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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to ask how you KNEW your relationship was over?

41 replies

Travis1 · 12/09/2021 11:00

DH and I are currently on day 3 of being cordial when needed and not a lot else. I’m not sure if we’re both just over worked and stressed and desperately in need of a holiday or if our relationship is just coming to an end.

I don’t know. I don’t think either have done anything world ending but he can be stroppy and gets wound up about things that I think are irrelevant. I do think he has anxiety issues and potentially OCD from behaviours he has. Lists/orders of tasks/the way things ‘have’ to be done.

We’ve been together a very long time. I just don’t know if this is a feeling that will pass or if I should be making plans to leave.

OP posts:

Original poster

Travis1 · 12/09/2021 11:00

Ooops cut my final paragraph out.

Anyway, AIBU to ask how you knew your relationship was over to take that step?

OP posts:

lockdownalli · 12/09/2021 11:09

When I felt a moment of disappointment and irritation when his car pulled up on the drive after work.

Brutal but true.

You don't need to provide anyone with a full reasoned and detailed explanation of why you don't want to be with someone any more. If you aren't happy with him and believe you would be happier single/with someone else then of course you should leave.

LindaEllen · 12/09/2021 11:19

I knew mine was over when he booked a 10k on a significant birthday of mine on the other side of the country, and booked to stay over two nights, meaning he wouldn't see me on my birthday at all. He then didn't even phone or text, and didn't leave me a gift/card. He came back and didn't mention anything about my birthday whatsoever.

He was a twat.

Mirrorpalm · 12/09/2021 11:24

I think it’s probably over if you’re wondering whether it’s over without seeming to care too much about it. That’s how mine ended

thepeopleversuswork · 12/09/2021 11:24

I knew inside that my marriage was over for a good 2-3 years before I admitted it to myself. It took him threatening to burn my home down unless I leant him money to start a business after he'd walked out of a perfectly good job to actually focus my mind on this.

Which is why its always good to listen to what your instincts are telling you.

That said, your post doesn't make it clear whether you have been unhappy for a long time or if this is a short-term blip. But you say he gets "stroppy" and wound up about trivial things. Can you be a bit more specific? Getting occasionally irritable about trivial stuff is one thing. Routinely getting angry about something trivial is a whole other matter.

WhenZoomWasJustAnIceLolly · 12/09/2021 11:25

I knew when I asked myself how I would feel if my daughter was in a marriage like this. And I knew I would be devastated if that’s how her life turned out.

WhenIsItTooLate · 12/09/2021 11:27

Watching with interest. Think we’re in a similar situation OP. I’ve just had a thread going in relationships which has been useful and eye opening in a lot of ways.
Good luck with your answers.

isseys4xmastinselcats · 12/09/2021 11:31

mine was the classic when i saw the messages from women on match.com to him arranging meetings that was it game over

funinthesun19 · 12/09/2021 11:34

When every single day was spent fantasising about a life where I’m not with him and how much happier I would be.

The final kick up the bum was when he broke some furniture in a temper. I’d put up with a lot before that, but that day was the day my life changed and I’ve never looked back.

MyVisionsComeFromSoup · 12/09/2021 11:36

When I found myself wondering if he was getting close to another woman, and realising that I didn't actually care. That was when I knew it was over for me.

When I actually did something about it, was when we had two sessions of couples counselling, and I knew I didn't want to hear him talking about himself for an hour again.

When I knew that leaving was the right decision, was about a week after I moved out and I realised that what I'd been feeling for years was depression, and it had lifted.

Still got a mountain of work to do on me (turns out naming and processing emotional abuse is harder than actually going through it, but in a good positive way, like a really hard workout), but knowing that I never have to care about him being "disappointed" in whatever I've done or not done ever again is most definitely worth it.

MyCatIsAFuckwit · 12/09/2021 11:38

@lockdownalli

"When I felt a moment of disappointment and irritation when his car pulled up on the drive after work".
I got the same feeling of dark clouds and doom descending when hearing the front door open.
We are separated now and I never have that feeling.
Good luck OP

bert3400 · 12/09/2021 11:41

I imagined being in the relationship for the rest of my life, that filled me with complete fear and sadness . Finished it the next day. That was 26 years ago and it was the best decision I made. He is was & now a complete waste of time, space and oxygen .

DeeDimer · 12/09/2021 11:49

16 years married, had separated but he wouldn't leave the house and I couldn't afford to with the kids so lived under one roof. Not good.
A few months later I had a phone call from the police to say he'd had a RTC. I went to A&E (he was in Resus) to see him. I felt absolutely nothing. Relieved he was ok but no emotion whatsoever.
Quite a turning point.

Evesgarden · 12/09/2021 11:49

When he lied to my face and to try and convinced me more spoke to me in a slow patronising voice to try and make out I was stupid.

I found out pretty easily he was lying and he exploded when I confronted him.

But we had been distant for a while before then, just two people living in the same house.

@Travis1 I really really recommend reading the book Too good too leave, too bad to stay

I had already decided I wanted to split at this point but I downloaded it and it really solidified that I would be happier separating. The author is a family councillor with over 40 years experience her name is Mira Kirshenbaum. It isn't a book that is directed only at leaving but looking at key points in your relationship and seeing if they can be salvaged or if you were going to be happier separating.

It was a real light bulb moment for me, lots of things I hadn't really thought about came to the surface because the book makes you really think about stuff and before I was a third of the way through the book I knew I would be happier leaving. By the end of it I was determined and solid on the fact we were separating and Ive never regretted it once. People were really shocked when we separated and couldn't understand that we split after only 'one big row' but the reality of it was our relationship had died years ago and this book really helped me pick out definitive moments when its shows it clearly had.

You can download or buy the book in paper back and its not expensive but honestly its well worth a read.

Littleants · 12/09/2021 13:42

I knew my relationship was over when I started asking others for help and advice to leave; I really knew I had to go when I had a dream warning me about what he was going to do next.

DilemmaDelilah · 12/09/2021 14:25

I knew he had to go when I found out that he had a load of credit card debt he had no way to pay. I knew he was bad with money before we married so we agreed that I would deal with all the finances and he would give me all his pay/benefits less an agreed amount for personal spending every month. We had very little money and I earned most of it. He started paying me less and lied about his income, then I found a bank statement of his which showed that he had taken out a credit card and was taking out cash to spend at the pub (it was 20 years ago). He had had several 'last chances' but this was the straw that broke the camel's back. I had been scrimping and saving to ensure all the bills were paid, we were all fed and clothed and I bought and paid for all Christmas and birthday presents (including my own) and he was in debt because he wanted to go to the pub and get drunk. Getting rid of him was the best thing I have ever done.

Peace43 · 12/09/2021 14:47

He yelled at the dog. I’d been really unhappy for a long time but that day was the end. Poor dog. It took him huffing as I put dinner on the table for it to escape out of my mouth. I’d had my teeth clenched for so long. Looking back there were plenty more very near misses when I should have let it out!

harriethoyle · 12/09/2021 15:07

He asked me on the Friday night when my dad's life saving operation was. It was the following monday, had been in the shared calendar for months and I was staying at my parents for the two weeks immediately after it, which was also in the calendar. It felt so utterly contemptuous about something so important to me. It was like a light bulb going on.

As soon as I knew my dad had survived, i started making plans to split and it was done within the month. Haven't regretted it for a moment and am now with the absolute love of my life...

Dibble135 · 12/09/2021 15:26

My emotionally abusive ex left me for the 8th time in as many years. It was a control thing to bring me back into line and always worked before as I would be devastated and beg him back.

That last time I was still devastated but I knew I couldn’t carry on so I deleted his number and changed the locks.

Took me around two years to recover and it was hard but so worth it.

ArtfulScreamer · 12/09/2021 19:25

With ExH it was when at a dinner party there was a stupid hypothetical question about who you'd donate a kidney to your DH or your BFF and without a doubt I knew I'd give it my BFF as she'd always be a part of my life where as I couldn't say the same for now ExH.
With current DH other than our children needing them he could have any organ he required and the thought of him posing a question like the thread title would devastate me so like a previous poster alluded to if you're having to ask the question your relationship is possibly not far from it's crunch point.

cereallover · 12/09/2021 19:30

When he didn't stand up to his mum when she said "Oh at his age he will just get something else and die from that " when I was happily telling her and everyone at dinner my dad was having his last round of chemo.

BearPomBear · 12/09/2021 19:36

When he said to me and our young son "I can't even go on holiday without dragging you too along". I'd put up with far worse but that was the straw that broke the camels back and I'm finally free!!!!! :)

BearPomBear · 12/09/2021 19:37

*you two.....he expected me to pay half despite earning a quarter of what he did

isitweds9thseptyet · 12/09/2021 19:57

When a colleague, what happened to be male, and i got chatting at a conference. Thought nothing more of it.

Two weeks later he passed through my office on my day off and left a book on my desk for me that he had thought i'd like to read as it was related to an interest id discussed with him during the chat a few weeks before. All platonic.

However, i cried for a week at the kindness and thoughtfulness of the gesture. I realised how starved of affection i was and how it has been years since anyone had listened to a word i said or gone out of their way to do sth i might like. He 'heard me'.

I knew i couldn't live another 40 plus years like that.

Bella43 · 13/09/2021 07:59

I'd stopped loving him years before I left. His attitude towards me was appalling and he never appreciated anything I did. He wouldn't help with housework, childcare, nothing. We had so many arguments about it. The final straw was when I was getting ready for work one morning and was late because I was trying to get the kids ready for school and everything seemed to be going wrong. It was his day off so I went upstairs to wake him and ask him to help. Guess what? He was already awake and was sat up in bed watching gmtv! I said I'm late for work and it's chaos downstairs. He said, I know, I can hear. He didn't give a damn and carried on watching tv. The marriage was over from that moment on. Wish I'd left years before I did but kept trying for the sake of the kids.

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