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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not to want to say happy diwali to my mil as it is not my religion

67 replies

ineedapoo · 04/12/2007 13:13

?

OP posts:
oranges · 04/12/2007 13:29

what does she want to come and do for Christmas? If she wants to bring them presents and eat with you, is there a problem? If she is going to complain about it, then suggest she comes another day. The words Happy Christmas are not worth rupturing a family for.

nametaken · 04/12/2007 13:30

wise words morningpaper

SweetSnowflake · 04/12/2007 13:31

Dunno why she wants to come to you at Christmas if she wont celebrate it?, but regarding the children, tell them gran doesnt celebrate Christmas and is not being rude, so not to get upset by it

Original poster
ineedapoo · 04/12/2007 13:32

I thought that twiglett. This probaly has happened because myself and dh decided to expose our dc to both cultures but not bring them up in either religion. They haven't been christened etc. When they are old enough they can be what ever religion they want. We will respect that decision just as w erespect the decision of our parents to have their own religious believes which they can explain to our dc. MIL does not like that

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedapoo · 04/12/2007 13:34

oranges no idea why she wants to come for christmas. Just looks disapproving won't eat with us. I would much rather celebrate diwali etc with her and Christmas with my family or on our own. But she announces it is her turn to come to us for christmas

OP posts:
Brandnewchristmaspyjamasgirl · 04/12/2007 13:35

yabu

morningpaper · 04/12/2007 13:36

Actually ineedapoo, your MIL is right. You can't bring up children in NO religion and expect them to 'choose'. That isn't how it works, unfortunately. Your children will make the same choice that you have - no religion. You can't expect your children to 'choose' a culture and religion! It's something that you grow up in.

Both these threads sound like you have got major issues with your MIL, which is a shame. She is part of your family though, so making your children taunt her by wishing her 'happy christmas' every day in December is extremely intolerant and rude. You need to think of constructive ways forward for your relationship with her, and try to find common ground, rather than driving each other crazy.

Cashncarry · 04/12/2007 13:36

Sounds to me like you've got a lot more problems with your MIL than just the fact that she won't say happy Christmas.

You say that you're bringing up the children to "respect" both religions but not to take on either of them. I don't think you can reasonably expect her to like that situation. She's 70 years old so pretty stuck in her ways plus she's from a foreign country so more likely to think it's important that your DH, her son, carry on the "family religion" as it's part of ensuring that her culture stays alive.

I'm not saying you're wrong - it's just that you can't expect her to agree you just because that's what you and your DH have decided.

Cashncarry · 04/12/2007 13:37

cross-posts with mp so it must be right!

SweetSnowflake · 04/12/2007 13:37

then id ask her why, and explain nicely that as she wont wish your dc Merry Christmas, you would rather she come at a time she wont feel so strongly against as the children will be v.excited about it

Original poster
ineedapoo · 04/12/2007 13:40

Morningpaper we did research this and it does work in other families. We were both brought in religous familes and have found our own paths by CHOICE. Which religion should we choose ??????

DC are not told to say happy christma sto her they just do and sing songs etc I don't make them thay are their own people

OP posts:
GooseyLoosey · 04/12/2007 13:41

I would wish her happy diwali (although I can see why you raise the question). I would not let her come for Christmas.

If she does not belive in it, that is up to her but if she does not want to take part in it to the extent of not wishing happy christmas to your dcs, I would explain to her that it is a joyous celebration (of winter/religion - whatever) and the day should be spent with other people who are celebrating.

Original poster
ineedapoo · 04/12/2007 13:42

cashncarry I don't expect her to agree but to respect our decision would be nice

OP posts:
Original poster
ineedapoo · 04/12/2007 13:42

cashncarry I don't expect her to agree but to respect our decision would be nice

OP posts:
morningpaper · 04/12/2007 13:44

Ineedapoo if you said you were bringing them up to celebrate parts of BOTH religions (you are both practising) then that would make more sense, but I don't see how bringing children up in NO religion is going to teach them anything about a life of faith?

Original poster
ineedapoo · 04/12/2007 13:47

Perhaps I phrased it badly I am very annoyed. They do celebrate parts of both religions but are not being raised as a ..... with all the associated christening, naming bits etc

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 04/12/2007 13:48

I think it's a difficult situation where you're both from different cultures and I can see why you wouldn't "choose" at this early stage - it's almost like saying one culture/religion is more important than another. We haven't "chosen" (Hindu/Muslim) but that's because we think organised religion is a crock of sh*t but that's a whole other thread!

The main thing here seems to be a difference in personalities rather than religion. You're setting yourself up as "open-minded and tolerant" as against her "intolerance" and perceived racism. I think that's a mistake - she comes from another generation and a different background. I think you would be doing your "tolerance" an injustice by refusing to see things from her point of view. Her deep-rooted beliefs might spring from a place where she feels she has to be "more Hindu" because she lives in a different country. She might even have had experiences which have led her to be more "militant" in her approach than she was in her home country.

Maybe you should ask yourself why she's so against Christmas? Have you spoken to her about her early experiences over here? Did she face racism? Did she feel like she had to "assimiliate" to get ahead in life? Was her name anglicised? I'm not trying to excuse her behaviour but I think, from your DH and DCs perspective, it might be more helpful if you try to understand her before villifying her attitude.

morningpaper · 04/12/2007 13:48

How do you pray with them?

Twiglett · 04/12/2007 13:49

ineedapoo .. DH and I made the same decision, it is the only one you can make I think when you have two cultures colliding

also helps that both DH and I are rather atheistic

Cashncarry · 04/12/2007 13:49

Cross posts with your comment re: respecting your decision. I do think YAB a bit U to expect her to respect your decision - she's your MIL not your best friend

morningpaper · 04/12/2007 13:50

You are full of rage ineeapoo. There are obviously loads of issues with your MIL. I think you and your DH need to sit down and discuss it together. Good luck.

Original poster
ineedapoo · 04/12/2007 13:50

Her own daughter has said on christma sday just say happy christams to them. Why she won't say it I don't know she just says I don't want to when asked

OP posts:
Twiglett · 04/12/2007 13:52

let me make this clear

DH and I both brought up in strong religions

DH and I both think it is a load of hypocritical bullshit

DH and I both choose the nice celebratory bits of religion and let the children enjoy them

DH and I both reject organised religion as central to our lives, or even as a part of our lives

DH and I say to children that Daddy was brough up as aa, Mummy was brought up bb, they are part of both and can choose to be both, one or the other, neither or something totally different

kids happy and we're happy

Original poster
ineedapoo · 04/12/2007 13:53

Christmas and my MIL annoys me the rest of the year fine but why fgs does she want to come when she obviously disapproves of the whole celebration

OP posts:
Cashncarry · 04/12/2007 13:53

Well, if she's not listening to her daughter then she's not going to listen to you.

I think you're banging your head against a bit of a brick wall if you keep asking yourself why she won't say it. She just won't - end of. It's up to you whether or not that's going to be something that eats you up from the inside or something you just shrug your shoulders and say "Oh well, her loss". I think the latter is better from yours and your DCs' perspective.