AIBU to ask how you KNEW your relationship was over?

[Travis1]

DH and I are currently on day 3 of being cordial when needed and not a lot else. I’m not sure if we’re both just over worked and stressed and desperately in need of a holiday or if our relationship is just coming to an end.

I don’t know. I don’t think either have done anything world ending but he can be stroppy and gets wound up about things that I think are irrelevant. I do think he has anxiety issues and potentially OCD from behaviours he has. Lists/orders of tasks/the way things ‘have’ to be done.

We’ve been together a very long time. I just don’t know if this is a feeling that will pass or if I should be making plans to leave.

We were having an argument about something stupid, can’t even remember what. I said I needed to cool down a bit and I was going to go for a walk.

He said “please don’t go” so I sat back down beside him and put my hand on top of his.

Couple of minutes later, without a word or a backward glance, he stood up and walked away.

When the thought of ever having sex with him again was just utter revulsion. And any physical affection he showed me made me shudder and recoil almost without realising I was doing it.

Just to offer an alternative perspective, I found myself wondering this after DH was acting awfully to me for what I considered tiny things, but it turns out he has almost crippling contamination OCD and I have supported him to get help. He admits he behaved poorly and is making a huge effort to get better. Might be worth exploring the OCD avenue unless you think the relationship is over either way.

I've long thought my marriage should have ended years ago. He doesn't understand why I still cower and get hung up on the physical abuse he used to inflict on me. He replaced the physical abuse with emotional, so although he claimed he saw the red mist in fact he DID have control over his fists. He gaslights, he demands honesty then lies himself, he calls me names, he shouts in my face...he's a violent person. In my 20s I excused it because he could explain it away, violent upbringing, mental health issues...but after 20 years I've had enough. I'm now planning my escape. What tipped me over the edge? Him calling me a c* in front of my daughter. Nah, enough.

When I realised that our future would be exactly the same as our past. An endless railroad of me parenting our child, maintaining and cleaning the house, initiating and running our social life, booking holidays that he just turned up for and dealing with my toxic family.... completely alone. Whilst he behaved like a single man, obsessed with his work and his hobbies.

I realised I could still do all of that and not have to accommodate a cold, emotionally unavailable, manipulative dickhead as well. Best decision I ever made.

When I found myself crying at my desk at 5pm as I didn't want to go home

We weren't married but I remember friends asking me if I thought he was going to propose soon and instead of being excited I felt utter abject terror at the thought.

He keep going off on long car rallies and didn't worry about what I was doing, and said he didn't want kids as they would get in the way of him doing them...

When I tried to imagine being with him when the kids had grown up and it was just us in 30 years. Could I face life with him day in day out. Could I imagine growing old with him?
I made plans and left soon after.

My ex of over 16 years asked me to sit down to discuss something serious. I thought it was to do with work. He said he wanted to talk about our relationship. I was quite surprised at this as talking that involved emotions were really not his skill set. He proceeded to tell me quite calmly that he had no feelings for me and would I pack my personal possessions and leave. He glanced around the room at this point as if musing what they would be.

Tiny voice inside which I ignored for 6 months. You know deep down. It just takes a while for your head to catch up to your gut instinct.

When I was taking on more work so I didn't have to go home to him. When he was hitting me and I didn't fight back, just let him do it. The feeling of dread when I knew he would be home.

I've been with my new dh 7 years now and I still feel excited when I know he's coming home.

For me it was waking up after another shitty petty argument, we were sitting in awkward silence all day (Boxing Day) that I realised I simply didn't want to do it anymore, he was sucking the life out of me and we were shot parents because of it too.
I don't regret it for a second. He is remarried when another child and I am remarried with 2 more, I don't know about him but I feel so much more supported, happier and calmer and able to breathe.

When he blacked my eye for the second time in.a fortnight. I was only 19. I was too ashamed to go to my parents' so went to a friend's house and she helped me. I remarried eventually to a decent man.

When I found myself crying at my desk at 5pm as I didn't want to go home

Kind of had something similar when I did not get off at my tube stop on the circle line and instead spent the next hour looping around zone 1 watching stations pass and commuters hop on and off and just thinking about how miserable I was and that I did not want to go home.