seen him in the day if they are with grandparents or at school.

My mum contacted me this morning and said she was dropping a birthday card around. I told her I stayed at a friend's last night and may not be back until lunch time as I have arranged to have breakfast. She sent me a message back saying that sounds drastic. I said what do you mean? She said you have kids you shouldn't be staying out all night. She then said it wasn't fair me unsettling my kids and they were not used to it. I told her they were with their dad who also goes out. She continued to tell me I was being unfair and it was unnecessary. I said to her, so you think it's wrong for me to enjoy one night out with a friend most weeks and be with my kids all rgd rest of it. She then ignored me.

I'm just shocked. I am trying so hard to keep everyone happy and don't feel I am doing too much of my own thing. In 6 years I've never done anything for myself and now I'm being made to feel unentitled to date or spend time with a friend

What do you think?

OP posts:

LadyVymes · 12/09/2021 14:22

Are you seriously leaving your two small children home alone and condoning their father doing the same? Far out.

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2021 14:23

@LadyVymes

Are you seriously leaving your two small children home alone and condoning their father doing the same? Far out.

You might want to read the post again. Carefully this time.

LadyVymes · 12/09/2021 14:23

Bleurgh. Just saw your ex still lives there. In that case as long as an adult is home and able to deal with events. You go for it.

RedMarauder · 12/09/2021 14:24

Stop sharing your life with her.

And tell her your friendships are none of her business.

MCP86 · 12/09/2021 14:24

Home alone!?!? They're with their dad.

Arewenearly · 12/09/2021 14:25

Did you even read what was written? The kids are at home with their dad.

Tlollj · 12/09/2021 14:28

Your mum is hoping you and your dh will get back together.
Having a ‘friend’ means you’re less likely to.

PersonaNonGarter · 12/09/2021 14:31

You need to get some mother daughter boundaries

PotteringAlong · 12/09/2021 14:32

Either you or your ex needs to move out though. It sounds horribly unsettling for the kids. You’re together or you’re not. You say you’re in no massive rush but there are lots of mixed messages for everyone here.

Original poster

Lucielockett · 12/09/2021 14:41

They are with their dad. Not home alone.
Yes we are slowly sorting things but we have a positive relationship and are making sure we move slowly and do what's right for all of us. I know it's not ideal having a date but he's not in the kids lives. I know it may sound selfish but I really get on so well with him and he's really helping me get my head together and be happy again. I haven't had a sex life with my ex for 3 years. I am just starting to allow myself to be happy and have some adult time. I don't want to be selfish and would hate to think I'm being a bad mum for what I'm doing. I spend alot of time with my children and have not been for nights out once since they were born.
She has really upset me and I don't know what to say or do now in regards to her. She isn't aware of the man I'm dating. My ex is fully aware. My mum will think I was with a female friend as its simply not time to involve family as its early weeks of dating.

OP posts:

Mischance · 12/09/2021 14:43

She is entitled to her opinion - you are entitled to ignore it.

You and your DCs' father seem to have got things sorted - the children are fine and cared for, you are having some fun - what can the problem be?

I can understand that she finds the arrangement somewhat unusual, but if you are making it work you are entirely entitled to ignore her - you are a grown adult.

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 12/09/2021 14:45

Ime your dm doesn't want you to have a life.
You won't have as much time for her then would you?

AmelieLovesAutumn · 12/09/2021 14:49

I'm sorry she's put such a downer on your new found freedom. Your DC are safe & happy with their Dad (I assume, or you wouldn't be happy to leave them). It's not like you're never seeing the kids or hanging naked from from the chandeliers in your house (what you do in his is up to you 😂🤣)

It's hard & it hurts when your mother judges you unfavourably, but it doesn't mean she's right!!

If you can, just ignore her nonsense, you're not doing anything wrong!! (Both the men in your life are aware of the situation & both are ok with it - the kids are loved & looked after)

Cocomarine · 12/09/2021 14:49

What do I think?
Honestly… I think you’re 32 years old and that’s too old to need to start this thread!
Your mum has sone ridiculous view that a mother shouldn’t have time away from her children. There could be many different reasons for that - but it doesn’t matter, they’re all bollocks.
If you want to have a grumble about her kicking off at you - I’ll give you plenty of sympathy.
But if you’re questioning whether we think she has a point? At 32 you should be confident that no, she doesn’t.
Don’t justify it to her.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 12/09/2021 14:51

You shouldn't be staying out all night when you have kids?
I think it's a pure old fashioned sexist viewpoint. That once you have kids you shouldn't have fun, and be seen 'galavanting' around town, in fact you should stay in and martyr yourself forever.

I'm surprised you're even giving it any headspace at all. What impact does it have on your kids if you see someone else while they're in bed? All your kids know this weekend is daddy was looking after them for a morning. That's all. And surely nobody in their right mind can think that's a bad thing

romdowa · 12/09/2021 14:55

You are perfectly entitled to a night away , you don't stop being a person just because you have kids. You mother just sounds bitter and jealous. Ignore her and carry on having your fun 😊

saraclara · 12/09/2021 15:00

Jeeeze, she's going to really lose out when she finds out that you have a bloke, isn't she?

Simply don't share. You're 32. There's no reason why she should need explanations.

She's dropping a card round?
"can you make it a bit later, mum? First thing's not going to be convenient" ...etc

Bananarama21 · 12/09/2021 15:02

PotteringAlong

This I think one person needs to leave it start blurring the lines when new partners are added to the mix before separating properly from the home.

1forAll74 · 12/09/2021 15:14

I would think it was unsettling for the children, to have a situation going on like this , while you as parents, are still living together ,in a reasonably friendly manner. The children will be very confused about their parents behaviour, and it does not bode well for their views on their little family life.

myheartskippedabeat · 12/09/2021 15:19

@Lucielockett

I think your mum sounds concerned as she wants her family to be happy and clearly together but you say your working thru things with your husband in no rush to sell the house and so if you think there's a chance of sorting things out then I think you need to be fair to your husband and you "friend" and honest with yourself as to what you want and stop seeing this "friend" for sex, dog walking etc - it sounds ridiculous. You have responsibilities your not 18!

If you want to leave your husband do it but it sounds like he's a convenient doormat, sorry babysitter while you meet "your friend"

Make your mid up what you want and do the right thing

Original poster

Lucielockett · 12/09/2021 15:22

@myheartskippedabeat

Thats ridiculous. We both go out and share the childcare. We both go out together with the kids. We are both good friends. Its just an expensive complex situation with the house
And we don't hate eachother so we are just taking our time. He is not a babysitter.

Why am I not entitled to sex and dog walks and meals? I have feelings and I need to be loved and happy. I have not rushed into this. I've slept alone for years and not had a man near me. I've met someone very similar to me who brings out my confidence and has made me laugh again. He's a good man. Why shouldn't I have that? My ex was out the other day with a friend. He was at a stag weekend last month. It's equal.

OP posts:

MissJeanBrodiesprime · 12/09/2021 15:24

I don’t think you’re doing anything wrong at all. Could your mum be a little jealous of your freedom? May be she wasn’t able to have time away from you or your siblings, if you have any, when you were young?
It’s not about you moving on as she doesn’t know it’s a man you’re meeting/staying with so I can only think she is a little bitter about your life.
You have obviously taken steps to ensure your kids are not affected unnecessarily so I would just be polite with your mum and continue as you are.

rjacksmiss · 12/09/2021 15:32

100% not doing anything wrong! X

Cocomarine · 12/09/2021 15:41

@1forAll74

🤣 don’t be silly! Do you think the OP is calling out to her 6yo, “see you tomorrow sweetie - mummy’s off out for an away shag tonight!”? You’re being ridiculous.

Their view on family life will be that mums and dads have nights out with friends sometimes. How on Earth does that not “bode well?”

Doom mongering nonsense.

Cocomarine · 12/09/2021 15:48

@myheartskippedabeat I don’t think the working things through comment meant working things through to continue the marriage, but working through how to split.
Which might be - hmmm, this is expensive and complex, let’s not rush.

I ended my marriage - ex cheated. We had a 5yo. He bought me out, bought a house nearby. We said nothing to her until 4 months later when the new house was mine (and I’d even decorated her new room). Of course when we told her, together, that there were two houses in her future - she wanted to see it!

What was better? Telling a 5yo that I didn’t know when or where this house would be, leaving her with uncertainty, and having to go to an unfamiliar rental?

Or what we did… which was to be able to respond to her, “what house? Where?” with the offer that if she wanted to - she could go and see it? That night, 2 hours after being told about the divorce, she was oooooohing over a brand new bedroom and asking if we could all sleep there that night. Which we did. Daddy on the floor in her room, because we lightly said that this one would be her house with mummy - so we had to “invite” daddy for the sleepover. No upset, no confusion. Years on, she’s never had an blurred boundaries or confusion. Kids aren’t stupid.

OP, sounds like you and your ex are managing things brilliantly 👏🏻

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