To think my mums out of order

[Lucielockett]

I'm 32 years old. I have a 6 and 3 year old. I split from their dad at Christmas and we still live in a home together as we are good friends and are not in any massive rush to sell.

I have started dating someone who is fully aware of my situation. It's quite early on. We've known eachother over a year but started dating in August after weeks of texting etc.

I only see him 2-3 tines a week. Usually always when the kids are in bed.

I usually go to his for a night on a weekend. I'm always back first thing in the morning. Kids are either still in bed or just up and with their dad. I then do 1 or 2 evenings for a meal or a dog walk. They are in bed this whole time. Occasionally I've seen him in the day if they are with grandparents or at school.

My mum contacted me this morning and said she was dropping a birthday card around. I told her I stayed at a friend's last night and may not be back until lunch time as I have arranged to have breakfast. She sent me a message back saying that sounds drastic. I said what do you mean? She said you have kids you shouldn't be staying out all night. She then said it wasn't fair me unsettling my kids and they were not used to it. I told her they were with their dad who also goes out. She continued to tell me I was being unfair and it was unnecessary. I said to her, so you think it's wrong for me to enjoy one night out with a friend most weeks and be with my kids all rgd rest of it. She then ignored me.

I'm just shocked. I am trying so hard to keep everyone happy and don't feel I am doing too much of my own thing. In 6 years I've never done anything for myself and now I'm being made to feel unentitled to date or spend time with a friend

What do you think?

You don't have to tell your mother everything, Lucie.

This will blow over but in future, keep private things to yourself.

Your children are fine at home in bed with their dad downstairs.

OP Hope you are having a great time, your Mum just wants the best for her Grandchildren and she is worried about you, just give her time. x

@1forAll74

I would think it was unsettling for the children, to have a situation going on like this , while you as parents, are still living together ,in a reasonably friendly manner. The children will be very confused about their parents behaviour, and it does not bode well for their views on their little family life.

I don't understand why the situation would be more unsettling for the children than their parents splitting up and one parent living somewhere else.

From the sound of it OP and her children's dad aren't fighting or shouting at each other and have an amicable relationship.

How are the children going to be confused about their parents' behaviour, the OP isn't introducing her date to her children or bringing him home.

Loads of women in committed relationships go away to friends or work overnight, I'm sure their children aren't unsettled or confused by it.

Ignore you mother OP and stop sharing the details of your life with her.

You're doing nothing wrong.

Thank you for all the comments. I am always thinking of my children and trying to be respectful to my ex and give my new man some of my time too. I am trying to get a balance. It's hard and I have often questioned whether it's best I had nothing but didn't change the kids lives. I'm starting to realise they need their mum happy and that means me being positive. Having a few hours a week to be me and be an adult again has been lovely.
I hope our choices never hurt our kids. I hope they always know they are loved and we care about eachother.

My mum's a complex woman. She's always been cold. Never gave us any affection growing up and has been a house wife forever. She made the choice to just be home. Read her books. Potter about. Pop to town once a week. She's never had friends or done stuff away from my dad. So I think she can't get her head around me not following in her footsteps and just running the house.

I can't even imagine telling her I'm dating someone. I want to keep it for myself for a few more months yet. Which is tricky as he likes walking me home or going for a walk through town in the evening. So there's always a chance someone will see. But if people can't respect my choices I guess I'll have to just cut them out.
I don't usually discuss things like this with her. It was just because they were coming to our house. She must have thought last night was the first night but it wasn't.
I don't know whether to say anything else to her or just stay silent. I just feel really upset by her reaction and the lack of respect she was showing me.

You sound so happy with where you are right now. Don't let anyone burst that bubble.❤

When you and your husband eventually divorce and live separately, you will be seeing your partner when your kids are with their dad, so what the difference?!

People just don't like what they don't understand. Your kids deserve 2 happy parents, whether they be together or separated.
But I would advise trying to resolve the loving situation as soon as possible. A friend of mine was in the same situation, with older kids than you and when her ex eventually moved out, it turned into a terribly bitter and nasty situation and 1 of the children had a complete personality change - becoming much more quiet and withdrawn.
I'm obviously not saying this will definitely happen, but if you and your ex have such a good relationship now, I would do my utmost to keep it like that, with proper separation and boundaries

but it sounds like he's a convenient doormat, sorry babysitter while you meet "your friend"

What a misogynistic view. The DC's Dad is a parent, he's not babysitting, he's parenting. I bet you don't see the OP as a babysitter when Dad goes out.

I think OP and her 'D'H deserve credit for trying to create a stable, loving and amicable environment whilst they negotiate the process of splitting up. A little unconventional, maybe, but certainly not unheard of. The DC aren't seeing blurred lines, it's only adults that understand the complexity of relationships and are raising an eyebrow and they need to keep their noses out.

I was in a similar situation to you 4 years ago OP.

Sadly I now have a very fraught relationship with my mother after her behaviour. I no longer share much of my life with her and the most liberating thing is living over 100 miles from her now and realising her opinions have no bearing on my life and I can just ignore her now when she starts getting overbearing.

When she finds out you are in a new relationship it might get worse. I was also told I was a bad mum because I started to have a little bit of a life after 3 years of a sexless, loveless relationship where I didn't go anywhere or do anything. On nights when my daughter was with her dad I spent time with my new partner and because we occasionally went away for the weekend or out for dinner I was selfish. It seemed like I was expected to sit at home twiddling my thumbs when her dad was doing me this great favour of "babysitting".

I really hope it doesn't go like this for you. I owned my house and allowed my ex to continue living there as he had nowhere else to go. It wasn't as amicable as you and became awkward. He eventually moved in with my mum who then gave him the deposit for a rental. He has spent the last 4 Christmases at her house with my family, she says she feels sorry for him but really it's about control and ensuring that whatever she says or does to me that she still has access to her grandchild. Despite the fact I'd never stop my daughter seeing her granny and have, on many occasions, bit my tongue and let so many things slide just to keep the peace with her.

It's a horrible situation to be in and I wish you all the best but at the end of the day it is upsetting to not have the support of your mother when you are finding a little happiness again.

Of course you are entitled to go out and leave the kids with Dad. Enjoy it whilst you can as once you are living in separate houses you may have less time to do it.