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Original poster

For feeling sad that my son’s growing up

53 replies

Mumoffootieboys · 12/09/2021 10:50

I posted this over in parenting but seem to get more traffic over here and I’m desperate for some advice…

My son is 13, just gone into y9 at school and I’m really struggling with how he’s changed.
He’s been getting moodier over the past year or so, doesn’t want any affection from me and barely even speaks to me. He doesn’t want to do anything much as a family any more, only really wants to do things with his dad and his dads friends. I’ve also recently found some things on his phone where he’s been messaging girls on social media being flirty etc. All of which I’m sure is normal behaviour for his age but I hate it!
I know I’m probably being really dramatic but I feel like I’m grieving for the boy he once was. I keep crying when I look at old pics and think about things we used to do.
Please tell me anyone else has felt like this?

OP posts:
vodkaredbullgirl · 12/09/2021 10:54

Welcome to the teenage years, you will get used to it.

GnomeyGnome · 12/09/2021 10:55

I could've written your post. Exact same situation here. I don't have any advice for you, hopefully someone will because I'd appreciate some also. I've tried to be laid back and I do remember being a teen and the resulting hormones, identity issues, wanting to become my own person etc so try to give him space to figure out who he is growing up to be. But it's so hard and feels like he just changed overnight. I miss him.

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 12/09/2021 10:56

I get it, but it's normal. You need to endure these years because they won't last forever and he has to grow up.

Marni83 · 12/09/2021 10:56

What do you do with him?

Marni83 · 12/09/2021 10:58

I have adapted as a single parent

I don’t necessarily want to watch go karting, see fast and furious 9 at the cinema etc etc

But I do it to continue a good relationship with him

And it works. Most of the time!

Marni83 · 12/09/2021 10:59

I never wanted him to see his dad’s as the fun place whereas mum’s is drudge

Brollypackedforscottishholiday · 12/09/2021 11:02

Try and look at the positives..
Now you can :
Wee in peace
Hog the remote control as heaven forbid you suggest he sits with you watching TV
Pop to the shops and leave him home
See a friend without dragging him along
Show him how to use a washing machine cutting your chores
Send him to the shops
Enjoy the peace op!
He will be back!! Ds 17 is very sociable and chatty!!

Sallycinnamum · 12/09/2021 11:06

I can totally sympathise OP.

My DS has mood swings that totally blindside me. Yesterday we popped into town and he was chatting away to me about school and the next minute was monosyllabic and had a face like thunder!

I will admit I've shed a few tears over the last few months as I am struggling with him changing so much.

The baby and toddler years were challenging enough but this is a whole different ball game!

latedecember1963 · 12/09/2021 11:18

12 or 13 seems to be a bit of a watershed with boys. I remember DS1 aged 12 threatening me with a restraining order if I hugged him in public. Even though he was grinning as he said it, I knew he wasn't joking. DS2 also set his boundaries and they both have gradually loosened their ties with us which is how it should be.
I would echo what Marni83 said. Going to karate and chess competitions and Pokemon events weren't our thing but they were their's and if we expected them to go along to family things it seemed a quid pro quo.
Car journeys are also a chance to catch up with what's going on in their lives in a casual chatty way.
He's still your little boy, but he's also trying to adjust, just like you are.
Our lads are now 28 and 22 and DS1 has long got over his aversion to mum hugs!

LizzieBet14 · 12/09/2021 11:29

I totally get this - I was mourning my children's early years & all the things we used to do together. I was really struggling with it and then my daughter became very unwell and is left with a life long condition - I learned to love the small things in life and appreciate that they both had a great start in life.
Time is too precious - enjoy what you have.xx

Original poster
Mumoffootieboys · 12/09/2021 12:50

To be honest I don’t really do anything with him, he doesn’t want to. Now and again he’ll ask me if I want to watch him play his PlayStation which is the most boring thing on earth but I do it just so I can spend some time with him.
I don’t mind him doing stuff with his dad, they have more common interests and thankfully his dad also disciplines him well too so he doesn’t just see him as the fun one.

OP posts:
Marni83 · 12/09/2021 16:39

@Mumoffootieboys

To be honest I don’t really do anything with him, he doesn’t want to. Now and again he’ll ask me if I want to watch him play his PlayStation which is the most boring thing on earth but I do it just so I can spend some time with him. I don’t mind him doing stuff with his dad, they have more common interests and thankfully his dad also disciplines him well too so he doesn’t just see him as the fun one.
But if you want to be close to him, it’s not about “common interests”. You are unlikely to have much In common with a 13 year old boy.

I have very little in common with my son!

However because I want a relationship with him, I make the effort to book things that I know he will enjoy. So it’s cinema for action films, go karting, climbing centre.

And whilst I don’t have an interest in it, I enjoy it because I see my son enjoying it

And then we have something to talk about and share

Marni83 · 12/09/2021 16:40

Rather than just crying about it
You can try to do something about it

DesdemonaDryEyes · 12/09/2021 16:42

Listen to

Slipping through my fingers

by ABBA

Have a good cry.

Then get a grip.

hellswelshy · 12/09/2021 17:00

Aww op totally sympathise. I had the exact same phase last year..just before dd's turned 13. To the point I had a few nights having a weep at bedtime! I am still struggling a bit, but better now. The plus points are me and dh have more time to ourselves, they are able to do lots more for themselves. But in terms of needing you, I think a 13 year old needs you more than ever, in other more emotional and guiding kind of ways. It's hard though, I agree!

theliverpoolone · 12/09/2021 17:45

Me too OP. I really miss my little girl Sad. DD also has some complex mental health issues alongside the general teenage moodiness, and I'd give anything to go back to a time when she was happy and carefree, and we had fun together. I also get upset looking at old photos. I wish I'd known how hard this would be, so I could have appreciated the earlier years more at the time.

Noshowwithoutpunch · 12/09/2021 17:57

I feel like I'm losing both my dc (10&12).
DS 12 is now taller than me and it really feels like I've lost my little boy.
I try and remember all the good times we had when dc were little but my memories feel hazy. I wish I had taken it all in and paid more attention. I know people say children grow so fast but I wasn't expecting them to turn into young people quite so suddenly somehow.

Original poster
Mumoffootieboys · 12/09/2021 17:59

@Marni83 I have tried!! Maybe you are lucky that your kid wants to do things with you! I have tried seeing if he wants to do things that interest him but at the minute nothing interests him other than playing football or watching YouTube! And as I said I will watch him play fifa as that’s the only thing he wants to do.

OP posts:
Nonicknamesforcatapillars · 12/09/2021 18:10

It may not work, but have you tried just booking something. You know like climbing, go karting, inflatable water park, paint balling etc. And just saying “ds ive booked this for the weekend, thought it would be nice to do it as a family”. He might moan a bit, but if it’s an activity he’ll enjoy I’m sure when the time comes you’ll have a nice day.

They do naturally grow apart from you as they get older, it’s just the way of things. Over the holidays I’ve spent a fortune on shopping, theatre trips, climbing, paintballing and all that sort of stuff so that the dds and I spend some quality time together. They’re 16 and 13 and I’m aware that it won’t be long before they’re off on their own, especially dd1. So I’m making a huge effort to do as many “fun” things with them while I can. Even if my bank balance is suffering for it!

Phial · 12/09/2021 18:18

I feel this as well sometimes. DS is 14 and it literally happened overnight. I think it's ok to miss the child they once were. Mine mainly wants to do his hobbies with his friends not his mum, so climbing/karting not really an option.
He likes cooking though, and that brings us together, so it's not all bad.
But I hear ya, it's tough.

Marni83 · 12/09/2021 18:27

My son’s default is often “no thanks”

But there’s not many 13 year olds that wouldn’t love go karting, or seeing an inappropriate film with a tub of cinema!

Marni83 · 12/09/2021 18:28

Tub of popcorn

toomuchlaundry · 12/09/2021 18:33

Are there any boxsets you could watch together? We did this with DS for the last few years.

Kite22 · 12/09/2021 18:33

He sounds very normal to me.

Did you "grieve" for the newborn when he started cruising and pointing and attempting words ?
Did you "grieve" for the baby when he started toddling?
Did you "grieve" for the tantruming 2 yr old when he became a pre-schooler?
Did you "grieve" for the preschooler when he started school?

etc etc etc

He is still your ds. He is still with you. He is just moving into the next stage.

Original poster
Mumoffootieboys · 12/09/2021 18:43

We’ve tried just booking things that we thought he would like but he just kicks off and refuses to come so we end up wasting our money.
It’s also hard as he has a younger brother (10) and they are so different and have totally different interests and they really don’t like each other so trying to do things as a family is really difficult.

I didn’t grieve for any of the other steps as I loved seeing him grow but he still wanted to be around us and do things. I feel like I’m losing him at the min

OP posts: