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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For feeling sad that my son’s growing up

53 replies

Mumoffootieboys · 12/09/2021 10:50

I posted this over in parenting but seem to get more traffic over here and I’m desperate for some advice…

My son is 13, just gone into y9 at school and I’m really struggling with how he’s changed.
He’s been getting moodier over the past year or so, doesn’t want any affection from me and barely even speaks to me. He doesn’t want to do anything much as a family any more, only really wants to do things with his dad and his dads friends. I’ve also recently found some things on his phone where he’s been messaging girls on social media being flirty etc. All of which I’m sure is normal behaviour for his age but I hate it!
I know I’m probably being really dramatic but I feel like I’m grieving for the boy he once was. I keep crying when I look at old pics and think about things we used to do.
Please tell me anyone else has felt like this?

OP posts:

trumpisagit · 12/09/2021 19:33

It is hard but I am sure there are things your son wants to do that you can join/take him.

My 14 year old likes going to London sightseeing (we only go once a year) , the gym (he will go with a friend, but sometimes me instead), he likes smoothies, and will make one with me in the kitchen or go out for one. He also loves the cat, so happy to chat about her.

My 12 year old will cook or swim with me.

What about watching interesting TV together, Friday Night Dinner on 4? Clarkson's Farm on Prime? Travels with my Father on Netflix?

Do you limit screen time? I make sure they turn it off for the middle part of the day (weekends and hols) so we have time and space to do things.

Nikki360 · 12/09/2021 19:37

Don't worry they come back ! I have three daughters 26, 22 and 11. I think the hardest years are between 12-16 they just rely on their friends more and just want to be with their friends. They still need you more than ever really, so hang in there! Pick your battles be strict on the things that really matter but let the smaller things go. I learned that the hard way. Xx

Hamnet · 12/09/2021 19:39

I felt this so acutely I’m now pregnant despite my oldest being 15 and me being 43… The teen years are hard as you feel the end of family life coming to a close, kids losing interest in family time and generally not wanting to be with their parents. I’m not ready for an empty nest, it feels horrible to think of that part of my life being over.

Marni83 · 12/09/2021 19:43

Does he literally only play computer games?
No hobbies or sports?

If he plays, you could spectate?

malificent7 · 12/09/2021 20:04

Yanbu..dd is 13 and I am sooooo last season! However we have little snippets of togetherness...i had lunch with her yesterday...a rare occurance! It is mafe somewhat easier by the mood swings making me crave peace.

MancMum2000 · 12/09/2021 20:26

@Kite22

He sounds very normal to me.

Did you "grieve" for the newborn when he started cruising and pointing and attempting words ?
Did you "grieve" for the baby when he started toddling?
Did you "grieve" for the tantruming 2 yr old when he became a pre-schooler?
Did you "grieve" for the preschooler when he started school?

etc etc etc

He is still your ds. He is still with you. He is just moving into the next stage.

This is such an unhelpful post. It’s completely fine and normal to feel a pang of grief or nostalgia when they move onto the next phase of life. It’s your child actively moving away from you, that’s hard for some parents, it is for me certainly. It is possible to feel excited and proud of them growing up but feel nostalgic for the younger years and feel sad saying goodbye to that.

grafittiartist · 12/09/2021 20:29

I think that you do get them back again! These years are strange- but kids do emerge, a bit chattier and more sociable.
All normal!!

Original poster

Mumoffootieboys · 12/09/2021 20:32

He plays computer games and football at school and that is literally about it! He likes going to watch his dad play football too and sometimes wants to go swimming but that’s very rare. He’s trying out for the school football team this week so if he gets in I’ll of course go and watch as long as it’s not during work time but I work early shifts so unless it’s in the middle of the day I’ll be able to go.
We have decided to go to Wales for the day/night next weekend and he’s actually agreed to go to the swim centre there so that’s good.
Other than that he wants to be left alone mostly.
He did agree to go get a costa with me last week but drew the line at sitting in, at least we went out in the car just the 2 of us.
I appreciate everyone saying find something he likes and do it with him but it’s not so easy when he mostly refuses to do things with me, he actually said the other week that he really dislikes me and just doesn’t want to be around me :(

I just keep trying and making sure I also respect that he wants space.

OP posts:

bridgetreilly · 12/09/2021 20:35

Remember that the whole point of parenting is to raise adults, not keep them as children. He’s changing now and he will keep changing. Help him to grow into the sort of man you will be proud of. Hold onto your great memories of him as a kid, but don’t be resentful of him growing up.

Islamorada · 12/09/2021 20:38

Teenagers need their space at this age. We should give it to them but keep an eye as they are still very young. It is hard for them too, the peer pressure, wanting to be independent but if apply a bit of indifference is better. The closer you want to be the most they want to escape.

MissyB1 · 12/09/2021 20:46

He said he really dislikes you??! That’s rude and I wouldn’t tolerate that. What reason did he give? To be honest this sounds a little more than the normal teen moodiness.

MereDintofPandiculation · 12/09/2021 20:50

It’s the age when he needs to start finding his place in the world and be independent of you. So he’s going to overdo it and reject everything that he thinks you value. On the plus side, it’s wonderful to see them develop their own views on the world. If you can, avoid being too preachy and listen-to his views without being compelled to tell him why he’s wrong. Then once he’s in his 20s and confident in himself, your relationship will blossom.

Dillydollydingdong · 12/09/2021 20:51

I'm dreading my dgs getting to teenage years. He was so adorable as a little boy, now he's 8 and obsessed with computer games. Still adorable but I don't want him to grow up (sigh).

Kite22 · 12/09/2021 20:58

This is such an unhelpful post.

It wasn't intended to be at all.
It was intended to remind OP of what you said below -

It’s completely fine and normal to feel a pang of grief or nostalgia when they move onto the next phase of life.

The fact that your dc change, as they grow and you enjoyed the previous stage, doesn't mean that you can't enjoy the next stage.

I think this stage is a bit like the caterpillar going into the pupa / chrysalis stage.... they (as a generalisation) withdraw for a bit. Their hormones are all over the place, they don't know how long their arms are, they don't know what pitch their voice is going to be, and being "cool" (I realise that won't be the trending word at the moment) is seen to be really important. They tend to withdraw to their rooms, they tend to be angry very quickly, they can be irrational and at times a bit hard to like but they need you more than ever to be there for them, to give them boundaries and to remind them that they are loved.
Oh, and they do emerge the other side.
They 100% still need you, but just in a different way from when they were younger. As adults, we have to adjust our parenting to their stages.

PufferFishGoneWrong · 12/09/2021 21:01

The hormones, so not fun. At least mine doesn't avoid the shower

Akrotiri1 · 12/09/2021 21:10

My son's teenage years were horrendous - he threw everything at me that he could, including drugs, trouble with police, trouble at school etc etc.

He went from my best buddy at 12 old, to the child from hell within mnths. However his father and I also split up at that time so appreciate he had a very tough time as we had to move house, and he had to change schools.

However, he started to come back to me at around 17yrs, and now at 19yrs he is awesome - goes to college, has a p/t job, passed his driving test first time and in steady relationship.

So my point is just enjoy the ride and hope that you come out the other end ok!

Antinerak · 12/09/2021 21:10

It's normal to miss the old them but this is a fun time too. They're old enough to have proper conversations with, their personality and interests are evolving and in a few years you'll have someone who is a fully formed decent human being who will love spending time with you and appreciate you.

He still needs you just as much as he did when he was a cute cuddly little one. He only wants to be left alone because for the past 13 years he's been with you as much as possible. Let him have his freedom and he'll come to you.

Notashandyta · 12/09/2021 21:16

This is so sad!

Mine is 7 and, after not enjoying the early years that much, I'm loving this age!

Sorry you're feeling this way

Moonface123 · 12/09/2021 21:17

It's natural he's wanting to become more independent. I am a lone parent with two sons. They both had different interests at that age, one loved football and gaming, the other reptiles and cycling, that was our common ground. I also think it's healthy for them to see you happily involved in your own interests. I love gardening and my sons will often help repair a fence or help with some of the lifting work, it's a two way street. Give and take. P!us l like to keep fit and they are quite competetive, we have gym equipment , a treadmill , rowing machine etc, and we often compete, it's just finding things that you all enjoy. It's really important to allow them space, to let them just be, they don't want to feel suffocated. Be grateful they are developing normally.

LouLou789 · 12/09/2021 21:25

Honestly, totally natural. Yes, do the things with him he wants (boring PlayStation) and a two player card game is often acceptable to a boy. Other than that, many of them tend to chat more if they don’t have to actually look at you (so, in the car or doing a joint task) Give lots of encouraging compliments but be guided by him re hugs/kisses.

It’s so hard to see them pull away, I know. One book I can really recommend is this

For feeling sad that my son’s growing up

Marni83 · 12/09/2021 21:47

@Mumoffootieboys

He plays computer games and football at school and that is literally about it! He likes going to watch his dad play football too and sometimes wants to go swimming but that’s very rare. He’s trying out for the school football team this week so if he gets in I’ll of course go and watch as long as it’s not during work time but I work early shifts so unless it’s in the middle of the day I’ll be able to go. We have decided to go to Wales for the day/night next weekend and he’s actually agreed to go to the swim centre there so that’s good. Other than that he wants to be left alone mostly. He did agree to go get a costa with me last week but drew the line at sitting in, at least we went out in the car just the 2 of us. I appreciate everyone saying find something he likes and do it with him but it’s not so easy when he mostly refuses to do things with me, he actually said the other week that he really dislikes me and just doesn’t want to be around me :(

I just keep trying and making sure I also respect that he wants space.

The Costa suggestion is good and worth repeating

Nothing like promise of a sweet treat!

And when winter hits…. Eating in may become more appealing

Good luck!

Marni83 · 12/09/2021 21:49

@MissyB1

He said he really dislikes you??! That’s rude and I wouldn’t tolerate that. What reason did he give? To be honest this sounds a little more than the normal teen moodiness.

I missed this

Op- that is downright rude. Needs to be nipped in bud.

pinkstripeycat · 12/09/2021 21:51

My 14 year old is clingy and comes everywhere with me and my 15 year old acts as tho he’s the parent and I’m the child. I’m sad they’re growing up so quickly

GoWalkabout · 12/09/2021 22:02

They aren't necessarily conscious of it but biology makes mum repulsive to teenage boys for very good reasons as they get used to being men! He'll always be your boy and I find they come and go like elastic bands, not gone from you altogether. Try to work out why you, the adult, are so reluctant to let go - maybe fears for your future, your relationship with your partner, or loneliness? Address those worries.

AlexaShutUp · 12/09/2021 22:02

It can be hard to watch them growing up. We went to a wedding this weekend and I was utterly to suddenly realise that my 16yo dd was being chatted up by one of the other guests.

But growing up is a natural process and we have to accept it. If they are happy and confident and comfortable with who they are, then we should be grateful for that. It's what we have been striving to achieve as parents all these years, isn't it? Would you feel better if he was anxious and clingy and had no friends to hang out with? Of course you wouldn't!

I agree that it's worth trying to find a common interest or at least faking one in order to keep the communication flowing. Time together and shared experiences are important. I feel very fortunate that dd and I can still hang out and really enjoy each other's company, even if she increasingly has a life that is independent and separate from mine.

Things will change even more in the near future, and she'll be going off to uni before I know it, but hard as that's going to be, it's what I want for her. And at the end of the day, I'll always be her mum and that's a really special relationship that can never break, even though it will continue to evolve throughout our lives.

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